The upside-down way of wholeness in Jesus (97/100)

The overwhelming testimony of the saints of the Christian faith is that the more they grew in sanctity the more they realized how little they knew God, how sinful they still were, and how far away the ultimate point of their journey was still. . . . The final witness is not our spiritual progress and sanctity, but the grace of God freely given and carrying us in the journey to wholeness. -- Ringma, Seek the Silences

This is one of the upside-down aspects of the Christian life. As long as I have it all together, living in strength, moving, progressing -- I have no need of grace and therefore little need for God. This contrast is just like that of Simon the Pharisee and the prostitute in Luke 7:36-50.

Clinging to Jesus for my very survival in ultimate desperation comes as I realize how little I know You, God; realize how sinful I still am; how far away I am from where I ought to be in this spiritual life.

Now this may all be a strange thing to read from one who is trying to help others pursue resilience in life and ministry. What we are seeking for ourselves and those we serve is integral wholeness which we understand as "being comprehensively whole in Christ; not perfect, but perfectly broken in Jesus for His use; displaying resilience in all areas of life thereby achieving continual relevance." 

It is that very sense of desperate dependence when present that drives one, drives me, to the place of grace that Ringma speaks of and in this place my life finds its meaning and purpose.

My bias toward the Church (96/100)

Today's time has been about resting into the completion of this assignment for school, and in it, the conclusion of processing this piece of my bias toward the Church in providing care for cross-cultural workers.

In reality my bias in all things is that God placed the Church here as His vehicle for conveying by word, deed, and example, His love and redemptive work in and to this broken and hurting world. O, that we would find a way to live this!

Through Him we both have our access in one Spirit to the Father. So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints, and are of God's household, having been built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus Himself being the corner stone, in whom the whole building, being fitted together, is growing into a holy temple in the Lord, in whom you also are being built together into a dwelling of God in the Spirit. -- Ephesian 2:18-22 (NASB)

A dwelling of God . . . wow! The God of the universe who made all that is, desires to dwell in us?! How could such a reality not change this world?!

Lord, keep me as Your unhindered-vessel near breaking, but held together by Your in dwelling presence, displaying Your glory. Keep us as Your people in this same way held together by the Super Glue of Your Spirit, aware of our frailty, but also of Your greatness.

Reference: A vessel He can use and day 63/100 of this blog (8/27/10)

The Spirit work in the soil (95/100)

Until today, I have always interpreted the parable of the Sower and the Soils (Luke 8) in the context of salvation. Although this could be one way to see this passage, Jesus presents the Seed as the Word of God, not the Gospel. God's word includes more than the Good News of salvation. In fact, it includes the whole counsel and instruction of God.

When He speaks His word into my life (sows His Seed), am I soil that gladly receives it, holding it fast, allowing it to bear fruit in my life?

Lord, keep me as ready soil: honest and good in heart, understanding, hearing, really hearing.

Lord, make me responsive with: acceptance, holding fast to the word, allowing it to be planted deep, then  driving its roots even deeper.

Lord, cause Your word to result in: bearing of fruit; much fruit; fruit that lasts, remains, perseveres, is steadfast, and enduring.

This class on policy serves as an example of this work.
In the beginning I was hard and resistant to this having any use for our ministry.
I softened enough to consider that there might be something of use and began to let the thought grow, but my resistance was still present. I could not see any lasting use.
The work of Your Spirit continued and eventually I was able to move into the work and in this the benefits of the investment began to grow as I had to develop my theology of policy particularly related to this ministry. But then the struggles and hardship of trying to get through the analysis, to teach myself how to do this, and to stay engaged despite the many distractions of work and ministry. Eventually this all choked out my motivation and interest.
Again, the Spirit tilled the soil of my heart. This time I was ready and the possibilities drove deep. The result is that I see now the benefit of this class for our ministry. I have a clearer understanding with a greater factual and Scriptural foundation for our work in advocating for the role of the Church in caring for the cross-cultural worker. I see clearly that our greatest role is not in directly caring for the worker ourselves, although we need to model this, our role is still that of calling out the Body into this work of caring for their own as they reach into the corners of this world with Your love. Loving care given with loving service extending in strength the loving reach of the Gospel of Grace.

Lord, cause me to soften sooner that I might be ready soil for all You desire to do in and through me.

Wake up to see and hear (94/100)

He who has ears to hear, let him hear. -- Luke 8:8 (NASB)

Lord, cause me to be aware -- to see and hear You even this day -- cause me to be aware and responsive.

Unexpected work load --> unexpected grace to complete all that was needed
Difficult and confusing assignments --> mercy in grading and grace in extension
Limits of time and strength --> povision of information, unexpected, with clarity of mind to understand
Impatience to move --> the mercy of limits to slow me down
Longing for deepening of relationship --> rest and peace in the journey

The hour has come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. -- Romans 13:11 (NIV)



"Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you." Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity. -- Ephesians 5:14-15 (NIV)

A day of gratitude (93/100)

Grateful for
good friends with whom I can be myself -- real, vulnerable, accepted.
family who love me and remind me that the hard stuff of life can transform us into God's image with time.
opportunities for ministry that allow me to speak into other's lives with meaning and purpose.
the privilege of watching God grant a vision and then step by step bring it into reality.
partners in the ministry to help carry the load, clarify the vision, and shine the flashlight so I can see the next footfall.
the gift of people who share with generosity their gifts thereby empowering us to live the vision.
the journey of discovery and growing intimacy with God that is just beginning.

Contrasting states? (92/100)

Although I've never considered myself an activist in style or in faith tradition, I think this has become part of who I am. At least the trappings of an activist are certainly evident. I have had a tendency to celebrate doing while allowing intimacy to become more of a longing and a dream as mentioned by Ringma.

I have been learning however that to prioritize intimacy instead can cause my activity to have greater meaning and purpose. Being in Your presence enables and empowers all I do yet with a sense of rest.

Doing and rest -- these don't fit together well in my mind, but I sure like the way I am seeing them fit into the expression of my life.

The blessing of affirmation (91/100)

Affirm: establish or strengthen as with new evidence or facts; confirm

This has been a week of repeated affirmation of God's presence and work in this journey and this ministry.

In a world that is broken and marred by sin with all the implications of this, we can live in the joy of God's grace and the power of His Spirit. -- Ringma, Seek the Silences

The easy and hard things (90/100)

Sometimes the seemingly easiest things take SO much time and money.
Today's example has been that of completing the application process for incorporation: in addition to the three forms already sent (and $195), today saw another three forms for posting the needed "ads" for publication (and $230). Unbelievable!

The blessing in this has been that thanks to the voluntary time of my professor from my financial class, I was able to complete all of this myself without additional legal or accounting fees. Now onto the 501(c)3 application, woohoo!

On the other hand some things that appear hard, just are.
Today's example has been the papers for my current class.

Grateful for the Lord's provision in allowing me to do this work on the need for holistic member care. Because of this work, I continue to find resources and organizations that will help us live into this ministry. Thank You, Jesus, for helping me to hold these assignments although I would rather just drop them in frustration and fatigue.

Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives, do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful. -- John 14:27 (NASB)

Moving in rhythm (89/100)

There is something deadenly ordinary about life. Caught in the cycle of birth and ageing, night and day, and work and play, we can live with monotonous regularity and without transcendent meaning. -- Ringma, Seek the Silences

Ordinary, sounds a bit appealing. Regularity, not really part of my world. I have no rhythms in my life. Well, that's not quite true. I do have a few: sleep, wake, eating. I long for a rhythm to my life. What would it be like to have the rhythms that Ringma speaks of?

Merton suggests to us that the person 'who loves God is playing on the doorstep of eternity.' . . . In the enlightening and transformative power of the Word, . . . God playfully enters our normal reality as the God of surprises. There is nothing frivolous about all of this. But it is playful. For God paints a different picture, creates a different melody, and dances a different rhythm from the ones with which we are familiar. -- Ringma, Seek the Silences

Could it be that my inability to see a rhythm in my life is because, though I can't hear it, I am moving to His rhythm? Could it be that my days are not as random and haphazard as they appear, but in fact, they fit well into this other melody? Could it be that as I am staying close to Jesus, I am moving to this other world's rhythm though I can't hear it? Because I am resting into Him and moving with Him, He who hears clearly this other beat is guiding me in concert with it? There is great comfort and contentment in this.

Signs of learning (88/100)

Longing for space to be with Jesus -- a growing desire for time with Him to hear, to read, to delve deeper into Scripture, to pause, to be.

If I have learned nothing else from this journey, I have learned that anything important to me and for me to engage requires intentionality. Without planning, evidenced by designating time committed to that which I long for, it will NOT happen.

But the another thing I have learned is that I don't have to have everything settled and done in the rest of my life before I engage that which is most important.

And, I have learned that despite fatigue and distractions, You are gracious and bless my movement toward You and what You desire for me. Everything about these days screams that there is no way anything could be accomplished under such circumstances, and yet, . . .

Thank You Jesus for Your continuing grace and Your empowering and transforming work in and through me. You are amazing!

The transition (87/100)

Today, completing the application for Partners in Resilience to become an official organization.

The end of the NNNP (No-Name Non-Profit) and moving fully into this next phase of the process caused me to pause. This brought to mind the last big transition I travelled and prompted me to review my posts from July of 2007.

So, much has transpired since that time.

Choosing to let go and to move fully into all You have created me to be, just to this point, has been an amazing journey. Now, we move on from here and in the moving challenging others in their own journeys. Wow!

My vision and dreams are big, but I know that they are no where close to all You have planned for us. Thank You for the privilege of being here, moving in step with You. Lead in this dance as You desire. Hold me close, in concert with Your movements. Learning along the journey. Growing in tune with You.

The real trust is in the details (86/100)

As we move further in this work, the details emerge to finer and finer levels. Sometimes this is exhilarating, particularly, as we develop aspects of the services (programming) we envision providing. The details of the finances on the other hand touch places that trigger fear and challenge my ability to trust and rest.

I long to live fully into all You have given us vision for but really, how?

Even if we are only talking about the start up money, where will this come from?

Can I trust You to give vision, to place this desire in me, and then to provide the means of accomplishing it? The enormity of the task and the needed funding is overwhelming.

But, I don't need to know where the funding for all of this is going to come from. All I need to do is what you are asking me to do today to be ready. Then, I am to trust that when we have the need for applications, and legal fees, and accountants, and trips, and materials, and . . . Then, I need to ask You for what we need, specifically, and look for Your provision. Dollar by dollar, fee by fee, ticket by ticket.

Lord, help me. Cause me to trust the saying I have heard, "The Lord will not guide where He doesn't also provide." Trusting that in all of this that I cannot see, You remain present, active, and good.

Clarity of calling (85/100)

Attending a prayer retreat for a Board on which I serve in the area, I was surprised by a word spoken to my heart during one of the prayer times. "This is to be your life's work."

Whoa! What does that mean?

William Wilberforce -- his life's work was working relentlessly within the political system of England until the slave trade was abolished. His life has long inspired me to live a life of meaning and influence guided by a discerning walk with God.

Hudson Taylor -- his life's work was bringing the gospel of Christ to China, allowing nothing to hinder that witness. His life has inspired me to be aware of the diversity and value of culture that can be embraced to open doors for the gospel witness.

Sir William Osler -- his life's work as a great clinical teacher was to reconcile the emerging new medical science with the old humanities. The lessons from his life are an inspiration to me in many ways.

I certainly can't imagine investing my remaining days, whether few or many, in anything but this work of promoting, enhancing, and facilitating the care of those working cross-culturally, specifically helping those in places isolated from a strong Christian witness.

Does that make it my life's work? I guess it does. Lord, make this work effective, influencing, and fruitful for Your Kingdom.

The practice of holding and releasing (84/100)

There are many things I am asked to hold today, but I am not asked to hold them all at the same time.

O, Lord Jesus, place and remove each of these in my hand as we go through this day. When I am holding one, I trust You are holding the others. As I do hold one, cause me to rest into Your strength -- Your hand supporting mine. Resting in the progression of the day, holding and releasing, guided by Your providence and Your presence.

Beginning to live what I have learned (83/100)

Planning for our Fall retreat now for the third year is a last minute thing. (Clearly our need for good administrative help is again showing itself.) The press to find a suitable place was on me yesterday, but taking notice of the lessons learned during these days, I stopped, asked Jesus to handle this, and asked Him to hold it all until I could spend time on it today.

Today, I received a phone call. The person on the other end asked, "We are wondering if you have a place for your Fall retreat?" I'm glad I was sitting down because I might have fallen over. Then later I received an email from another place about the availability of their new retreat cabins. Wow! Now granted, these are not everything we could hope for one day, but either is certainly adequate for our current needs. It was one of those times recently when I have sensed God's presence in this work.

Within this next week there are three significant opportunities for steps forward in this ministry. The reminder today that we are not alone in our own strength has been huge for me. To sense my need to rest is one thing, but to see how He handles things when I do  . . .

I don't know why I am surprised when I see Him do things, but it does keep me grateful. He knows this is what I needed today, and he provided.

We are walking together into His plans for us.
Keep our eyes fixed on You, Lord, along the way.
Keep us aware of Your provision and Your delight in providing all of our needs.

The same issue, different trigger (82/100)

Just never satisfied, I guess.

Waiting and watching and allowing God's timing to guide in this process has at times prompted the root of impatience and lack of trust to reveal itself.

Today after hearing that opportunities for sharing about this ministry and my heart for serving those going cross-culturally are not just possible but actually scheduled, I'm panicking that things are going too fast.

Though I don't see how the ministry will be ready to present or I will be ready to effectively share, it is the same words as before that I keep hearing whispered in my ear, "Trust Me. Rest into Me, and just trust Me."

My below-the-waterline issue is control. It reveals itself in impatience, fear, and anxiety, but the root is the same. Will I release control to You? Will I hold to the fact that You are present, active, and good, and therefore can be trusted no matter the situation or circumstance.

Holding this ministry in my hand, an open hand, in a place of peace, allowing You full access to shape it and its expression in Your timing. O, Jesus, give me Your abiding grace sufficient to live this.

The requirements of asking (81/100)

Asking necessitates an awareness of personal inadequacy and a mindset of humble receptivity.

In order to choose to ask, I first must recognize that I am in need -- I am human and therefore limited in certain skills and powers, and I am willing to admit it to another. Accurately assessing my skills, gifts, abilities, and resources is also needed. Then there is the matter of knowing of whom to ask. This requires an awareness of others gifts, skills, abilities, and resources. I am placed in community and together we are to express the creative work of God in our lives through our integrated expression of all He has given us.

Therefore, when I reach the end of myself and allow others to make up for where I am lacking, we move toward the oneness for which Jesus prayed in John 17:22-23.

Asking necessitates a mindset of humble receptivity knowing that God will answer but the one being asked may not. I must come without expectation, holding my request, and my desire in which it is rooted, loosely. My vision is myopic all too often. Even when I am most clear as to my own path, there is still only one foot-fall of it that I can see and this still dimly. How can I expect to see what is best for another?

Again, a journey of trust, and asking when done in trust, can't help but be done in humility.

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. -- Mt. 7: 7

The experience of holding (80/100)

Close your eyes. Feel your breathing. Settle into this place.

Hold out your hand, palm up, fingers out-stretched.

Picture that issue that you are currently holding, and place it in the palm of your hand .

Is it heavy? Is it light? Does it have texture? How does it feel?

As you hold it there, what naturally happens? Do you find your fingers closing around it, holding it tighter and tighter in your grip? Does your hand seem to fall under the weight of it letting it fall to the ground? Do you let it fall by intention or by accident?

Relax. Again return to feeling the movement of your breathing. Settle back into this place.

Hold out your hand, palm up, fingers out-stretched.

Picture God gently placing in the palm of your hand that which He wants you to hold.

Does the same issue feel differently? Is this a different issue?

Listen to His voice as He speaks to you as to how you should hold this thing He has placed there.

What is He saying to you in this holding? Where is He in this setting?

What desires are stirred in you?

What is He revealing to you about His desires? His presence? His love?

Be with Him in this place. Stay here until you sense He is moving and you with Him.

Congruence in life and desire? (79/100)

congruence -- the quality or state of being, coinciding, or being congruent (in agreement or harmony)

My recent illness has caused me to pause and acknowledge the need for my own pursuit of wellness. Now it's not like I haven't been aware of this, particularly, during this journey where my margins have become almost nonexistent. However, seasons of increasing demands are part of life and ministry, but they are only to be seasons and not a habit of life. The ongoing neglect of the gifts God has given in health, relationships, time, and activities is what is becoming evident. 

If I conclude these days of intentionality and fail to learn that space to work on this ministry and to live into all that God has made me to be, then I have missed one of the primary reasons for God's call into this journey. Only when I reach a state of congruence with what I am attempting to help others establish will I be effective.

With just over 20 days left, my need to consider the transition is important. What am I taking away from this experience (not just for the ministry but for me and my life with Jesus)? In the same way I prepared for this journey by designating the two-hours of time each day, how will I approach the days ahead? Is there space that has resulted from this experience that is meant for me to model a life of holistic wellness? Will this journey have fruit that is lasting?

Jesus, I don't have answers for these things. Guide me into them as You have guided me in these days. Remaining in Your embrace, cause me to continue to rest into Your movements step by step.

Growing in communicating (78/100)

My bent is ideas and visioning. This is good for motivating and encouraging others. It is good for viewing the multiple interconnections that exist in a circumstance and pointing out those not previously noticed. It tends to be good for large group leading, but . . .

This bent becomes a detriment if I need to talk in concrete terms and details. I tend toward generalities and have ideas in my head that I can't effectively convey to others, particularly others who operate from a concrete, results oriented frame.

Starting a ministry requires me to learn how to communicate in new ways. All the ideas in the world will never change the world. It is the details of implementation that result in impact. Ideas and vision can motivate and maintain enthusiasm but only if the path I lay before people to follow is clear.

When learning a foreign language for me immersion is the key to success. Likewise, I suspect that being immersed in thinking in more concrete ways could help me communicate better. I will never, however, do it as well as someone who is made in this way, and therefore, I need the help of others to translate for me so that the nuances of what I am attempting to convey are not lost. Again, my need for community is essential.

However I was reminded today of another way to enhance communication; namely, that of bringing others along with me into my thought process. I too often leave out steps and expect others to make the jump from one point to another as I share an idea. I can't keep up when someone who does this to me; yet, I get careless and fail to leave a good trail of bread crumbs as well.

I am grateful for friends who are patient with me and love me despite my lack of sensitivity and skill in these areas. Lord, keep me aware of my influence on others, my need to learn and adapt, and my inability to have Kingdom influence on my own apart from community.

Gifts given though not sought (77/100)

Tonight coming home later than anticipated, I had the privilege of seeing a beautiful picture of dark blue and black clouds outlined in fiery red. It was one of those beautiful pictures painted by God. When I see something so unexpected I have two reactions.

First, I am grateful for the chance to see it. The various aspects of my day that led to me coming home late in this way and down the road I was traveling were suddenly viewed from a different perspective. Because of all of them, though at the time irritating and a bit aggravating, I got to see this cool piece of artwork painted across the western sky.

Second, I notice the people driving down and walking along this same road. So many who are travelling my same path yet who are looking in the wrong direction preventing them from seeing what I see. Others moving along but seeming to not notice, or disregarding, what has struck me with awe.

How often even this week though in this journey of intention have I been just like these people. I'm reminded of my need to be aware, looking for God's masterpieces in the common places of my journey. How much am I missing that God is painting in plain view, right overhead, yet missed by me? I'm convicted of my sin of ingratitude that keeps me from pausing to soak in the glory and appreciate the beauty. O, God, forgive me.

Open my eyes to the wonder of You, to the beauty of Your creative works, to the lavishness of Your love poured out on those like me who fail to notice.

The gift of community (76/100)

Grateful today for the opportunity to be part of a community doing this ministry and doing life.

. . . it is only by a gracious anticipation of the last things that Christians are privileged to live in visible fellowship with other Christians. It is by the grace of God that a congregation is permitted to gather visible in this world to share God's Word and sacrament. Not all Christians receive this blessing. -- Bonhoeffer, Life Together.

Alone my perspective seems broad and wise, but within community can I truly understand. Particularly in the area of discernment, the value of being with one another and seeking the mind of Jesus in a matter yields a confidence in hearing and therefore in living not otherwise known.

Additionally, alone my tendency is to wander off of God's path for me and for the ministry. Within the context of a loving community where there is safety, I can be vulnerable enough to be honest and receptive enough to be corrected that transformation can result.

Finally, knowing that I have this kind of community available to me gives me confidence to enter the world speaking truth and living a life conveying love. My acceptance and sense of belonging does not come from the world making me free to live and move as me. And this is good, yielding a confidence in my God working in and through me otherwise not known.

Thank you Jesus for this gift. Cause me to never take it for granted, and to always extend this gift to others as the opportunity is presented.

An open door (75/100)

I see what you've done. Now see what I've done. I've opened a door before you that no one can slam shut. You don't have much strength, I know that; you used what you had to keep my Word. You didn't deny me when times were rough. Revelation 3:8 (The Message)

Each day this week is about openly owning the vision and longings You have placed in me.

Today with little skill of communication and greater ineptitude than I realized I had there was another conversation of sharing about this developing ministry. Despite all of my lack, the invitation and even challenge for moving forward was extended. Challenged to create greater clarity of services and processes. Invitation to continue doing the background research but going beyond literature reviews and engaging individuals and organizations in conversations of inquiry.

Where before those I looked to responded with resistance, opposition, and even discouragement, now these individuals are showing me a door that is being swung wide for continuing pursuit.

Thank You, Jesus, for the way that You have prepared. Hearing Your voice, sensing Your touch, leaning into You as You guide me in Your way unto Your purposes.

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." Isaiah 30:21 NIV

Evidence of impact, influence, and change (74/100)

When it seems that the work I am doing is having little impact, God graciously gives me the opportunity to see things from His perspective.

Meeting with the mentors from SCORE was very encouraging. They advised me that much of what is needed to complete a business plan is already included in our strategic plan. It just needs to be re-ordered or appropriately expanded. Their advice was specific and confirmed our process for seeking counsel from those who have gone before us. They even offered the possibility for individual help if we can't arrange for making the training classes they offer.

Work today was over the top in volume to be accomplished. Yet, in the midst of the day, the gratitude of several of my patients, despite my tardiness in getting to them, displayed the influence I have had in their lives.

Finally, the influence of transformation was evident in me when time after time the schedule was too much, the tasks were too many, the computer equipment continued to fail, and yet, I remained calm taking things one after another. Keeping an attitude of presence -- both being present with all of my patients, even those who displayed their frustration, and the sense of Your presence as I moved through the day.

Thank You, Jesus, for peace and provision.

Learning to ask, learning to trust (73/100)

Whether we like it or not, asking is the rule of the Kingdom. -- C. H. Spurgeon

Do you know why the mighty God of the universe chooses to answer prayer? It is because his children ask. God delights in our asking. He is pleased in our asking. His heart is warmed by our asking. -- R. Foster

I happen to be reading in Foster's book on prayer the section on petitionary prayer today as I prepare to meet with the mentors from SCORE tomorrow. Asking seems easier to do with God than other people. With God, He knows I am helpless and lacking. Other people? Well?

I like to look competent and asking reveals my incompetence and need. Sounds like the issue is pride, huh? I guess it is. Perhaps this is part of why asking is a rule of the Kingdom as Spurgeon states. It requires me to approach God in humility and need, but this rule doesn't just apply to my relationship with God. My need to display humility with others is even greater because it shows how well I understand my need for God. If I am to be a servant of God and others then I must be humble enough to ask for help. And this asking is of those who are Christ-followers and those who are not. For I am to be servant to all and therefore humble before all.

But there is more to asking others than just an issue of pride. I don't want to bother others, make them feel obligated to help, or guilty for not helping. If I cannot ask of others expecting God to answer through them, am I really trusting God? Again back to the issue of trust. I need to also trust God and others to determine when they help and when they don't, for whatever reason. I also need to give others a chance to live into all God has made them to be by allowing them the chance to live out their calling by helping me. And finally, as I've posted before, I need to not cheat them of an opportunity for them to join God in the work He is doing in and through me by failing to ask.

So, in humility, and trust, I ask you, if you are reading this post on 9/7, to pray as I ask for help. Pray that God will provide guidance and discernment and help as He sees is best in this ministry that He is creating..

Ordinary life (72/100)

The ordinary -- the typical and unobtrusive aspects of life and ministry. In my current journey, this is reading books and articles seeking counsel for doing cross-cultural care and for organizational development, this is sending emails asking for help and corresponding with those providing it, this is praying, this writing, this is editing, this is . . .

. . . attempting in my small and unsophisticated way to do what the great artisans in the Middle Ages did when they carved the backside of a piece of art, knowing that God alone would see it. (Foster (1992), Prayer, p. 172)

Every aspect of this work is meant to honor You. Cause me to not forget this. Cause me to not neglect, disregard, or look down on the value and rhythm of the ordinary in my life and ministry.

Learning to extend grace to me (71/100)

Continuing to struggle with my emotions. Unrealistic expectations for these times have surfaced today when my time is not my own and when I am physically not doing as well.

Trying to invest the time today eventually was possible when I began working on other less intense aspects. This feels like a lesson for the future. When this 100-day journey is through but I am still called to developing this ministry and living into Your calling on my life, I need to be gracious with myself. I need to recognize that everyday does not have to engage these things in the same way, and in fact, should not engage in the same way. There is, and will always be plenty to work on. As I am called to help others be to be gentle with themselves, so must I. There are rhythms of intensity in every work that must be lived in order to be most effective, most productive.

Lord, help me to set plans that are consistent with how You have made me -- realistic, real, grace-filled, resting into You.

Feelings of despondency, hints of Your hidden work (70/100)

At the end of myself, what do I really have to offer? How can God use me? Will I trust Him? Though I see no strength or sufficiency in myself, can I hold onto His sufficiency and strength?

When fatigue and my need for rest and longing for You dims the normal brightness of my world, will I hold onto what I know is true?

Will I hold onto You?

In the midst of a lack of control over my schedule and as I try to be fully present to my family on this trip, these are my thoughts today as I engage this journey of intentionality. I remember that in the past when I have felt like this, You were in the midst of leading me into deeper experiences of You or greater revelation of my calling. It was almost as if the enemy knew this and was trying to get me to turn back just before the break of dawn. Could this be the case now?

Lord, I choose You, to hold onto You as You accomplish all that is needed. Give me the grace needed for these days.

Not so much (69/100)

At times (really most of the time), just when I feel like I have an area of life down, something happens that reveals I may not have reached the level of growth anticipated. Has this happened to you?

Beginning to own my vision for cross-cultural worker care in a more public way, means laying everything out there for others to critique and even criticize. Choosing to engage this exercise first with those I trust today meant letting a friend I respect here what I have planned. His comments were both encouraging and a bit frustrating. Encouraging because he validated the need, my giftings, and the potential this has for influence. Frustrating because after so much time spent on choosing a name, he challenged whether this is the best fir for us and what we are doing. Specifically, he commented that it does not convey the level of professionalism that we possess or intend to apply to this issue of cross-cultural worker care. And I see where he is coming from and realizing that he may be right.

But the bigger point for me was the internal resistance to his comment. I thought I was holding this all loosely where God can take it and shape it as He wants. Not so much, huh?

My grip has tightened. My ownership has grown. Without me recognizing it, the work has been becoming mine; yet, it is not. This is Your work, Jesus. Every aspect of it, even the name. And through Your methods in the context of the community that is Your body You will accomplish all You desire for Your people.

And so, now after two years of waiting, am I willing to relax again into You with this issue of a name? To sit with this again in order to be sure that this is You I am hearing and not me pressing forward on my on?

Yes, in Your grace and power.

Rest.

Wait.

Listen.

Relax again into Your embrace.

Moving in the flow? (68/100)

Where yesterday I felt Your hand in the small of my back pressing me forward, today has felt like I'm running in Your flow. Moving from one role to the next with ease and rest. Spending time today preparing for the next week of interactions you have created for me to continue to move this ministry forward.

I sit here in awe of You. Just a few days ago I was wondering what I was going to fill these hours with each day, but content with the progress made in this journey of discovery and in developing this organization. Look at all of this You are making possible, and all I have to do is walk with You. Amazing!

Help me, Lord, to rely on You and trust You as well in this class I am taking. Give me the focus and insight to prepare this advocacy piece that You have called us to while I engage this material. I know this is Your heart for those going cross-culturally; otherwise, I wouldn't be in this ministry. However, I really don't understand this class and how all of this fits together. Jesus, provide clarity of thought, understanding, and expression.

I find it so easy to work on the planning and programming development. But You have shown me that where these things are at is sufficient. I have done all that I need to do until I meet with the various people over these next two weeks.

My resistance in this case feels different than a few days ago. This feels like avoidance, maybe, even rebellion.

I see myself acting like a spoiled brat of a child who is defiantly saying, "Enough! I'm ready for summer, and I don't care that there are still weeks of school left."

O, God, give me the grace needed to connect with Your heart beat in these assignments. Cause me to continue to grow in trust in this process as well, to trust that through and in this class (that has become so frustrating to me), You are present. You are active. You are good.