Over these last days, I have sensed a hand in my back pressing me forward as I lean back. Moving forward but with hesitancy not really resistance.
This has come as the work has seemed to slow and even stall. Having essentially finished the strategic plan, I've been trying to move into getting the business plan done. This has happened with an internal resistance.
This has cause me to consider whether when I am resistant to working on something, it is not about me being unfocused, unintentional, or lazy. Maybe it is an internal check that is there to remind me that the area is something in which I don't excel, something I need to involve others, or the timing is not right.
I was considering this in my time this morning as I decided to set this aside and work on other things. Although I had easily 2-3 hours of space in my morning schedule fatigue (and maybe a bit of discouragement) won out. And so, after a morning nap I headed to work.
Three responses to emails I sent yesterday, and an additional resource sent to me from a friend, has demonstrated that although I thought activity was slowing, God has been at work, and we have actually been moving though I could not perceive it.
Unexpectedly various contacts have been made or re-established to keep things moving. That which I am not as skilled as has now several potential points of assistance established. More evidence of the trust walk this journey is.
Thank you Jesus for Your guiding touch that compels me onward with You.
August 31, 2010
August 30, 2010
Learning in the small things (66/100)
Today has been about the little things. I'm reminded of the following verse:
The phone calls, emails, schedules, Google searches, and the like.
Inputting appointments and schedules in the trusted BB and having them disappear within the next hour when I go back to add another appointment.
Looking all over the SCORE website for the York area group and finding nothing on non-profits despite hearing from others that this is one of the best organizations to find reasonable help.
Reading the materials again from my current class and still not understanding how this can help me develop a presentation or plan to advocate for cross-cultural workers.
The little things that ought to work but don't serve to test my growth edge of trust. Am I willing to trust Jesus when it feels like I'm just spinning my wheels and making no progress? Will I allow these kinds of things to frustrate me to the point of anger?
Will I choose to pray when I feel these things begin to grow inside of me? Will I choose to release all of this though I do not understand Your ways but know Your heart? Thankfully for this last one the answer is an absolute, "Yes." Thankfully, I am learning to turn to you sooner and that this is another aspect of resting in You in this journey and in life.
The phone calls, emails, schedules, Google searches, and the like.
Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. -- Mt 25:23
Inputting appointments and schedules in the trusted BB and having them disappear within the next hour when I go back to add another appointment.
Looking all over the SCORE website for the York area group and finding nothing on non-profits despite hearing from others that this is one of the best organizations to find reasonable help.
Reading the materials again from my current class and still not understanding how this can help me develop a presentation or plan to advocate for cross-cultural workers.
The little things that ought to work but don't serve to test my growth edge of trust. Am I willing to trust Jesus when it feels like I'm just spinning my wheels and making no progress? Will I allow these kinds of things to frustrate me to the point of anger?
Will I choose to pray when I feel these things begin to grow inside of me? Will I choose to release all of this though I do not understand Your ways but know Your heart? Thankfully for this last one the answer is an absolute, "Yes." Thankfully, I am learning to turn to you sooner and that this is another aspect of resting in You in this journey and in life.
August 29, 2010
A continuing need (65/100)
On my Sabbath days during this 100-day journey, I have tried to engage in activities that are less like work (though seldom does any of this feel like work). The strategic plans, business development, and even programming are laid down for a day. Leaving with intention these things are placed in the hands of Jesus to hold for a day.
Today this has taken the form of starting a new book to read for fun. I have been wanting to read more about and stuff from Amy Carmichael. She seems like an amazing woman who served as a missionary at the turn of the last century in Asia. In searching Google Books (My favorite new source for reading materials because its FREE.), I ran across her book, Things as They Are (1906).
In this book, Carmichael depicts the reality of the response of the people of southern India to the Gospel. Commentators on her book state similar things as the following:
And so, if this is how it was in the early 1900s, how is it now? How pressured do our current cross-cultural workers feel obliged to share the good and diminish the struggles both in the work and in their own lives? This speaks to the motivation for our ministry of Resilience. Our goals include individualized care because each person is unique with their own story that needs space and safety to be told, and unique pains and struggles that merit a personal response.
Will any of these personal aspects be revealed in this book? Only continued reading will show this. However, the generalized support from the mission community of the time when this book was first published certainly testifies to a very human state that is likely still present today as captured by another commentator:
Today this has taken the form of starting a new book to read for fun. I have been wanting to read more about and stuff from Amy Carmichael. She seems like an amazing woman who served as a missionary at the turn of the last century in Asia. In searching Google Books (My favorite new source for reading materials because its FREE.), I ran across her book, Things as They Are (1906).
In this book, Carmichael depicts the reality of the response of the people of southern India to the Gospel. Commentators on her book state similar things as the following:
This book... meets a real need -- it depicts a phase of mission work of which, as a rule, very little is heard. Every missionary can tell of cases where people have been won for Christ, and mention incidents of more than passing interest.... the danger is... the impression should be given that they represent the normal state of things, the reverse being the case. (p. vi)At the beginning of the first chapter a missionary to India and Arabia states, "There is too little desire to know what is the actual state of mission work in India, and a regard to the showy and attractive rather than to the solid and practical" (p.1).
And so, if this is how it was in the early 1900s, how is it now? How pressured do our current cross-cultural workers feel obliged to share the good and diminish the struggles both in the work and in their own lives? This speaks to the motivation for our ministry of Resilience. Our goals include individualized care because each person is unique with their own story that needs space and safety to be told, and unique pains and struggles that merit a personal response.
Will any of these personal aspects be revealed in this book? Only continued reading will show this. However, the generalized support from the mission community of the time when this book was first published certainly testifies to a very human state that is likely still present today as captured by another commentator:
That [Amy Carmichael] has painted a dark picture... cannot be denied, but... I rejoice that she had the courage to do what was so much needed, and yet, what so many of us shrank from doing. (p. v)Lord, cause us to not deny the truth pushing it to either side, but cause us to create a place of safety for our brothers and sisters to be real in the context of a loving community interested in God's work being accomplished in and through them as unique gifts to this world.
August 28, 2010
Considering the structure and the heart (64/100)
Considering today the issues surrounding governance. Sensing (but not really knowing) that this needs to look one way at an organization’s founding and another after it is established I find myself continuously trying to see things through these two perspectives.
Order and structure, accountability and faithfulness, these are our goals. These are also the case as board structure, strategic plans, business plans, and other such administrative structures are considered. These feel like framing of a building or the skeleton of the body, but the heart, the life is discernment. The following is from our current plan for practicing discernment as a community.
Order and structure, accountability and faithfulness, these are our goals. These are also the case as board structure, strategic plans, business plans, and other such administrative structures are considered. These feel like framing of a building or the skeleton of the body, but the heart, the life is discernment. The following is from our current plan for practicing discernment as a community.
Our intention as a community is to respond from a place of discerning and distinguishing God’s will and leading. Moving forward “on the basis of discernment rather than human planning” is accomplished in our life together as leaders, by being grounded in prayer and the other spiritual practices. We therefore maintain our commitment to scripture, silence, solitude, listening to God and each other, worship, intercession, self-examination, and confession as the underpinning for the discernment process.
We see discernment as a core value of our community. Because we long to have a shared sense of God’s desire and leading, this process is for those decisions that shape our identity, values, policies and direction as a community. Therefore having an attitude of discernment continually is our intent individually, but as a practice, discernment is to be engage only for these types of significant decisions.
One of the defining characteristics of spiritual community is a shared commitment to move forward on the basis of discernment rather than human planning and strategic maneuvering.
-- Ruth Haley Barton, Strengthen the Soul of Your Leadership
August 27, 2010
Broken to be useful (63/100)
Laying this work and this journey into Jesus' hands to hold this evening at the first Contemplative Coffee Bar, I moved more deeply into my desire for You in the context of community.
You have chosen to not destroy me but to hold me together -- why? Why not let it be all of You? Why not remove me completely so that Your glory might shine unhindered?
But You have chosen not to remove me, instead You hold me ever so delicately together tho' near shattering, collapsing, falling into a heap of dust.
Displaying Your glory so that others can see You -- the contrast of my darkness making greater Your glory appear.
This great treasure, this marvelous light,
Fragile, even broken in spots, spilling out its contents. This jar, unable to hold it in, but in Your economy, the most useful, not the least. I am meant to spill out You as I am carried along in Your work.
Made to be who I am -- fragile, easily broken, dependent on the glue of You holding me together -- every flaw existing with purpose, great purpose in contrast and in releasing.
This is us, all of us, not just me.
Living, existing with purpose that the world cannot see. For a pot or a jar is to hold its contents, but we are made to spill out our contents lavishly onto all we touch and all we meet.
We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. -- 2 Cor 4:7 (NLT)
Fragile clay jar = that which is near breaking, nearly shattered, yet, still held together
You have chosen to not destroy me but to hold me together -- why? Why not let it be all of You? Why not remove me completely so that Your glory might shine unhindered?
But You have chosen not to remove me, instead You hold me ever so delicately together tho' near shattering, collapsing, falling into a heap of dust.
Displaying Your glory so that others can see You -- the contrast of my darkness making greater Your glory appear.
This great treasure, this marvelous light,
shining in me, shining past me,
others looking in my direction, but seeing You,
only You in Your blinding glory.
Fragile, even broken in spots, spilling out its contents. This jar, unable to hold it in, but in Your economy, the most useful, not the least. I am meant to spill out You as I am carried along in Your work.
Made to be who I am -- fragile, easily broken, dependent on the glue of You holding me together -- every flaw existing with purpose, great purpose in contrast and in releasing.
This is us, all of us, not just me.
Living, existing with purpose that the world cannot see. For a pot or a jar is to hold its contents, but we are made to spill out our contents lavishly onto all we touch and all we meet.
August 26, 2010
Still growing (62/100)
Too often, I start when praying out in a cry for help, "O, God, I can't do this without You. . . "
The fact is that I can't do anything without You. I can't even take a single breath without You filling my lungs with Your breath of life. Am I reminding myself of this when I start a prayer in this way? I think so. This prayer surfaces like a geyser from deep inside of me in times of overwhelming struggle and feelings of powerlessness. When I am spent, when I have exhausted myself in trying to make everything work, when all I want to do is quit, it is then that this cry bursts forth.
When am I going to get it? This is not my work, it is Yours. None of it. Not my job situation, school, finances, ministry, family, friends, or even me.
This 100-day journey is about growing in trust, and again today, I am reminded of my need to do just that. I am challenged by the following song from Relient K to not underestimate the work You are doing in me through all of this.
I think I can't, I think I can't, but I think you can. I think you can.
For the Moments I Feel Faint -- Relient K
The fact is that I can't do anything without You. I can't even take a single breath without You filling my lungs with Your breath of life. Am I reminding myself of this when I start a prayer in this way? I think so. This prayer surfaces like a geyser from deep inside of me in times of overwhelming struggle and feelings of powerlessness. When I am spent, when I have exhausted myself in trying to make everything work, when all I want to do is quit, it is then that this cry bursts forth.
When am I going to get it? This is not my work, it is Yours. None of it. Not my job situation, school, finances, ministry, family, friends, or even me.
This 100-day journey is about growing in trust, and again today, I am reminded of my need to do just that. I am challenged by the following song from Relient K to not underestimate the work You are doing in me through all of this.
For the Moments I Feel Faint
Am I at the point of no improvement? What of the death I still dwell in?
I try to excel, but I feel no movement. Can I be free of this unreleasable sin?
Never underestimate my Jesus. You're telling me that there's no hope.
I'm telling you you're wrong. Never underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles He will be strong, He will be strong
I throw up my hands, "Oh, the impossibilities!"
Frustrated and tired. Where do I go from here?
Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly
Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fear
Never underestimate my Jesus. You're telling me that there's no hope.
I'm telling you you're wrong. Never underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles He will be strong, He will be strong
I think I can't, I think I can't, but I think you can. I think you can.
I think I can't, I think I can't, but I think you can. I think you can.
Gather my insufficiencies and place them in your hands, place them in your hands, place them in your hands.
For the Moments I Feel Faint -- Relient K
August 25, 2010
What if (61/100)
Feeling a bit overwhelmed this evening. It seems like with every layer of development written I find multiple other ones surfacing that need more detail. It feels like peeling away the layers of an onion but from the inside rather than the outside. (Hard to imagine, I know, but hang with me in this.) Its like taking out the core and then trying to remove each successive layer toward the outside. Each layer is bigger and denser and more likely to spray that tear-inducing fluid into the air and my eyes. More and more to be developed, considered, and lived into.
With each line of increasing detail of this plan that I am writing, the magnitude of this vision seems to grow. The potential comments of others reading this can't help but be to say that this is impossible. Deb, no one can do all of this.
Maybe the voice of discouragement in my head is right? This is too big, too much for us, to much for me.
The vision is for individualized care. Maybe we can't do this for a business or agency, maybe not even for a church. Maybe all that we can do is provide this for one single cross-cultural worker. And if that is the case, is that enough? Will I, will we, have invested our time and talents well if only one worker is influenced to live and minister with resilience?
I am compelled to say, "Yes!"
I cannot know the end from the beginning of this thing. Perhaps God will grant us influence with many, fulfilling the breadth of my vision, but perhaps there will only be one. But if there is only one, then in this too God knows His purposes beyond what I understand.
What if no one is influenced, no one is helped, none of this materializes?
I will need more time to pray and consider this, but I feel that even in this I can hold onto God's character that is present, active and still good. I will know that He is still intimately involved in my life, in our lives, and in the lives of all of those serving across this world. Even in this case, we are not abandoned, we are not forsaken.
And so, although overwhelmed with all that I have vision for and all of the details still to be expressed, I can rest. Although living into all of this may appear to be far beyond mine and our abilities, none of this is beyond You. All I am to do is lean and rest into You allowing You to guide and direct, love and nurture each of us in our journeys.
With each line of increasing detail of this plan that I am writing, the magnitude of this vision seems to grow. The potential comments of others reading this can't help but be to say that this is impossible. Deb, no one can do all of this.
Maybe the voice of discouragement in my head is right? This is too big, too much for us, to much for me.
The vision is for individualized care. Maybe we can't do this for a business or agency, maybe not even for a church. Maybe all that we can do is provide this for one single cross-cultural worker. And if that is the case, is that enough? Will I, will we, have invested our time and talents well if only one worker is influenced to live and minister with resilience?
Would all this work be worth it?
Would God be pleased?
I am compelled to say, "Yes!"
I cannot know the end from the beginning of this thing. Perhaps God will grant us influence with many, fulfilling the breadth of my vision, but perhaps there will only be one. But if there is only one, then in this too God knows His purposes beyond what I understand.
What if no one is influenced, no one is helped, none of this materializes?
I will need more time to pray and consider this, but I feel that even in this I can hold onto God's character that is present, active and still good. I will know that He is still intimately involved in my life, in our lives, and in the lives of all of those serving across this world. Even in this case, we are not abandoned, we are not forsaken.
And so, although overwhelmed with all that I have vision for and all of the details still to be expressed, I can rest. Although living into all of this may appear to be far beyond mine and our abilities, none of this is beyond You. All I am to do is lean and rest into You allowing You to guide and direct, love and nurture each of us in our journeys.
August 24, 2010
Reminded of purpose (60/100)
Fatigue in general and frustration with my current class on Advocacy is resulting in poor engagement into this learning opportunity. To pursue this as a class that needs to be completed is where I have been today as I have been forcing myself to just do the work.
Frustrated and irritated. Reminded to pray. Crying out for help to get the work done. Crying out for meaning and purpose in this.
Gently reminded that advocacy is part of my bent. Speaking for the voiceless was my role in my family. All through medical school and residency I engaged the process of crafting public policy and advocating for patients and for change in the healthcare system. My intent was to work within the system to make things better. Then faced with the overwhelming reality of being in practice, I lost hope of anything ever changing.
But even prior to this, I began to sense that my role as an advocate in the future would be within a different setting. As I previously posted, I unexpectedly found my voice again as an advocate in my final assignment I will be doing for this class. (Somehow I had forgotten about this until I offered this situation in prayer today.)
I remembered that I need to learn this material (as best I can) for the sake of living out not only my own calling but also leading our ministry in expressing our fifth core strategy.
Frustrated and irritated. Reminded to pray. Crying out for help to get the work done. Crying out for meaning and purpose in this.
Gently reminded that advocacy is part of my bent. Speaking for the voiceless was my role in my family. All through medical school and residency I engaged the process of crafting public policy and advocating for patients and for change in the healthcare system. My intent was to work within the system to make things better. Then faced with the overwhelming reality of being in practice, I lost hope of anything ever changing.
But even prior to this, I began to sense that my role as an advocate in the future would be within a different setting. As I previously posted, I unexpectedly found my voice again as an advocate in my final assignment I will be doing for this class. (Somehow I had forgotten about this until I offered this situation in prayer today.)
I remembered that I need to learn this material (as best I can) for the sake of living out not only my own calling but also leading our ministry in expressing our fifth core strategy.
We will enhance awareness to the needs of the cross-cultural worker within their church, agency, and/or business. As we promote awareness of the needs of cross-cultural workers, we will take opportunities to engage supporting churches, agencies, and businesses in the work of individualized, holistic care of their personnel. Our hope is that with time, there will develop an increasingly contagious commitment to caring for our brothers and sisters who are stepping out into the hard places of the world displaying the glory of Christ regardless of their financial supporting mechanism.Lord, grant that I might learn well those aspects of this class that have meaning and purpose for Your work through me though I don't see all the connections. Give me clarity of mind and renew in me a teachable spirit. As with this journey, so also in this class, I don't want to miss being with You, experiencing You, moving through this place of struggle leaning into You, Your presence, Your movements.
August 23, 2010
When there is nothing left (59/100)
Trying to do the reading in anticipation for my class tonight, listening to the discussion, seeing a powerpoint presentation -- fatigue, the influence of a long day, recently consumed coffee found to be less than effective. "I just want this to be over so I can sleep."
Knowing that I still had another hour to give to this journey and absolutely unable to imagine how I will do it.
And then, . . .
prayer. asking. gracious provision.
Suddenly, my mind is fresh. Continuing to consider revisions of the strategic plan. Continuing programming development. Consideration of the many details I previously laid out and now trying to stay aware of how they fit into the programming and organizational development as currently outlined. Not exactly easy things to consider much less do when so tired.
When I can't go on, You provide. When I can't think straight, You think for me. When there is nothing left, You are there. How can I not trust a God so intimately responsive to my needs and honoring of my heart to live all He has for me?
Knowing that I still had another hour to give to this journey and absolutely unable to imagine how I will do it.
And then, . . .
prayer. asking. gracious provision.
Suddenly, my mind is fresh. Continuing to consider revisions of the strategic plan. Continuing programming development. Consideration of the many details I previously laid out and now trying to stay aware of how they fit into the programming and organizational development as currently outlined. Not exactly easy things to consider much less do when so tired.
When I can't go on, You provide. When I can't think straight, You think for me. When there is nothing left, You are there. How can I not trust a God so intimately responsive to my needs and honoring of my heart to live all He has for me?
August 22, 2010
Desire reassured (58/100)
Today helping another organization as its leaders are establishing their ministry gave me the chance to briefly share how I feel our organization can support their work. After explaining just a small point of our programming plans, the person I was speaking to commented, "It's obvious that this is your passion."
I can't help it. When I speak about this work, my passion bleeds through in every word.
And everywhere I look, especially within my church, I see the potential for integrating resources in this area.
Engaging in this activity and then in this daily journey of intentionality, my impatience again surfaced. I want to spend all my time doing this. O, God, when will this be possible!
Immediately there was an internal check, and a prayer of desire surfaced, "Lord, help me rest into you as I wait."
Faithfully preparing,
living daily into calling,
continuing to grow in awareness of You,
hearing Your reassuring voice speaking with calmness,
"Just wait. My timing is best. Your vision will be realized for I gave it to you."
I can't help it. When I speak about this work, my passion bleeds through in every word.
And everywhere I look, especially within my church, I see the potential for integrating resources in this area.
Engaging in this activity and then in this daily journey of intentionality, my impatience again surfaced. I want to spend all my time doing this. O, God, when will this be possible!
Immediately there was an internal check, and a prayer of desire surfaced, "Lord, help me rest into you as I wait."
Faithfully preparing,
living daily into calling,
continuing to grow in awareness of You,
hearing Your reassuring voice speaking with calmness,
"Just wait. My timing is best. Your vision will be realized for I gave it to you."
August 21, 2010
Freedom to release (57/100)
Reminded of the cost of the freedoms I enjoy as I visited the Liberty Bell, Independence Hall, and the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier in Philly with some friends who were visiting from Texas.
Reminded also that although rest and peace and holding myself and others without expectations has become a part of my life, there are significant friends for whom this kind of walk doesn't make sense. At the minimum, they see me not making sense, at the worst as captured by heresy.
I so easily forget the privilege it is to engage in the level of community I do these days. The freedom to live fully into all God has made me to be flows out of this community dynamic. This confirms the need for us in this ministry to cross-cultural workers to do what we can to create such a community of safety for them so that they can live into their calling as God has meant for them.
There is so much freedom in a life of trust in God's love and goodness. I don't have to fix every one's lives or ministries or doctrines. I can trust God to be God and join Him in His work as He gives opportunity, but He is the one doing the fixing. Lord, grow my friends and family in the experience of Your love and the freedom it brings to dwell in this place of confident intimacy with You.
Reminded also that although rest and peace and holding myself and others without expectations has become a part of my life, there are significant friends for whom this kind of walk doesn't make sense. At the minimum, they see me not making sense, at the worst as captured by heresy.
I so easily forget the privilege it is to engage in the level of community I do these days. The freedom to live fully into all God has made me to be flows out of this community dynamic. This confirms the need for us in this ministry to cross-cultural workers to do what we can to create such a community of safety for them so that they can live into their calling as God has meant for them.
There is so much freedom in a life of trust in God's love and goodness. I don't have to fix every one's lives or ministries or doctrines. I can trust God to be God and join Him in His work as He gives opportunity, but He is the one doing the fixing. Lord, grow my friends and family in the experience of Your love and the freedom it brings to dwell in this place of confident intimacy with You.
August 20, 2010
Being me (56/100)
A continuing sense of rest and anticipation is energizing my work on the organization and awareness in my journey. There is also a growing contentment with who I am and how God has made me. In my time this morning I took noteof my role as a nuturer -- one who promotes and sustains the growth and development of another.
In the MBTI, this is a description of an ISFJ; however, I am an INTP/INFP, a mix between the Thinker and the Idealist. Yet, in function as a sister, daughter, physician, mentor, and now developer of a member care organization, I am a nurturer.
This is not a role I previously embraced, but I think this had (and still sometimes still has) to do with the platforms I was being boxed into. Now in this place of living into my calling as God has meant for me to live, I am comfortable wearing this and other roles with a freedom and sense of space I have not previously known.
My experiences along this journey of intentionality and calling are growing my passion for everyone to have the privilege of living fully into all God has made them to be.
There is nothing better! Everyone should do this!
Yet, I also know from my own experience that this was not possible for me until I moved into an ongoing love relationship with Jesus. I was a Christian who had been changed by the Gospel; yet, it was not until five years ago that I finally got it. God, the God of the universe, loves me!
The reality of this radically transformed everything for me. Now, the more I am convinced in the moment by moment of my life that he loves me, I grow to trust his presence that will never leave, his character of goodness that will never change, and his ongoing activity that is orchestrating mine and each person's experiences to manifest his glory. Because of all of this I can engage this journey and long for this for every person that exists.
O, Jesus, continue to love us unto the freedom of being who you have made us to be.
In the MBTI, this is a description of an ISFJ; however, I am an INTP/INFP, a mix between the Thinker and the Idealist. Yet, in function as a sister, daughter, physician, mentor, and now developer of a member care organization, I am a nurturer.
This is not a role I previously embraced, but I think this had (and still sometimes still has) to do with the platforms I was being boxed into. Now in this place of living into my calling as God has meant for me to live, I am comfortable wearing this and other roles with a freedom and sense of space I have not previously known.
My experiences along this journey of intentionality and calling are growing my passion for everyone to have the privilege of living fully into all God has made them to be.
There is nothing better! Everyone should do this!
Yet, I also know from my own experience that this was not possible for me until I moved into an ongoing love relationship with Jesus. I was a Christian who had been changed by the Gospel; yet, it was not until five years ago that I finally got it. God, the God of the universe, loves me!
The reality of this radically transformed everything for me. Now, the more I am convinced in the moment by moment of my life that he loves me, I grow to trust his presence that will never leave, his character of goodness that will never change, and his ongoing activity that is orchestrating mine and each person's experiences to manifest his glory. Because of all of this I can engage this journey and long for this for every person that exists.
O, Jesus, continue to love us unto the freedom of being who you have made us to be.
August 19, 2010
Feeling loved (55/100)
There are just some days when you feel a bit more loved than others (and because of this more lovely). This has been one of those for me. What made this the case today is multifaceted.
Some of it is being engaged in places of influence for the Kingdom.
I began my day with a group of people committed to seeing God change the city of York by influencing the lives of children and their families through education and the power of a loving, spiritual community. What a privilege to serve with them.
Moving from this setting to caring for patients from ages five to 86 demonstrated to me the potential within my profession to influence across the span of life. Encouraging the development of a child into all God has called him to be despite any apparent obstacles or providing counsel for living life to the end with dignity, strength, and personal influence.
Some of it is the love of others in their gifts of provision and themselves.
Receiving a gift of care from some of my friends was an additional place unique to today. This demonstrated to me the way my friends see me and that caring for the external can reduce the hindrances of expressing the internal work of God in my life.
Continuing my day having the chance to see members of my adopted family from Texas who have come to visit. This reminded me of the value I add to others lives not just now as I am living more fully into my calling but through the years as well.
And some of it is the privilege of calling and expression.
Finally, being here concluding this days work on this journey into calling and specifically refining the presentation of our strategic plan for launching Relevant Resilience. That God would give me this vision and then grant me the privilege of living into it is amazing.
And then there is now. Posting to this blog where others engaging in their own journeys perhaps are finding encouragement from mine.
Grateful in love. Satisfied in His embrace.
Some of it is being engaged in places of influence for the Kingdom.
I began my day with a group of people committed to seeing God change the city of York by influencing the lives of children and their families through education and the power of a loving, spiritual community. What a privilege to serve with them.
Moving from this setting to caring for patients from ages five to 86 demonstrated to me the potential within my profession to influence across the span of life. Encouraging the development of a child into all God has called him to be despite any apparent obstacles or providing counsel for living life to the end with dignity, strength, and personal influence.
Some of it is the love of others in their gifts of provision and themselves.
Receiving a gift of care from some of my friends was an additional place unique to today. This demonstrated to me the way my friends see me and that caring for the external can reduce the hindrances of expressing the internal work of God in my life.
Continuing my day having the chance to see members of my adopted family from Texas who have come to visit. This reminded me of the value I add to others lives not just now as I am living more fully into my calling but through the years as well.
And some of it is the privilege of calling and expression.
Finally, being here concluding this days work on this journey into calling and specifically refining the presentation of our strategic plan for launching Relevant Resilience. That God would give me this vision and then grant me the privilege of living into it is amazing.
And then there is now. Posting to this blog where others engaging in their own journeys perhaps are finding encouragement from mine.
Grateful in love. Satisfied in His embrace.
August 18, 2010
Holding on (54/100)
I am sensing a gentle press to get ready. I'm not sure what God is up to, but there is something He's preparing.
This evening I'm returning to previous work to update and enhance the various presentations of our history, strategic plan, structure, governance, programming, etc. The level of increasing detail and clarity I have now compared to a year ago when I first wrote this material is amazing.
This exercise prompts me to pause and reflect on the journey since August of 2008 when God spoke to my heart unifying a vision for holistic care of the cross-cultural worker in the context of community. Joining with two friends with expertise in psychology and spiritual formation, we began with a day of discernment seeking God's direction for us individually and as an organization. Continuing in this rhythm of bi-annual retreat and regular meetings, we have steadily progressed. Along the way, God has steadily added skills and details through various people and through my classes as I have pursued a program in organizational leadership. However, by May of this year I was feeling frustrated and distracted by all of the other responsibilities of life, work, family, and ministry.
Within this context I engaged by faith this journey of 100-days. The result has been a huge leap forward in the development of this ministry and organization and in my own trust relationship with Jesus.
On some days in fatigue, I come home ready to fall into bed at 7pm. Ready to let this go.
But in the same way I cannot walk away from the vision God has given me for missionary care; I cannot walk away from this journey. To walk away and stop now would mean missing something God has for me. I want His best for me in everyway. I want more of Him. O, God, continue to give me the grace needed for all you have for me yet to be unveiled.
This evening I'm returning to previous work to update and enhance the various presentations of our history, strategic plan, structure, governance, programming, etc. The level of increasing detail and clarity I have now compared to a year ago when I first wrote this material is amazing.
This exercise prompts me to pause and reflect on the journey since August of 2008 when God spoke to my heart unifying a vision for holistic care of the cross-cultural worker in the context of community. Joining with two friends with expertise in psychology and spiritual formation, we began with a day of discernment seeking God's direction for us individually and as an organization. Continuing in this rhythm of bi-annual retreat and regular meetings, we have steadily progressed. Along the way, God has steadily added skills and details through various people and through my classes as I have pursued a program in organizational leadership. However, by May of this year I was feeling frustrated and distracted by all of the other responsibilities of life, work, family, and ministry.
Within this context I engaged by faith this journey of 100-days. The result has been a huge leap forward in the development of this ministry and organization and in my own trust relationship with Jesus.
On some days in fatigue, I come home ready to fall into bed at 7pm. Ready to let this go.
But in the same way I cannot walk away from the vision God has given me for missionary care; I cannot walk away from this journey. To walk away and stop now would mean missing something God has for me. I want His best for me in everyway. I want more of Him. O, God, continue to give me the grace needed for all you have for me yet to be unveiled.
August 17, 2010
Together we grow (53/100)
The value of community is increasingly evident. Today particularly, I was reminded of this in spiritual direction and in a time of seeking counsel from those who have gone before us in this realm of starting a ministry.
This has occurred after being challenged this weekend by my professor that doing community at the leadership level is not an easy prospect. Yet, I am absolutely convinced that this is God's intention, at least for us. Because of this, we have begun and will continue to function out of this context. It is part of who we are as an organization and ministry. Our community covenant captures this in the following statements:
Our intention is to gather as an authentic spiritual community around the person of Jesus, growing together in love, being intentional about spiritual transformation and committed to discerning the will of God in our lives and as a community. We make a commitment to the following community activities:
O. Lord, gather together those of us who will fulfill Your heart's desire of caring for Your people serving unto Your glory in the harder places of this world.
This has occurred after being challenged this weekend by my professor that doing community at the leadership level is not an easy prospect. Yet, I am absolutely convinced that this is God's intention, at least for us. Because of this, we have begun and will continue to function out of this context. It is part of who we are as an organization and ministry. Our community covenant captures this in the following statements:
Our intention is to gather as an authentic spiritual community around the person of Jesus, growing together in love, being intentional about spiritual transformation and committed to discerning the will of God in our lives and as a community. We make a commitment to the following community activities:
- deepening personal intimacy with Jesus through consistent and intentional practice of such disciplines as prayer, silence, solitude, lectio divina, study, and seeking spiritual guidance as ways of keeping us open and surrendered to the work of the Spirit
- growing self-awareness in our giftedness, callings, longings with God, frailties, and dark-side issues
- nurturing relationships with each other by increasing intimacy through vulnerability and transparency, creating a place of safety in which to share, and speaking the truth with love and grace
- helping protect our limits by establishing healthy boundaries and growing awareness of when to say, “No."
- continuously seeking God’s will together by growing in our understanding and practice of discernment as a community
- creating a rhythm of rest, retreat, and renewal through biannual weekend retreat as a community (1/2 time for personal retreat and ½ time being attentive to God’s voice for the community)
O. Lord, gather together those of us who will fulfill Your heart's desire of caring for Your people serving unto Your glory in the harder places of this world.
August 16, 2010
Another aspect of trust (52/100)
Surprised to find that lessons from my policy class apply to our work. In the same way that good public policy involves developing outcomes rooted in the needs of the people, I believe that good member care involves identifying and providing for the self-professed and objective needs of the cross-cultural worker.
Perhaps this is my bias toward our methodology, but it seems that the Church or agency or anyone can only presume to know the needs of a person. If programming is not individualized, how can we expect to be as effective as needed or as God has equipped us to be in the care of people.
Although this is my bias toward individualization of care, I daily struggle to release what I think is best for another person based on my experience or knowledge as a physician (or mentor or spiritual director). My contributions are possible, and sometimes even helpful, when I operate from this habit. However, if I desire the best for others and not just good or better then I need to continue to learn to offer my help, advice, and counsel humbly remembering that the person I am attempting to minister to can hear from God for their own needs better than I will ever be able to.
Likewise, I need to remember that God is God and I am not. He is more than capable to get his message through, and sometimes he evens chooses to use me.
This knowing when to speak and when to be silent feels like this journey of calling that I have recently been living. Presumption results when I move on my own. Influencing counsel occurs when I am resting into You, Lord. It is Your subtle movements, Your soft words, the gentle nudge of Your touch that guide me best in my own walk and in helping others. This habit of presuming I know what is best in a given circumstance for a given person, or presuming I know the best path for achieving the desired outcome, is rooted in my own self-centeredness.
Jesus, keep me out of the way with my gaze fixed on You thereby available as an unhindering conduit for Your influence in the lives of others.
Perhaps this is my bias toward our methodology, but it seems that the Church or agency or anyone can only presume to know the needs of a person. If programming is not individualized, how can we expect to be as effective as needed or as God has equipped us to be in the care of people.
Although this is my bias toward individualization of care, I daily struggle to release what I think is best for another person based on my experience or knowledge as a physician (or mentor or spiritual director). My contributions are possible, and sometimes even helpful, when I operate from this habit. However, if I desire the best for others and not just good or better then I need to continue to learn to offer my help, advice, and counsel humbly remembering that the person I am attempting to minister to can hear from God for their own needs better than I will ever be able to.
Likewise, I need to remember that God is God and I am not. He is more than capable to get his message through, and sometimes he evens chooses to use me.
This knowing when to speak and when to be silent feels like this journey of calling that I have recently been living. Presumption results when I move on my own. Influencing counsel occurs when I am resting into You, Lord. It is Your subtle movements, Your soft words, the gentle nudge of Your touch that guide me best in my own walk and in helping others. This habit of presuming I know what is best in a given circumstance for a given person, or presuming I know the best path for achieving the desired outcome, is rooted in my own self-centeredness.
Jesus, keep me out of the way with my gaze fixed on You thereby available as an unhindering conduit for Your influence in the lives of others.
August 15, 2010
Willing to ask; willing to wait (51/100)
Wow! More than halfway through these days already!!
Presenting my proposal for advocacy work in promoting holistic care of cross-cultural workers today for my cohort and professor was sufficient to cause me to pause in amazement of God's gracious provision. Sharing with them the work you have done over the last year was totally cool! A name, mission and vision statements, details of programming plans, my growing passion for advocating and serving the greater work of reaching this world with the Gospel by equipping those caring for the worker on the frontlines.
Then on top of this today You demonstrated that You are working to create connections that I could have never imagined. It appears that through my professor's church there may be an opportunity to implement our concepts of care for their short-term teams.
My desire to give myself fully to this work contiues to grow.
The hindrances (primarily fiscal) that keep me from this tear at my heart. Am I willing to ask here also? Lord, would You set me free? Is this too much to ask? Am I asking too soon? Can I trust You that it is okay to ask? Can I trust You to answer?
O, Lord, You know my desires for You have placed them there. Show me how to hold these with open hands trusting Your ways. Cause me to rest into You in the waiting.
Presenting my proposal for advocacy work in promoting holistic care of cross-cultural workers today for my cohort and professor was sufficient to cause me to pause in amazement of God's gracious provision. Sharing with them the work you have done over the last year was totally cool! A name, mission and vision statements, details of programming plans, my growing passion for advocating and serving the greater work of reaching this world with the Gospel by equipping those caring for the worker on the frontlines.
Then on top of this today You demonstrated that You are working to create connections that I could have never imagined. It appears that through my professor's church there may be an opportunity to implement our concepts of care for their short-term teams.
My desire to give myself fully to this work contiues to grow.
The hindrances (primarily fiscal) that keep me from this tear at my heart. Am I willing to ask here also? Lord, would You set me free? Is this too much to ask? Am I asking too soon? Can I trust You that it is okay to ask? Can I trust You to answer?
O, Lord, You know my desires for You have placed them there. Show me how to hold these with open hands trusting Your ways. Cause me to rest into You in the waiting.
August 14, 2010
Asking (50/100)
Being led lately to ask, trust, and see what God does. So, yesterday when faced with the assignment for my new class (Advocacy and Human Rights), I decided to ask the seemingly impossible. "Lord, could you work it out for me to do something for this advocacy policy development assignment that fits with what we are doing for this ministry?"
Then in trust, I asked my professor, and today, he said that he clearly sees how my concern for cross-cultural workers represents advocacy for an under-represented group, and certainly fits the parameters of the assignment.
Huh? How about that? The class that seemed to fit the least with what you have called me to in this program has been made to fit.
It's really not that hard. You say you tell me to ask. I ask. You answer. I live into what you have planned for me.
Lord, continue to give me the grace to trust, to follow your lead knowing that you have planned the way before me.
Then in trust, I asked my professor, and today, he said that he clearly sees how my concern for cross-cultural workers represents advocacy for an under-represented group, and certainly fits the parameters of the assignment.
Huh? How about that? The class that seemed to fit the least with what you have called me to in this program has been made to fit.
It's really not that hard. You say you tell me to ask. I ask. You answer. I live into what you have planned for me.
Lord, continue to give me the grace to trust, to follow your lead knowing that you have planned the way before me.
August 13, 2010
Engaging the common (49/100)
Sometimes I have to just do the ordinary stuff, and that is what today has been in this journey. Making such recent progress and ready to expand on the themes developed in these areas makes it hard to divert my attention to the more routine tasks. Necessity today forced this to happen.
Frustration at such basic things reminded me of the lessons from yesterday. I soon found myself grateful for the time and provision of the appropriate and working equipment to handle such routine things. I was also reminded that it is being faithful in these small, basic things that keep us moving toward the goal.
Steady, step-by-step movement is really all that is required at this point in this ministry, and in the larger work God is doing in me to transform me into his image. There are days obviously in this, like yesterday, where I wonder if I am moving at all since the progress is so incremental. The issue is not what I see, but the fact that You are doing a work and from your perspective everything is progressing on schedule. Hold me close during these times, Jesus, continuing in responsive awareness of you.
Frustration at such basic things reminded me of the lessons from yesterday. I soon found myself grateful for the time and provision of the appropriate and working equipment to handle such routine things. I was also reminded that it is being faithful in these small, basic things that keep us moving toward the goal.
Steady, step-by-step movement is really all that is required at this point in this ministry, and in the larger work God is doing in me to transform me into his image. There are days obviously in this, like yesterday, where I wonder if I am moving at all since the progress is so incremental. The issue is not what I see, but the fact that You are doing a work and from your perspective everything is progressing on schedule. Hold me close during these times, Jesus, continuing in responsive awareness of you.
August 12, 2010
Learning to ask (48/100)
Anger. Violence. A fist pounding into the desk in front of me. . . . my fist. So, much frustration over a computer not working, AGAIN! I'm just trying to get done at work so I can do the stuff that really matters. And over and again stuff doesn't work. But this is not how it should be. I am not how I should be.
Again and again you have been speaking to me to pray. And again, I don't. Why?
Considering this on my 2-hour drive to Philly for my class today. Reminded that you want me to ask, to ask you, to ask you specifically. I couldn't remember the place I'm going to in order to Mapquest it. Silly as it is this comes to mind, and so I take you at your word,. I pray, and immediately the name is in my mind. Simple prayers like this have been scattered through this week, each with a specific answer. Yet, when I should have most been praying, it never crossed my mind to even go there. Lord, change me. Prompt me to pray for your help and intervention at the first sign of frustration, before I explode.
For this ministry, increasingly, I sense the need to pray. And so, as I consider this on my drive, I ask myself, "Why don't I?" When I do pray, my prayers tend to be general, not at all specific; again, why?
Trying to spend part of the time praying for this developing ministry, I found it difficult to be specific. Eventually, I asked Jesus to tell me what to pray for. And He answered:
"Where does this hesitancy come from; you know what you need, what you want? Deb, ask. Why are you afraid to ask, Me?"
"Lord, what if I'm wrong and ask for the wrong thing?"
"Can you not trust Me to handle that?"
"But then how do I pray expectantly with faith if I am doubting that what I am praying for is right?"
"Don't doubt, trust, and pray. Know that what I am putting on your heart is right and true. Ask. Remember James 4:2, 'You do not have because you do not ask.' and Matthew 7:7, 'Ask, and it will be given to you.' Don't let fear stop you. I want to give you your requests. Trust Me to answer specifically, rightly. Lay it all before Me. Be specific. Know that I hear and am waiting in anticipation, in giddy expectancy to answer you. I want to show Myself strong and real in and through you and in all you dream of."
"Wow! You really want me to ask like that? You're waiting for me to ask already with everything in place to answer? O, how extravagant is Your love for me. How can I not give You the chance to be You? How can I not ask? And so, Lord, give me . . . .
Again and again you have been speaking to me to pray. And again, I don't. Why?
Considering this on my 2-hour drive to Philly for my class today. Reminded that you want me to ask, to ask you, to ask you specifically. I couldn't remember the place I'm going to in order to Mapquest it. Silly as it is this comes to mind, and so I take you at your word,. I pray, and immediately the name is in my mind. Simple prayers like this have been scattered through this week, each with a specific answer. Yet, when I should have most been praying, it never crossed my mind to even go there. Lord, change me. Prompt me to pray for your help and intervention at the first sign of frustration, before I explode.
For this ministry, increasingly, I sense the need to pray. And so, as I consider this on my drive, I ask myself, "Why don't I?" When I do pray, my prayers tend to be general, not at all specific; again, why?
Trying to spend part of the time praying for this developing ministry, I found it difficult to be specific. Eventually, I asked Jesus to tell me what to pray for. And He answered:
"Where does this hesitancy come from; you know what you need, what you want? Deb, ask. Why are you afraid to ask, Me?"
"Lord, what if I'm wrong and ask for the wrong thing?"
"Can you not trust Me to handle that?"
"But then how do I pray expectantly with faith if I am doubting that what I am praying for is right?"
"Don't doubt, trust, and pray. Know that what I am putting on your heart is right and true. Ask. Remember James 4:2, 'You do not have because you do not ask.' and Matthew 7:7, 'Ask, and it will be given to you.' Don't let fear stop you. I want to give you your requests. Trust Me to answer specifically, rightly. Lay it all before Me. Be specific. Know that I hear and am waiting in anticipation, in giddy expectancy to answer you. I want to show Myself strong and real in and through you and in all you dream of."
"Wow! You really want me to ask like that? You're waiting for me to ask already with everything in place to answer? O, how extravagant is Your love for me. How can I not give You the chance to be You? How can I not ask? And so, Lord, give me . . . .
August 11, 2010
Rest, peace, love (47/100)
Beginning this day holding these same things in open hands -- holding not releasing nor grasping -- Rest and peace.
Your love for me reaches further than I can imagine and without wavering. I can depend on you -- your goodness is without shadow and is extended graciously to me. You are my protector from all harm. You take pleasure in me and give me good things, all good things. You are the source, my source of all of life and illumination. I know you will not cease to love me. -- Psalm 36:5-10
A holy indifference that is freeing of mind and emotions resulting in steady progress in this journey, in programming development for Resilience, and in the completion of my class assignments (a day before they're due, for the first time in more than 14 months of this program).
When you think your life is shattered
And there's no way to be fixed again
Love heals your heart
At a time you least expected
You're alive like you have never been
Love heals your heart
"Love heals your heart" -- Third day
http://www.google.com/search?q=love+heals+your+heart&rls=com.microsoft:en-us:IE-SearchBox&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&sourceid=ie7&rlz=1I7GGLL_en
Your love for me reaches further than I can imagine and without wavering. I can depend on you -- your goodness is without shadow and is extended graciously to me. You are my protector from all harm. You take pleasure in me and give me good things, all good things. You are the source, my source of all of life and illumination. I know you will not cease to love me. -- Psalm 36:5-10
A holy indifference that is freeing of mind and emotions resulting in steady progress in this journey, in programming development for Resilience, and in the completion of my class assignments (a day before they're due, for the first time in more than 14 months of this program).
When you think your life is shattered
And there's no way to be fixed again
Love heals your heart
At a time you least expected
You're alive like you have never been
Love heals your heart
"Love heals your heart" -- Third day
http://www.google.com/search?q=love+heals+your+heart&rls=com.microsoft:en-us:IE-SearchBox&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&sourceid=ie7&rlz=1I7GGLL_en
August 10, 2010
Contrasting ways of indifference (46/100)
A breakthrough today in organizational and ministry development for Resilience:
Out of my desire to focus on being rather than doing and to maintain an integral approach while staying aware of the sub-themes of wholeness, the programming for the care of short-term cross-cultural workers came together. But in this, knowing that I cannot give myself fully to this work, I found frustration and impatience. Thus, progress from an idea to reality is contrasted with my continuing need to grow in trust, to wait with patience, to hold the timing of this in an open hand without grasping onto my own expectations.
Difficulty in preparation for my next class as the deadlines for the papers and presentation are now within two days:
Fatigue, dullness of mind, and lack of understanding the assignments have combined today to create anxiety and apathy. A paralyzing combination that brought to mind the lesson from two days ago of pausing to pray. As I did so, I sensed God saying to me:
I want you to hold this, too, in an open hand. In the same way you cannot grasp the ministry I have given you and force it to come sooner; you cannot release this program, class, or assignments, and make them go away sooner. I have placed this in your hand to hold in this time for reasons that are good. I am present with you in this, trust me here, too. Know that I am actively working; though you don't see the connections, the reasons, or the purposes I have in mind.
In both circumstances, know that my ways are not your ways, but still in both of these, I am present, active, and good.
Out of my desire to focus on being rather than doing and to maintain an integral approach while staying aware of the sub-themes of wholeness, the programming for the care of short-term cross-cultural workers came together. But in this, knowing that I cannot give myself fully to this work, I found frustration and impatience. Thus, progress from an idea to reality is contrasted with my continuing need to grow in trust, to wait with patience, to hold the timing of this in an open hand without grasping onto my own expectations.
Difficulty in preparation for my next class as the deadlines for the papers and presentation are now within two days:
Fatigue, dullness of mind, and lack of understanding the assignments have combined today to create anxiety and apathy. A paralyzing combination that brought to mind the lesson from two days ago of pausing to pray. As I did so, I sensed God saying to me:
I want you to hold this, too, in an open hand. In the same way you cannot grasp the ministry I have given you and force it to come sooner; you cannot release this program, class, or assignments, and make them go away sooner. I have placed this in your hand to hold in this time for reasons that are good. I am present with you in this, trust me here, too. Know that I am actively working; though you don't see the connections, the reasons, or the purposes I have in mind.
In both circumstances, know that my ways are not your ways, but still in both of these, I am present, active, and good.
August 9, 2010
Remaining at your pace (45/100)
Reminded today that step by step this organization will be established. Repeatedly reminded to wait rather than running ahead just for the sake of movement. Pressing into things rather than walking the path laid before me will only result in frustration.
Learning to be as I try to help others identify how they can learn to be. Not really an expert, huh? Although this is congruent with our core value of Integral wholeness -- comprehensively whole in Christ; not perfect, but perfectly broken in Jesus for His use; displaying resilience in all areas of life achieving continual relevance.
Again it is about trust and about walking into my desires. A quote of A.W. Tozer from The Pursuit of God was significant today --
Come near to the holy men and women of the past and you will soon feel the heat of their desire after God. They mourned for Him, they prayed and wrestled and sought for Him day and night, in season and out, and when they had found Him the finding was all the sweeter for the long seeking.
And then the following song set things in perspective as well.
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving into something heavenly
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly. . . . Sanctus Real
Jesus, continue your work, keep me at your side, moving at your pace, my attention fixed on you.
http://s0.ilike.com/play#Sanctus+Real:Whatever+You're+Doing+(Something+Heavenly):69045431:s26876828.9630967.3788994.0.2.38%2Cstd_5ccd595820864351b2fb70ec7c0a16d4
Learning to be as I try to help others identify how they can learn to be. Not really an expert, huh? Although this is congruent with our core value of Integral wholeness -- comprehensively whole in Christ; not perfect, but perfectly broken in Jesus for His use; displaying resilience in all areas of life achieving continual relevance.
Again it is about trust and about walking into my desires. A quote of A.W. Tozer from The Pursuit of God was significant today --
Come near to the holy men and women of the past and you will soon feel the heat of their desire after God. They mourned for Him, they prayed and wrestled and sought for Him day and night, in season and out, and when they had found Him the finding was all the sweeter for the long seeking.
And then the following song set things in perspective as well.
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving into something heavenly
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly. . . . Sanctus Real
Jesus, continue your work, keep me at your side, moving at your pace, my attention fixed on you.
http://s0.ilike.com/play#Sanctus+Real:Whatever+You're+Doing+(Something+Heavenly):69045431:s26876828.9630967.3788994.0.2.38%2Cstd_5ccd595820864351b2fb70ec7c0a16d4
August 8, 2010
Being, doing, and resilience (44/100)
As I continue to review the literature regarding member care, I find myself struggling again with the issues of doing and being.
My tendency to be performance driven flows naturally from my personality. Meeting expectations (my own and others) is a long habit, or should I say trying to meet those expectations because typically I would and could never measure up to the standard (perfection).
As I grew to understand that God accepts me regardless of my performance, I have grown to trust that it is not what I do that matters. I have learned to pursue excellence but to allow my best to be sufficient.
I have also learned that my expectations of myself, others, and circumstances can be just as crippling to my ability to function and relate to others, including God, as my drivenness for perfection used to be. This is where my journey into Ignatian Indifference has influenced me the most. I am learning to hold things in an open hand allowing God to establish my expectations in setting after setting.
As I am doing the current work to establish targets for care in the themes of holistic care, I find that I am creating lists of things that the missionary does or needs to do rather than areas of being. I see the most important thing as being not doing, and that doing ought to flow out of being.
But how does this express itself practically, particularly in this area of resilience? What does resilience in the cross-cultural worker look like? Or what are aspects of being, within each theme, make one resilient?
And more to the point on this Sabbath day, where am I still more concerned about what I do? Where in my life am I still displaying drivenness and am ruled by my own expectations of how things are to be? Where am I not resting in God's expectations and God's workmanship as expressed in me?
For we are God's [own] handiwork (His workmanship), recreated in Christ Jesus, [born anew] that we may do those good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for us [taking paths which He prepared ahead of time], that we should walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us to live]. Ephesians 2:10 (Amplified)
My tendency to be performance driven flows naturally from my personality. Meeting expectations (my own and others) is a long habit, or should I say trying to meet those expectations because typically I would and could never measure up to the standard (perfection).
As I grew to understand that God accepts me regardless of my performance, I have grown to trust that it is not what I do that matters. I have learned to pursue excellence but to allow my best to be sufficient.
I have also learned that my expectations of myself, others, and circumstances can be just as crippling to my ability to function and relate to others, including God, as my drivenness for perfection used to be. This is where my journey into Ignatian Indifference has influenced me the most. I am learning to hold things in an open hand allowing God to establish my expectations in setting after setting.
As I am doing the current work to establish targets for care in the themes of holistic care, I find that I am creating lists of things that the missionary does or needs to do rather than areas of being. I see the most important thing as being not doing, and that doing ought to flow out of being.
But how does this express itself practically, particularly in this area of resilience? What does resilience in the cross-cultural worker look like? Or what are aspects of being, within each theme, make one resilient?
And more to the point on this Sabbath day, where am I still more concerned about what I do? Where in my life am I still displaying drivenness and am ruled by my own expectations of how things are to be? Where am I not resting in God's expectations and God's workmanship as expressed in me?
For we are God's [own] handiwork (His workmanship), recreated in Christ Jesus, [born anew] that we may do those good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for us [taking paths which He prepared ahead of time], that we should walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us to live]. Ephesians 2:10 (Amplified)
August 7, 2010
Even in pieces there is movement (43/100)
On this day of the journey, it took the form of broken times of engagement.
fresh ideas
continuing clarity regarding our service to those who are working cross-culturally for the sake of the Gospel
the priority of the people we serve
death, loss, grief -- the reality that motivates
family, friends, belonging -- hints of future restoration
rest, hope, anticipation
grateful in Jesus
fresh ideas
continuing clarity regarding our service to those who are working cross-culturally for the sake of the Gospel
the priority of the people we serve
death, loss, grief -- the reality that motivates
family, friends, belonging -- hints of future restoration
rest, hope, anticipation
grateful in Jesus
August 6, 2010
An equation of influence (42/100)
Driving home today, the thought crossed my mind as I was passing a Rutter's, "I should just pull in here, grab a movie, and relax tonight." Perfectly appropriate thoughts after a long week and a 12-hour work day. The words of a friend came to mind from this week as he shared how when he gets home, he just wants to chill in front of the TV.
Perhaps this is what I will do in a few months when this journey is completed, but not this day. This is where I am, this is what I need to be doing. If I let it go now, I know I will miss something good.
Arriving home, after a meal that renewed my energy and clarity of thought, I sat down in front of my computer to continue processing some of the previous research I had found during my recent class. Although sufficient for the class, synthesizing the information into a usable form for us still needed to be done. Much to my amazement before I knew it, two-and-half hours had passed.
My friend asked me how I do it (not even knowing about my current journey). At the time, I didn't have an answer. Maybe I do now. A knowledge of God and of what He has made me for coupled with intentionality yields responsive actions to God's promptings. Another way to look at this is:
God is Good + God has made me for His purposes + intentionality = responsive choices + empowered actions
Perhaps this is what I will do in a few months when this journey is completed, but not this day. This is where I am, this is what I need to be doing. If I let it go now, I know I will miss something good.
Arriving home, after a meal that renewed my energy and clarity of thought, I sat down in front of my computer to continue processing some of the previous research I had found during my recent class. Although sufficient for the class, synthesizing the information into a usable form for us still needed to be done. Much to my amazement before I knew it, two-and-half hours had passed.
My friend asked me how I do it (not even knowing about my current journey). At the time, I didn't have an answer. Maybe I do now. A knowledge of God and of what He has made me for coupled with intentionality yields responsive actions to God's promptings. Another way to look at this is:
God is Good + God has made me for His purposes + intentionality = responsive choices + empowered actions
August 5, 2010
Priority moments (41/100)
I heard a radio spot in the last few days that suggested frustrated, overwhelmed parents leave the chores and evening dishes to instead spend some time with their kids, investing in what really matters. The story prompted me to remember how frustrated I get trying to get everything done so I can invest in the things I care about. Actually, frustrated is an understatement because typically when I'm in this mode something doesn't work, or the Internet or my computer crashes, or . . . lots of not so spiritually transformed parts of my life reveal themselves.
What if I do more than I have done to this point to designate time each day for this journey, more than just scheduling the time in my BB calendar? What if I place this investment first in priority rather than after everything else is done? Practically speaking though, how will this work?
Looking at my typical work days this means getting up at 2:30 in order to engage my ultimate priority (relational investment with God) and then spend the planned two hours before being at work at 6:30. Not really feasible. So, until God grants me the freedom to do what I'm made for while generating an income, there must be a better way.
Perhaps the issue is prioritizing the incremental slices of time in each day. Choosing to invest the 30 minutes here and the 45 minutes there when it would seem easier and more efficient to work on the small doable projects on my list.
This feels like another aspect to being intentional where I look for the smaller opportunities to invest and not just the larger chunks. I hope that one day I will have more space in my schedule or that I will learn to create the needed space. However, as I was told a few days ago, there will never be enough time to do everything.
Lord, give me discernment in the moments of my days to choose to invest first in that which matters most to you and then to trust you (same theme) with the rest.
What if I do more than I have done to this point to designate time each day for this journey, more than just scheduling the time in my BB calendar? What if I place this investment first in priority rather than after everything else is done? Practically speaking though, how will this work?
Looking at my typical work days this means getting up at 2:30 in order to engage my ultimate priority (relational investment with God) and then spend the planned two hours before being at work at 6:30. Not really feasible. So, until God grants me the freedom to do what I'm made for while generating an income, there must be a better way.
Perhaps the issue is prioritizing the incremental slices of time in each day. Choosing to invest the 30 minutes here and the 45 minutes there when it would seem easier and more efficient to work on the small doable projects on my list.
This feels like another aspect to being intentional where I look for the smaller opportunities to invest and not just the larger chunks. I hope that one day I will have more space in my schedule or that I will learn to create the needed space. However, as I was told a few days ago, there will never be enough time to do everything.
Lord, give me discernment in the moments of my days to choose to invest first in that which matters most to you and then to trust you (same theme) with the rest.
August 4, 2010
Reminders from the past (40/100)
There have been plenty of times in the past where I have felt like I was blazing a trail ahead of Jesus until I was so entangled in all of the briers and underbrush that he had to come rescue me to get me back on the path he was cutting. There were other times when I was lagging so far behind that he kept looking back to see if I was still following and at times having to retrace his steps to bring me along the way. In both instances, he gave me what I needed to learn to trust him such that today I sense that I am walking with him.
The process to get me to this place most recently was influenced through a Shalem retreat where they were introducing their spiritual directors program. One of the women leading the processes they were modeling that day made a statement characterizing Jesus that settled deep into my soul like an acorn of a mighty oak tree planted deep in the soil, growing to influence not only my relationship with him but also how I view everything about him and even how I share him with those I influence. This was more than four years ago.
She stated that God is "present, active, and good." There is little else I remember from that day than those words.
This statement added perspective to the journey I had experienced the year prior to that day. That journey brought me from a love that was distant to an intimacy I never thought possible. I came to experience the goodness of God demonstrated even through the struggles and traumas of my past. The year-and-a-half following that retreat, demonstrated that God's presence takes many forms eventually leading me into a place often referred to as a dark night of the soul. In that place where senses became useless and the darkness so intense I was left without the ability to even move, my type-A personality was left with no other option than to be still, and to become quiet, until I could hear nothing but my own breathing in the intensity of the darkness. I could not see God or sense his presence in any respect, yet there was a deep knowing that he was there with me although everything spoke of his absence. In those days, the above statement carried me, actually cradled me as it became the only centering prayer that I could find solace in.
I mention these experiences, because today I am in a season of God's manifest activity. Because of these prior experiences, I have learned to rest into the feel of Jesus as we move. At times the pace is steady and comfortable, but ever moving onward. At other times, our pace would seem to make me panic at the speed were I to recognize it, but the fact is that I am quite oblivious to this. All I see is the next footfall, all I sense is his touch, my Jesus, my Lover-God, the One who is always present, always active, and always good.
The process to get me to this place most recently was influenced through a Shalem retreat where they were introducing their spiritual directors program. One of the women leading the processes they were modeling that day made a statement characterizing Jesus that settled deep into my soul like an acorn of a mighty oak tree planted deep in the soil, growing to influence not only my relationship with him but also how I view everything about him and even how I share him with those I influence. This was more than four years ago.
She stated that God is "present, active, and good." There is little else I remember from that day than those words.
This statement added perspective to the journey I had experienced the year prior to that day. That journey brought me from a love that was distant to an intimacy I never thought possible. I came to experience the goodness of God demonstrated even through the struggles and traumas of my past. The year-and-a-half following that retreat, demonstrated that God's presence takes many forms eventually leading me into a place often referred to as a dark night of the soul. In that place where senses became useless and the darkness so intense I was left without the ability to even move, my type-A personality was left with no other option than to be still, and to become quiet, until I could hear nothing but my own breathing in the intensity of the darkness. I could not see God or sense his presence in any respect, yet there was a deep knowing that he was there with me although everything spoke of his absence. In those days, the above statement carried me, actually cradled me as it became the only centering prayer that I could find solace in.
I mention these experiences, because today I am in a season of God's manifest activity. Because of these prior experiences, I have learned to rest into the feel of Jesus as we move. At times the pace is steady and comfortable, but ever moving onward. At other times, our pace would seem to make me panic at the speed were I to recognize it, but the fact is that I am quite oblivious to this. All I see is the next footfall, all I sense is his touch, my Jesus, my Lover-God, the One who is always present, always active, and always good.
August 3, 2010
God's ongoing work (39/100)
Began reading again: Ministering Cross-Culturally: An incarnational model for personal relationship by Ligenfelter and Mayers.Coming back to books the way I have been doing lately makes the transformational changes in my life more evident.
The authors describe cross-cultural ministry as "any ministry in which one interacts with people who have grown up learning values and lifestyle patterns that are different from one's own." They go onto explain different aspects of culture and how we each become unique cultural beings. As ministers in a cross-cultural setting we need to do what Jesus did and be incarnational (i.e., displaying a willingness to begin to learn as if we are helpless children). They propose that this begins by recognizing our own cultural context (biases). They provide an assessment for determining this that gives an approximate representation of the motivations behind an individual's actions within his or her culture. The results are presented as contrasting traits with concurrent forces pulling in different but not necessarily opposite directions.
The traits presented are:
These thoughts cause me to pause and realize how as God is continually at work transforming me into the image of Christ; he is also in the process of developing and refining the expression of that transformation .
For now, this expression occurs in the context of one who is strongly person oriented, emphatically non-crisis oriented, absolutely willing to expose vulnerability, and completely holistic in thinking. This one however lives daily in the tension of status focus versus achievement focus while struggling also with the priority of time versus event. I'm sure none of these are surprises to my friends, but to me the strong presence of my dominate traits knowing the way I used to function serves as testimony to God's continuing grace at work in my life for this is how he has made me to be. (As I type this I realize to my dismay my bias.)
This internal check reminds me, however, that is not how he has made everyone. My reflexive response of viewing person orientation, vulnerability, and holistic thinking as THE way to be reveals my biases. The traits are neither good nor bad, they just are.The person who is task oriented, dichotomistic, and concealing by nature who is pursuing Jesus and expressing who he has made them to be is equally displaying God's glory and grace. It's just harder for me to see this through my own cultural lenses, but by God's grace and continuing work I will grow in this as well, displaying love to my brothers and sisters who operate from these differing traits.
The authors describe cross-cultural ministry as "any ministry in which one interacts with people who have grown up learning values and lifestyle patterns that are different from one's own." They go onto explain different aspects of culture and how we each become unique cultural beings. As ministers in a cross-cultural setting we need to do what Jesus did and be incarnational (i.e., displaying a willingness to begin to learn as if we are helpless children). They propose that this begins by recognizing our own cultural context (biases). They provide an assessment for determining this that gives an approximate representation of the motivations behind an individual's actions within his or her culture. The results are presented as contrasting traits with concurrent forces pulling in different but not necessarily opposite directions.
The traits presented are:
- time orientation versus event orientation
- task orientation versus person orientation
- dichotomistic thinking versus holistic thinking
- status focus versus achievement focus
- crisis orientation versus non-crisis orientation
- concealment of vulnerability versus willingness to expose vulnerability
These thoughts cause me to pause and realize how as God is continually at work transforming me into the image of Christ; he is also in the process of developing and refining the expression of that transformation .
For now, this expression occurs in the context of one who is strongly person oriented, emphatically non-crisis oriented, absolutely willing to expose vulnerability, and completely holistic in thinking. This one however lives daily in the tension of status focus versus achievement focus while struggling also with the priority of time versus event. I'm sure none of these are surprises to my friends, but to me the strong presence of my dominate traits knowing the way I used to function serves as testimony to God's continuing grace at work in my life for this is how he has made me to be. (As I type this I realize to my dismay my bias.)
This internal check reminds me, however, that is not how he has made everyone. My reflexive response of viewing person orientation, vulnerability, and holistic thinking as THE way to be reveals my biases. The traits are neither good nor bad, they just are.The person who is task oriented, dichotomistic, and concealing by nature who is pursuing Jesus and expressing who he has made them to be is equally displaying God's glory and grace. It's just harder for me to see this through my own cultural lenses, but by God's grace and continuing work I will grow in this as well, displaying love to my brothers and sisters who operate from these differing traits.
August 2, 2010
On going lessons (38/100)
Reminded that this was never meant to be a 100-day journey of exhaustion -- this is to be an opportunity to choose better and plan better and to be reasonable with my expectations of life -- I think?
O, God, teach me how to live into my calling but still get everything done without killing myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually!
"Deb, you won't. You won't get it all done -- ever."
This is about choices; yes, that is true.
This ministry and my own spiritual formation are Your works that are to be done Your way in your timing unto Your greater purposes. Again, my level of fatigue is directly proportional to my lack of trust. O, Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.
O, God, teach me how to live into my calling but still get everything done without killing myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually!
"Deb, you won't. You won't get it all done -- ever."
This is about choices; yes, that is true.
- choosing best over good and better
- choosing to start my days and planning my schedule with this expressed focus of calling (and all that means) in view
- choosing to release the things that I am not to be doing
- choosing to keep, but in proper order, those things that are mine to do
This ministry and my own spiritual formation are Your works that are to be done Your way in your timing unto Your greater purposes. Again, my level of fatigue is directly proportional to my lack of trust. O, Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.
August 1, 2010
Sharing the journey (37/100)
When is it right to share with others when God is leading you into something like this journey?
At the begining, I knew that I could not do this without prayer support. So, no matter how foolish my plans appeared or self-seeking my request, I shared with a friend. I had intended on telling other key people in my world, but the opportunity never presented itself (or so it seemed). I didn't need nor did I want a cheering team to keep me in this. Either I was going to puruse this journey because I was called into a deeper walk with Jesus along this path or not. And if so, then that was enough.
Later, I found it difficult to know how to share or even attempt to explain what I'm doing, much less why. Conversations with a friend who has her own struggle with asking for support (especially financial support) for the work God has called her to live has prompted me to consider my own silence. Why have I kept quiet?
More than ever, I need prayer to hold me, to keep me attentive to Your voice, to discern the path for our organization, to choose wisely each day. Should I not ask those who know me to pray for me and just trust that explanations if needed will make sense.
Is my silence because I don't want to appear prideful or self-centered? Or is it fear that others will perceive me in this way?
Or do I just not trust You enough?
Over these last 36 days as I have sensed a prompting from you to share about this journey and this blog, the responses remind me of being a spiritual director. In direction at times I am prompted to share something. When I share, and it is truly me responding to Your voice, the words have influence either then or later with the directee. When the words are not of You but of me, they roll off the directee as if I never spoke them. Similarly, when I have shared about this journey and blog, some have connected with my heart in this and are continuing to engage along the way. For others, it is as if I never mentioned it. I find rest in the direction setting with the way this goes, can I not here also and therefore speak?
I think this issue has deeper implications, for in the equivalent setting of asking others to join with us in living out this vision for Resilience, can I do the same? Can I offer them the opportunity to join us in financial ways, in prayer, or in volunteering and trust You to guide them to engage with us as You lead? Will I trust them to hear Your voice and respond, or will I cheat them of the opportunity to join You in Your work by keeping silent?
You reminded me today through Pastor Brian's message that this is a journey of intention unto my chief end -- knowing You and living out the expression of You in my life in service to others. This was never meant to be a journey in isolation but in community congruent with my/our roles as image bearers in this world.
By Your grace, growing in trust, I will speak.
At the begining, I knew that I could not do this without prayer support. So, no matter how foolish my plans appeared or self-seeking my request, I shared with a friend. I had intended on telling other key people in my world, but the opportunity never presented itself (or so it seemed). I didn't need nor did I want a cheering team to keep me in this. Either I was going to puruse this journey because I was called into a deeper walk with Jesus along this path or not. And if so, then that was enough.
Later, I found it difficult to know how to share or even attempt to explain what I'm doing, much less why. Conversations with a friend who has her own struggle with asking for support (especially financial support) for the work God has called her to live has prompted me to consider my own silence. Why have I kept quiet?
More than ever, I need prayer to hold me, to keep me attentive to Your voice, to discern the path for our organization, to choose wisely each day. Should I not ask those who know me to pray for me and just trust that explanations if needed will make sense.
Is my silence because I don't want to appear prideful or self-centered? Or is it fear that others will perceive me in this way?
Or do I just not trust You enough?
Over these last 36 days as I have sensed a prompting from you to share about this journey and this blog, the responses remind me of being a spiritual director. In direction at times I am prompted to share something. When I share, and it is truly me responding to Your voice, the words have influence either then or later with the directee. When the words are not of You but of me, they roll off the directee as if I never spoke them. Similarly, when I have shared about this journey and blog, some have connected with my heart in this and are continuing to engage along the way. For others, it is as if I never mentioned it. I find rest in the direction setting with the way this goes, can I not here also and therefore speak?
I think this issue has deeper implications, for in the equivalent setting of asking others to join with us in living out this vision for Resilience, can I do the same? Can I offer them the opportunity to join us in financial ways, in prayer, or in volunteering and trust You to guide them to engage with us as You lead? Will I trust them to hear Your voice and respond, or will I cheat them of the opportunity to join You in Your work by keeping silent?
You reminded me today through Pastor Brian's message that this is a journey of intention unto my chief end -- knowing You and living out the expression of You in my life in service to others. This was never meant to be a journey in isolation but in community congruent with my/our roles as image bearers in this world.
By Your grace, growing in trust, I will speak.
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