holy compulsion

Have you ever felt compelled to do something? I find I can be compulsive at times and typically I regret the decision to act on such feelings. But do you think there is such a thing as “holy” compulsion?

Lately I have sensed a growing “have to” deep inside of me. It feels like the water of a geyser slowly rising, spreading into the cracks and crevices of the intervening rocks, pressing and growing and forcing its way to the surface. It feels like a mounting force that will not be held within this small confining space, but instead must be free!

This vision, this burden is ever growing, ever expanding, ever seeking expression outside of this confining space of my heart and mind. I can’t hold it back, and I don’t want to. I feel like I can’t keep back the expression of all that has been planted and formed in me. I wonder if this is what a seed feels like just before it bursts through the husk or what a new plant experiences just before its first leaves push up into the full light of day?

How do I hold back? How do I wait? All I want is to give myself fully to this calling, and everything I read and see cries out, “Do it! Go! Hold nothing back!”

O, God, how did Nehemiah do it?! How did he see the vision of the wall of Jerusalem being re-built and wait in the service of the King until he was released? How did he stay put until the way of provision was made ready?

O, my Jesus, how do I?

Facing the hard things

I find it hard to gaze into the face of suffering -- within moments I can't help but look away to hope -- it is just too real, too painful, too close to my own pain for me to allow myself to look long in its direction for I find that despair is close at hand. -- anonymous

When I see suffering, I find that the pain is too great for me and before I know it I am trying to fix it. It is just too difficult and so uncomfortable to accept the way things are without interfering! To just be with someone in the midst of their pain and struggle -- to just be with my own pain and struggle -- is so hard.

To accept that God is still alive, still at work in such things is also hard. And yet, to say that He is not there is unthinkable! If He is not there in my pain, how could I ever believe that He is a God who truly loves me? I have plenty of those "fair weather" friends. But those who are closest are those with whom I have shared my deepest sorrows and greatest struggles, and they have chosen to stay. And best of all, they have chosen to just be with me in the midst of my pain without trying to fix me or the situation. Why would I expect that it would be any different with God?

And so, as I see the pain of loss in the lives of my friends, I will by grace release my own pain and choose to be fully present, engaging their pain, but without interfering. And in this I will trust that Jesus will be their closest friend.