Holding on with indifference (36/100)

Today, still tired and ready to move on, but called to not compromise.

To hold this proposal work in an open hand ready for you to take it from me was easy to consider. Dropping it onto the ground in a crash was even something I was willing to do. But as this day began, I sensed you calling me to be indifferent in this circumstance. To engage Ignatian Indifference does not mean lack of caring but instead choosing to care more about what God cares about than what I do. In this particular case, therefore, this meant to grasp rather than release. To hold on until it is done, done well, done fully to the extent I am currently able. And to grasp this work fully in your presence was clearly your call to me for this day.

I wish I could say that I lived this day fully present to you. Although this was my longing, my impatience at times, particularly, when the Internet connection was misfiring and my computer was locking up was far from Godly. Shortcuts and easy roads in the process were appealing, particularly, as the clock was ticking down. Thank you for not letting me settle or convince myself that I was not compromising my integrity when I knew that to yield would be just that.

The work is now done and submitted. None of this was about the grade or the comments of my professor. This today was all about my walk with you. To pursue a work unto completion without compromise, to be present with you when I'm ready to quit or cheat, to be indifferent to all else but you no matter the cost.

With you in the stuff of life, here is where I want to be.

For the sake of my calling (35/100)

ready to be done....!!

working on this research proposal has been good during these initial days of my 100-day journey, but now I'm tired of doing this! I want to work on other stuff! I'm sounding like a 3-year-old.

Staying focused unto completion is hard. I could walk away. The grade is good enough, not that grades motivate me anymore. (Kinda like money.) They had their use at some point but lasting motivation has to come from some place deeper. What motivates me to finish this proposal with excellence? Maybe I'll need to present it to someone for that purpose? Maybe someone will fund it? The process continues to refine and clarify my thoughts regarding why and how we are to use previous research and the work done by others as we follow God's leading for us in this work.

My struggle these last two days with impatience has not occurred without me noticing. I'm a visionary. My first strength is Ideation. No surprise that completing projects is hard work.

Following God into living who He has made me to be means I am faced with times like these where I am not naturally equipped. Recognizing the goodness of Jesus: carrying me through, providing others to hold me in the midst, granting the giftings of those who are skilled in these areas where I by design am lacking, creating opportunities for rest and empowerment when I need to live outside of my giftings for the sake of my calling.

For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable. Romans 1:29

Therefore I will give thanks to You among the nations, O LORD,
And I will sing praises to Your name. Psalm 18:49

Thank you for stretching me into places I don't prefer unto purposes I don't understand but into arms that I have learned to trust.

Some days are hard (34/100)

Yesterday, was so good. Today was so hard.

To give myself to this work of ministry and the revelations of God in the midst of it for an entire day is so cool! I just want to be in this place all the time. But for now, this is not possible. The ache of this sometimes brings tears, as at this moment, and other times provides opportunities for frustration and impatience to take root.

I long to be at peace and rest in the waiting, and at times I live this and enjoy it to the full even in the context of other responsibilities. But there are days like today, when it is so hard. I miss you in these times where I become distracted from the present moment, from what you are doing right now in front of me, because I am mentally pressing ahead of you. O, God, forgive me! Turn my gaze back to you. Restore me to a place of indifference in all else but the pursuit of you.

He looks at the earth, and it trembles; He touches the mountains, and they smoke. Psalm 104:32

But when You look at me I am cleansed, I am renewed; when You touch me I am empowered, I am filled. It is for this reason that I have hope. It is why

I will sing to the LORD as long as I live; I will sing praise to my God while I have my being. Psalm 104:33

In step with God (33/100)

I had the privilege today of hearing the story of a friend who has gone before us in this experience of following God's prompting and seeing an idea become a functioning organization of service to the community. She sees her journey as a demonstration of the grace of God because although they didn't know what they were doing You led them step by step. She mentioned how through circumstances and people You kept her moving onward rather than immobilized in uncertainty. I see hers as a journey of transformation that has grown her into who she is today and influenced hundreds along the way.

It was affirming to hear her story knowing where you have brought us from and the way you have led us. In this current place of activity with rest, I can see You and I walking together into this ministry. Your gentle nudge, Your soft voice, each step firmly leaning into You but neither lagging behind nor pressing ahead. Grace in action.

Our lives get in step with God and all others by letting him set the pace. Romans 3:27 (The Message)

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly. Matthew 11:28 (The Message)

Unexpected anticipation (32/100)

Awoke with the song by Josh Wilson in my head in the context of my sister --> "Would you dare, would you dare to believe that you still have a reason to sing 'cause the pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming? C'mon, you gotta wait for the light. Press on, just fight the good fight, because the pain that you've been feeling, it's just the hurt before the healing. The pain that you've been feeling, is just the dark before the morning."
What does intercession look like? Could it be holding a truth for another when they can't?
 
Engaging the Exercises with the material from Brian Rice and finding this --> "Integration is when things hold together in wholeness, balance, and order, all seamlessly contributing toward the great purposes of God." Sounds like our desire with our organization.
 
Distracted as I tried to continue work on the research proposal, and eventually, turning to preparation for tomorrow's meeting where we are seeking the counsel of those who have taken an idea and witnessed it become a reality. Grateful for those who have gone before us in similar works being willing to help us along this journey.
 
Considering the name again. I'm beginning to think that trying on a name is like shopping for new clothes. You put it on and consider how it looks, how it feels. You ask the advice of those you trust. You consider your gut response to these and then either put it back on the rack or buy it. (I think we're about to make a purchase.)
 
After this diverse morning, I was heading out the door for work giddy with excitement with a smile on my face I couldn't control. Not for work (trust me on that one) but for the future, even beyond tomorrow. Not sure exactly why, but content in the moment to just experience the joy and excitement of anticipation in God's presence. This feeling continued during my shift returning with each pause and then fully present again as I left for home. I feel like a kid the week before Christmas who sees all of the presents wrapped and just waiting to be torn open and enjoyed. I don't know when the day will come to open any of them or why the anticipation has become so strong. But what I do know is that we are closer to living into the reality of this ministry than ever before.

Motivating remembrance (31/100)

As I am attempting to complete the research proposal (just 5 days left), one of the templates for the final product suggested "beginning with something interesting like a quote or story to capture the reader's interest." Although I've read allot of stories recently and through the years have heard various ones, nothing seemed right until this evening.

Tonight, I began as usual during my focused time each day. Prayer, and in particular, establishing an openness to God's work for this evening was my expressed desire. After an hour, fatigue was setting in and my mind was wandering. At the conclusion of a short break, I committed my need for focus and the ability to concentrate to Jesus. My thoughts shifted from my previous work to the introduction again. I remembered the contrasting stories I used during my first class in this program over a year ago.

These stories demonstrate the contrast in results when there is and there is not a community of integral care in place supporting the cross-cultural worker. In the first case, one who is apparently strong in the Faith but inadequately supported in the areas of spiritual, psychological, and relational care soon falters on the field to his shame and the shame of the ministry. In the second case, one who is wounded and living with hidden shame finds the support of a caring community that sets her free from her past and from fear as she grows unto spiritual and psychological strength discovering as she ministers on the field a resilience and power that otherwise would have been missed.

Remembering these stories today keeps me at the task. God's love for them and the people they are attempting to serve is the reason for our vision, our plans, our efforts. I ache for them to experience that love.

Restored (30/100)

In the time of worship this morning the name that has come together today for our organization was filling my mind. Could this be real? Could this be it? The implications of moving along the next steps of the path from an idea to reality, caught me by surprise.

He will wipe away your tears and return your wasted years. This is our God. (Chris Tomlin)

These words shook me back into the moment and out of my reflections. Is this not what God is doing with my life? Overwhelmed with emotion. The tears flowed. I could not stand. The words of C.S. Lewis in reference to his life came to mind: Surprised by joy.
 
O, Lord, I celebrate you. O, Jesus, I praise you. Bless the Lord, O, my soul and all that is within me bless his holy name. Bless the Lord, O, my soul and forget none of his benefits. . . Bless the Lord, all you works of his, in all the places of his dominion; bless the Lord, O, my soul! Psalm 103: 1-2, 22

A theme of goodness (29/100)

You're good Lord. You're wonderful to me.
You're good Lord, so wonderful to me.

Your mercy overwhelms me more amazing every day.
This kindness straight from heaven is relentless like the waves.

You're good Lord. You're wonderful to me.
You're good Lord, so wonderful to me.

Your mercy overtakes me even when my feet have strayed.
And though I don't deserve it, you surround me with your grace.

You're good Lord. You're wonderful to me.
You're good Lord, so wonderful to me.

Kathryn Scott: You're Good Lord

A continuing walk of trust (28/100)

This research proposal continues to take on a life of its own these days. Now that may be good since it is due to my professor in 8 days, but its growth is making me wonder if God means for me to actually do this project. It involves soliciting the help of 10 organizations (five with a formal member care department and five without) who will provide workers to interview on site in an extended fashion. As a learner in the world of the career cross-cultural worker, I will be asking for their help in a collaborative learning project to determine the key components for training, enhancement, development, and provision within each of the themes that comprise holistic care resulting in resilience on the field.

In addition to typical qualitative research analysis with results meant to inform our developing member care organization's programming and service activities, I can see a book resulting from the work.

It would be a summative presentation of the interviews with points of counsel from the experienced worker to the one in preparation for their first field assignment. Inclusive in this presentation would be pictures and a life and work overview for each of the interviewees. Like an "if I knew then what I know now" kind of book of counsel.

This sounds and feels so cool to consider. But I don't know how to get myself in a financial place to be free to do the work I already have to do in developing this ministry. Where in the world will I find the resources in time and money to do this kind of project?

I know. God has that part figured out.
All I need to do is to continue to step on the next stone in the path as it is revealed. This is a walk of faith and trust. Again, this is about many things but key in purpose is growing intimacy with Jesus along the journey.

Visioning consistent with the bigness of God (27/100)

Now to Him who is able to do exceeding abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us. -- Ephesians 3:20

When I feel overwhelmed by the vast possibilities of all God is doing, when I see potential beyond what others see, when fear and anxiety intrude on my heart as reality begins to form from theory, this verse, my life verse, comes to mind.

O, Lord, I do not want to press into places you do not want me to go, nor lag behind as you are leading. Thank you for calling me to walk with you. For in this journey by your side, I grow in understanding and responsiveness to your ways, and this is my heart's desire.

Taking the time to not presume (26/100)

Presumption: an assumption that is taken for granted; audacious (even arrogant) behavior that you have no right to; a kind of discourtesy in the form of an act of presuming

Reading some of the research out there (whole dissertations!) that presumes to know what a misionary needs angers me.

But how often do I presume I know what another peron is going through everyday as I see people and try to find ways in a limited amount of time to help them. Much of what I determine is based on presumption. Sure, I hope I am right, but at times, I am wrong. Because I do not have the privilege of time to learn more than limited information, I am forced to make the best decision I can, and I always state the qualifier that "if you're not getting better, let me know."

But when purported experts develop whole theories for providing care for missionaries without taking the time to ask the missionary what they need, this is wrong. This is reckless presumption.

O, God, keep me from doing this. Any plan we develop MUST be theory until validated by the individual to whom we are trying to minister. We will begin with generalities as a starting place, but the details of content and methods have to individualized. I can hear some ask, "But who can take that kind of time or have such resources to individualize member care like that?"

We can. We must. People's lives are at stake.

The lack of customization is what makes good medicines and good treatment plans deadly. All the more true when attempting to provide holistic care in hard places with eternal impact.

Developing plans and theories is good and necessary. But then taking the time to be present, to ask questions with sensitivity, to listen with discernment, and then in collaboration develop a plan for lasting resilience in the context of cross-cultural ministry is what we need to do. By God's grace, this is what we will do in his timing.

Reflecting brings confirmation (25/100)

One of the values of the discipline of spiritual direction is the opportunity it affords to pause and reflect on the work of God since the last session. For various reasons, the last time before today that I had the privilege of meeting with my director was almost two months ago. When reviewing my journal entries in the interim I noticed the following:

5/30 ~ Rob Tucker spoke on "Dangerous Opportunities" => As he spoke I wondered, are we willing to move toward pain, toward struggle, even choose these? My response to this is that it depends. If I know that the struggle will make me stronger, will transform me, then will I choose it? Is this not what Jesus has promised me? He will work all things to the good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. So, again, it is a matter of trust. Will I trust You enough to move toward, even choose and make room for pain and struggle? And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit. -- Romans 5:5 This is all about my love relationship with God. Am I willing to lean into the struggle rather than push it away?

(Later that day) . . . I heard you say even more clearly, "Trust Me. These days will be hard and you will not understand, but trust Me."

6/3 ~ Don't rush. Wait. Wait for Me. Wait for My timing. Trust Me.

6/4 ~ Reminded of the life of Jeremiah and Your call of him to embrace and move toward struggle and suffering.

6/7 ~ I know that I cannot do any of this work on my own -- but do I want to? My need, my dependency should also be a choice not only born out of desperation and powerlessness but also out of confidence, strength, and power that chooses helplessness, weakness, and dependency -- but why choose this? For the sake of relationship, for the sake of avoiding error, out of my recognition of my lack and inability to see clearly. Lord, help me to choose dependency when things are going well and not just when circumstances push me to in desperation cry out for your help.

6/17 ~ It comes back again and again. Trust Me. Just wait and trust Me.  Live today awake, aware, but for the moment today this is where you need to be. I know what you long for, but for now be here. Don't miss now. Deb, see Me in today.

6/18 ~ at Encounter => Gal 5:25, Matt. 11:28-30 => This is my desire, to live the unforced rhythms of grace, to live freely and lightly. Is there any way this is truly possible?? Will it always be "one day"? Can it not be now? How am I keeping this from being in my life or is there nothing more I can do? => Trust Me.  Wait.

Within the hour I was having that pivotal conversation with Melody Hogan that would lead to this journey.

Now still waiting but waiting with activity. Today, my director commented that in the context of activity, I am at rest. I sense being in step with Jesus. Though demanding of strength beyond myself, the experience is growing in me an attentiveness to his voice and a responsiveness to his touch.

Of the writing of books (or research) there is no end (24/100)

The more I read, the more I learn that my ideas may not be so original. The more I read the more I find to read. The more statistics and definitions and models I find regarding this issue of member care.

Yet, . . . 3.1% or 12,000 people are prematurely lost annually from the mission field.

AND in the business world there are the same issues related to cross-culturally mobile personnel where research in 2000 by Grant-allone and Ensher highlight these losses: 10-20% premature return home (some as high as 40%), extra financial loss to the company ($100,000 - $500,000), 20% of employees leave their company within three years of returning. [How many of these were Christians who lost opportunities to convey the grace of the Gospel in their work setting in otherwise unreachable places?]

Both professional missionaries and lay ministers of the Gospel working in cross-cultural settings are being lost annually in staggering numbers despite everything I am reading about definitions, models, and assessments. Researh is good, but if it does not impact these numbers and the lives lost without a Christ-honoring witness, what good is it?

Maybe I have nothing new to offer, who cares? All I care about is taking what I can learn and apply it to meeting these needs to promote resilience on the field for the sake of both the cross-cultural worker and the one(s) to whom he is ministering.

I can't not do this! I don't know what I have to really offer, but I am willing to try. I have to try.

Keeping me out of the way (23/100)

Engaging in this journey of intentionality related to calling has caused me to see calling addressed in almost everything I read, hear, and do. Realizing this, I try to guard against my bias when I am trying to find a reading or passage for another person.

During spiritual direction (and peer support), the time is for the other not for me. Yet, God graciously does work through those times for me and with me as well as the one I meet with. But this is not the point, and therefore, I am careful to remind myself that the time is not about me but about her.

Today, as I was preparing to facilitate peer support, I was repeatedly led to a reading addressing calling, specifically, a section in Nouwen's book, The Inner Voice of Love, "Follow your deepest calling." I kept attributing this to my own walk and struggles, and the experiences of another one who was to be present in the group today. But out of time, and knowing that it might be helpful to the one scheduled to present today, I grabbed the book and headed out the door. On the way, the use of a piece of scripture in conjunction with this came to mind, specifically, Psalm 23:1-3 in NAS and MSG versions. Thanks to my trusty Blackberry, I was ready.

As we began, I read the passages and piece as I planned, trusting that this was from God and not from me. The sobs and deep groaning of one touched in a way only You can touch and minister was the result. The theme for her time was established uniquely and specifically preparing her for the work You desired to do in our midst. The process testified to the value and purpose of peer support and demonstrated Your presence among us.

Typically, me getting out of the way so that you can work in another's life means me creating separation from my biases and themes. So, my initial reaction as I read the piece during my time of preparation was that this was all about me and therefore there must be something else you have specifically for her for this time, and so, I kept looking. This time, me getting out of your way meant being responsive to your gentle promptings and trusting that although the piece had meaning for me, it also had purpose and meaning that I could not understand for this woman presenting today.

It was truly not about me. It was about her. It was about you, Lord.

Acceptance (22/100)

Sometimes the greatest insight is realizing your own frailty.

Nothing surprising about this fact except my response.

I sense my need to embrace it without resistance.

Welcoming my own lack.

Overwhelmed with His sufficiency.

release

rest

an open hand

a soft pillow

settled in

sleep

Trusting the process (21/100)

At this point, I feel like I just need to trust the process. Fatigue is present but so is a determination not from me. When I don't feel like I can go on, there is a strength present that empowers me to stay at the journey.

Each day looks a bit different from the rest as do the insights. Thank you Jesus for the adventure

Although for months, I have been chomping at the bit just waiting for God to set me free to live fully into all he has for me, this journey has showed me that although full of desire, I wasn't ready. In fact, I'm not ready even now, but I will be.

No matter what has occurred before or is occurring now, by the end of this 100-day journey, my way of ordering my days will be quite different, and I will be trained unto the level of preparation needed for the next steps in the longer journey of calling God has for me.

A wake up call (20/100)

Carving out just two hours a day to live more fully into God's call on my life has served to awaken me from my complacency like a bucket of icy Atlantic seawater from my nephew awakens me from an afternoon nap on the beach. I am shocked at the reality check this 100-day journey of intentionality has been.

To think that I don't have two hours a day to give to what I really care about without being so depleted I can't function is amazing. There is something wrong with me that I could not see this before. I know my friends saw it and tried to enlighten me, but I would not, or could not, receive their counsel. The hidden impact of my lifelong habit of drivenness has clouded my vision. It is not that I didn't see that I was too busy or that I didn't long for more margin. What I have been blinded to is the result of this way of living.

The issue is NOT that I have given my time to things that don't matter or that I really don't care about, but that I have given away the best inexchange for good and better. Now choosing the best and finding there is no room for pursuing this without significant sacrifices of sleep, sabbath moments, and space for physical and mental rest has been the result.

O, God, I want your best for me! I desperately want to honor all of the creative time and energy you have invested in me. I want to know you in the experiences of all you have created me to be as your image bearer and intimate companion. To live as the manifest presence of your love to your servants as you pursue this world through them is my desire.

Grant me the grace to release the good and even the better in order to grasp the best in each day.

Maintaining contact (19/100)

Leaning into you today, Lord. No strength left, none but yours.

Continuing to learn, vision, and dream.

Growing awareness of a life of intentionality, living into all God has for me, daily choosing to release the good and sometimes the better for the best. Yet, this is a life of trust. Full knowledge and confidence in all God has for me is hidden by my vision that is clouded by sin and brokenness. But it is also hidden out of grace and God's desire for intimacy with me. In order to take each step without knowing fully my path, I must lean into him, not just for strength, but for guidance, as well. The shifting of his form supporting me as I walk guides my direction only as I trust what I feel in his movements. Losing contact with him means losing my ability to stay on the path he has for me. If I were to clearly know the way, I would depend on me, soon falling off the path for lack of strength and ability. It is in the not knowing, in the mystery, and the unknown that I am joined to him not just for direction but in awareness of all the other areas where I can't but he more than can. And in this, an experiential knowledge is revealed that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Learning to trust (18/100)

Trust in the context of personal mistakes, poor decisions, or failures is more than difficult, it's seemingly impossible compared to trusting God when I have done the best I can. The latter setting feels like I am doing my part and then trusting him to do his. In reality, is this really trust?

The former circumstance seems to be where REAL trust is required; in my frailty and lack rather than in my strength. When I must face the end of myself, the place where I have to admit I can't make something work, and when in the worst cases, I have to accept that my inadequacy has resulted in others being hurt or experiencing greater struggles, I most need to be able to trust, and today I most lack that ability. 

Trusting a God who is all powerful, full of mercy, abounding in love, what is so hard about that? Apparently,  this is beyond my ability when I know I deserve the opposite. This struggle seems to reveal a hidden point of self-deception, that when I do well, contributing all I can, I expect God to look on me with favor, and therefore, I trust. But when I or others are suffering because of my lack? How do I trust in this setting?

Anticipating the consequences of my own sin that I deserve to face leaves no room for trusting God's provision or goodness. Penance looks so appealing in such settings. Receiving my due stripes. Seeing how things can work out is not possible as my racing thoughts of guilt and shame cannot settle long enough to hear differently.  How can things work out for me for this is not what I deserve? How can I trust the goodness of God when I know my due is punishment? How can I not be punished? How do I receive this kind of grace?

More to the point, when will I accept that Jesus loves me, desires his best for me, longs for intimacy with me apart from what I do?

It is all about him, and not me. Again my self-focus is revealed.
O, my God, thank you for the forgiveness of the cross that demonstrates your grace given to me.
Thank you that you have chosen to act out of your character and not my effort.
Thank you that you take the time to transform this self-centered heart that I might walk in trust.

Rooted in the fact that Jesus is present, active, and good, trust freely flows through grace into me and through me to others.

Lessons in presence (17/100)

God has made me to be and meant me to exercise the discipline of being present with others. This gift makes me a good physician and a good spiritual director. I once had a patient tell me "I know you have many patients that you care for, but when you are here with me, I feel like I am your only patient."

The position of priority of focus adds more worth to a person in most instances than the gift of a year's salary. To be present with someone is more than being in the same physical environment. As noted by Charles Ringma (Seek the Silences), to be present to another person can only flow out of love which results in the ability to communicate, listen, join, and share.

To be present means I must set aside my cares and concerns, and in order to do this, I must have a place to leave these important things. This is where my own journey of faith and trust meets with ministry. I cannot be fully engaged in the present moment with another person unless the distractions of my world have been released. I cannot hear another's story with openness to them and to God unless I have quieted the noise of my own internal voice that tends to be filled with self-centered and self-focused chatter. I cannot feel the pain and hurt of another. In fact, I am not even given access to these deeper places of another until I allow my self-protecting walls to be destroyed by sufficient love making me willing to enter in with vulnerability to  places of pain and need.

Being present also means that I release my agendas for both my own and the other person's transformation. Only by surrendering this larger work that really only God can do am I free to be in the moment, and it is in the present moment that I allow the other person to be who they are without rushed intrusion. In love, I honor them and the level of unveiling that they offer but also the level of remaining hidden that preserves the sacred place of the other person's being.

Being present is important to me living my calling here and now, but it is essential for any future ministry particularly in the context of community. Additionally, it is only by being present to Jesus that any of the above can happen recognizing his choice by the Spirit to be fully present to me (and to you) with each breath I take.

Today's 3R's (16/100)

Returning -- Reading -- Resting

grateful for the time and space of a closed cabin door at 30,000 feet eliminating the necessity of keeping up with emails and assignments giving me space to spend time in reflection and reading on this Sabbath day.

Without control (15/100)

Traveling to spend time with family when engaged in this kind of journey has been as hard as I anticipated, particularly today.

Why is it easier to release control to God but not to other people? Or is this self-deception?

If I can't trust God to work through others to influence my world, then am I truly able to trust Him in anything?

Trusting
the unknown,
the mystery,
the hard places,
the good.

As Brennan Manning has presented before, this is a quality of ruthless trust. O, Lord, give me the grace necessary to live into this kind of grace on this journey and in life in general.

What's with the name? (14/100)

I don't know how many other other people do this, but I named my first car. It was a Pontiac Le Mans, two-door, white with maroon top. My mom wanted to be sure I was safe so this thing was a tank. As I began driving it, I felt it needed a name. I spent the next couple of weeks driving it in conversation about the name that would fit the best. The use of a small book of baby names assisted me in my effort. I can't remember fully why I chose the name I did, except that it represented strength, heritage and power.

For me, names have always been important. A name has significance in representing a person when nothing else is known about them. This is why I hate that it is with remembering names that I most struggle. Choosing a name for a child, or in our case for an organization, has a weight of responsibility for which I was unprepared as I began following the Lord on this path of living into my calling almost two years ago.

Today I returned to considering the official name for our organization that we now affectionately refer to as the No-Name Non-Profit (or the NNNP). Although we have an increasingly detailed strategic plan, a mission statement, a vision statement, core values, and the growing details for programming, we still do not have a name.

My impatience at times with God in this matter has served to remind me that I still have much to learn about trust. However, I am grateful that in more than one context over the last three years, I have learned to sit in the stillness and deepest darkness prior to the coming of dawn. In these moments, though not seen nor felt, your presence is most known. My ability to not just trust but rest in these times of mystery and the "not-knowing" is nothing other than testimony to the grace of God at work in this control-preferring, push-ahead-no-matter-what child.

No, at the conclusion of my time today, we still do not have a name, but I sense the light of dawn approaching. I know that whatever it is will fit us in uniqueness and expression; therefore, I am convinced that when we see it (hear it) we will know that it is right.

Oh, the name of my car?

Demetrius Alexander (I am so weird.)

A continuing struggle (13/100)

The internal struggle with the words of Pope John Paul overflow into today.

Story after story (from Daughters of Islam by Miriam Adeney) of God's broken people extending His love in the context of frailty and even sin, but extending none-the-less --> the heritage of the cross lived in the light of Easter. The cross is not just about sacrifice and death but also a lifespring of love that is meant to flow through the conduit of God's people to a lost and hurting world.

My attitude toward this group of Christians who have created this website (and chosen to share it freely) is nothing less than prejudice --> judging and condemning a group of people due to an outward characteristic or association.

ADVOCACY -- giving a voice to those without one

To live as God has made me as an advocate yields motivation, commitment, boldness, but the hazard is being susceptible in the absence of grace to judgementalism and prejudice.

Lord, help me to extend grace and assume we are as your children seeking the same goal of seeing the world redeemed. As I encounter those who missrepresent your gospel like I described yesterday, make me bold to speak, but cause me to extend grace and love even as I represent the one without a voice and stand against injustice.

So, which is worse, teaching that relationship with God requires keeping a set of rules

-- or --

using advocacy as a covering to conceal pride and arrogance?

Which can Jesus most easily overwhelm with his love, and despite it, guide those that are His into His waiting embrace?

Thankfully, both.

Being used by God is not a matter of our value or righteousness but a matter of His great love for the one He is pursuing. This is all the heritage of the cross in the light of Easter.

The challenge of living convictions (12/100)

Yesterday, I read a speech from Pope John Paul II challenging the community of the Faith with the lives of the martyrs. “A heritage which speaks more powerfully than all the causes of division” has been given to us by those who have gone before us. “The ecumenism of the martyrs and the witnesses to the faith is the most convincing of all; to the Christians of the 21^st century it shows the path to unity. It is the heritage of the cross lived in the light of Easter.”

Indeed, when laid side by side, the witnesses of the past in all the churches and ecclesial communities and the current schisms and divisions do not compare but instead reveal in contrast the breadth of boundless love with the narrow pettiness of self-righteous declaration. O, Lord, will they know that we are your disciples or will our lives speak louder than our words? (John 13:35).

And today, I found myself wondering if I was dwelling in love as I responded to an extensive website and program that promotes wholeness among college students. The materials looked so good that I wondered if there could be a way to work with the designers of the program.

But then, I discovered that the site was developed through a university sponsored by a particular church that I have problems accepting because of the way their members function on the mission field. In fact, what I have seen is the very opposite of the grace and love that is the gospel. Preaching Jesus they lay heavy burdens of legalism on the backs of the new believers. (My life filled with legalism prior to crossing the line of faith makes me particularly sensitive to this issue.) Examples of their actions that I have seen include requiring abandonment of the home culture, giving up the primary food source for the sake of dietary practices, and strict clothing and meeting practices outside of reason and cultural norms.

And so, what do I do with Pope John Paul's challenge and observation? Can I link arms with this group?

I don't see this as pettiness or self-righteousness. I think my convictions hang on the essence of the Pope's message; namely, the place of unity is the cross (the place of death and sacrifice) and the deliverance from the bondage of sin and law as expressed in the resurrection on Easter (new life, freedom, deliverance). Can I (we) learn from them? Absolutely, and we will.

Maybe, I'm wrong. Or maybe, particularly as I see the larger application of this ministry to cross-cultural workers of all categories (missionaries, development workers, business people), Pope John Paul has given me a filter that can serve to determine with whom to partner and with whom to only learn from.

The Pope's homily was delivered during a special ecumenical gathering to honor all those Christians killed for their faith in the 20^th century held at the Coliseum in Rome.

In whose strength? (11/100)

Following 84 hours filled with work responsibilities, I was tired and ready for some sleep. As I was driving home the thought crossed my mind to eat and head to bed followed quickly by the thought, "Give up now? No way!!"

Sometimes simple determination is the difference between success and failure in an endeavor. In fact, determination may be the only thing that keeps you going.

Whoa! What did I say?

If this were a journey in my own strength, my own power, perhaps I could declare that. But I know my OWN strength, non-existent in times like these. If I were operating out of my own strength this journey certainly would have ended in the last 3+ days of being on call.

This is a journey dependent on you, Jesus. Only in such dependence can I take the next step into the next moment. Dependence on your strength and not my own will get me through today and the next 89 as well.

This is a journey of abandoned trust that you will carry me not just when I am exhausted but even more so when I am feelig strong and self-assured. It is only as you empower my every moment will I complete what you have called me to in this journey of 100 days and the continuing journey of my life.

The wall (10/100)

I heard in Melody Hogan's story how about two weeks into her 100 day experience that she "hit a wall." At the time I didn't really know what she meant, I do now.

Even when you are doing what you are made for and love doing, the journey can become hard. Despite the previous days of successes and insights, today I'm tired. I just don't want to do this anymore. This is silly to be doing this. What's the point?
In silence, I sit. In silence I am reminded:

• the value of this journey? abundantly clear
• the work itself? important not just to me but invaluable to those with whom I am ministering and for whom we serve
• the time each day? useful
• worth it? yep
• silly? maybe, but still what I am to be doing

Thank you, Jesus, for the grace to begin the time today at the end of myself and in total dependence on you. Thank you for restoring my strength in the midst of the time, and then giving me the wisdom to walk away at the end of the two hours into a time of rest.

Today is a good reminder how even when living into all God has made me for means that there will be days when effort is required to stay at it. I am also reminded of my need for rest and how easily even doing a good thing can result in burnout.

Longing for and living freedom (9/100)

This jorney is bleeding into the other areas of my life (or is it the other way around?).

Today being Independence Day prompted my gratitude for societal freedom while reminding me that freedom comes with difficulty and struggle. I was thinking specifically at the time of my desire for financial freedom and challenged to stay at the task until this freedom is realized.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery" (Galatians 5:1).

Within the book I am reading on Muslim women, the liberating freedom of Christ's love that enables us to pursue service of power and influence was highlighted. I found myself again grateful but this time for the freedom of time these last several days to read, reflect, and invest in this journey.

One day I will be free to spend the time I am given fully invested in this work, but even now, I am free because of the work of Jesus in and through me.

Free
to listen & to hear
to watch & to see
to wait & to respond
to rest & to engage
to be & to follow hard after You.

"If the Son sets you free, you will be free in deed" (John 8:36).

Powerful, transforming words.

Where's the target? (8/100)

How can you hit a target unless you see the target? Whether using a gun, a bow & arrow, a sling shot, or a strong arm, if the target is not visible then hitting it is just a lucky shot.

Deciding I want to be healthy and live to be 90 like my grandmother is not sufficient. Only by first establishing what healthy looks like, considering my current strengths and motivations, and recognizing my underlying physical make up can I then develop a plan for taking me from where I am to where I want to be when I am 90.

Knowing that I want to grow in my relationship with Jesus is not sufficient. I need to have a vision of what that relationship is meant to be, an understanding of how I am created to connect with God, and clarity regarding the desires that motivate me before I can choose the most appropriate things to pursue.

Likewise in the context of member care, developing a lecture, a program, or even an organization does not mean the needs of the worker will be met. Additionally, prevention in any area of care requires seeing the potential harm (the result) of a given path before it has been travelled and then intervening in order to change paths. The conversation last night and my reading today has caused me to realize that perhaps the greatest contribution we can make is developing a means of self awareness whereby the unique targets for care are identified enabling a community of care to then meet those needs for each individual.

In other words, finding a way to identify the target before throwing the pitch is the key. Whether the pitch is a curve, a slider or a fast ball, only the pitch that lands in the strike zone will count. Everything else are balls and will never win the game.

Remembering the other side of this experience (7/100)

I am loving this journey of visioning and living into (even in small ways) my calling. Repeatedly, I am reminded that this ministry is something I cannot let go. I must live into it, and you are allowing me to do so even with my limited resources. I was reminded that not everyone has this same opportunity.

I met a woman today who feels that she has been set on the shelf and her "greatest fear is that this is where I will be left." She has in the past tasted the goodness of living into the unique ways God has made her, but for now she has had to release all of this and instead be in this hard place of longing without apparent hope of fulfillment. She knows what you have made her for and the possible vision for expressing her uniqueness. However, she sees no path linking her current state with her longing or vision. She almost can't even say it anymore because it seems like such an impossibility.

I have a taste of these feelings. There was a time when I knew I was made for something more, but all was too dark to see what that might be. Then once the light of God began to reveal my calling, I could not fathom that I would not one day live it to its fullest. Almost daily, however, I now struggle with the length of the path to get there. I am grateful that I live knowing I am moving though unlike my new friend who is unsure if she will ever take another step forward.

Lord, continue to loosen our grips of control allowing us to relax into you,

the One

who in all

circumstances

is

present,

active,

and good.

Space to invest (6/100)

Much of today was available for this work, and I was excited by this prospect. Despite this with fatigue being the context of the day, I thought I would struggle more to engage. In fact, I had trouble turning it off. I knew I needed to sleep and detach a bit in order to recover my energy and be ready for ministry responsibilities planned for the evening. However, I found myself repeatedly saying, "Let me just do this, and then I'll take a break." After this internal conversation for more than an hour, I forced myself to stop to eat lunch and rest.

It amazes me how lost I can become in this. Thank you, Jesus, for granting me an area of ministry that so captures my interest and imagination that I can't stop. How I long for the freedom to participate with you in this full time.

Yet, I see the potential hazard in my ability to become so engrossed in this kind of influential work. Lord, keep me in balance so that the ministry does not become more important than you or more engaging than the people you place in my path each day to whom I am to express your call to live into all you have made them to be.