October 11, 2010

When longing becomes impatience, doubt is unveiled

Longing: To have an earnest, heartfelt desire, especially for something beyond reach.

The intensity of desire to give myself freely to this work is at least as strong as before my 100-day experience. This is not something I can let go of because it has me rather than me having it. I am compelled onward to engage this work though I do not seem to be able to find the time to get the rest of life done.

Yet, I sensed a growing fear today that choices of the remote and near past will keep me from ever living this work, this calling, this ministry except as a part-time effort. Feeling desperate to make this happen, to be free to give myself full-time to the work, my lack of trust surfaced.

A call to be here in this time, to be quieted by Your presence, to hear Your voice that has not ceased to whisper in my ear Your truths since the conclusion of the 100-days.

"Deb, you need to settle back into Me, rest into Me. I've got this handled. Do what I have for you in this moment, in this day. Engage the incremental steps, use the time I provide, the bits and pieces as they happen. Do the routine, the mundane, the common things that need to be done to prepare for the next steps, I have for you."

It all has its place, its purpose, its need in the bigger, larger and influencing work that God is doing. Even cleaning and bringing order to my surroundings has a place in His ongoing work. And so, I will trust Him as I give myself to this "lesser" work while He continues to hold the "larger."

October 9, 2010

In awe

Rob Bell in the third chapter of Velvet Elvis begins by describing times of being in awe of God. As I read his stories, the emotion overwhelmed me as only happens when the connection of a lived experience links you with an author.

Awe, when words fail --
  • the day I crossed the line of faith, when all the world changed, even the colors in the world became brighter, more visivd, more real
  • the day I graduated from medical school, I couldn't stop smiling even as I went to sleep that night
  • the time I tangibly felt the touch of God and His unbounded love for me
  • the morning of unexpected revelation when God placed that pivotal piece in the puzzle of my life that allowed me to see His artistry He had constructed to lead me to His life's work for me
Awe, not something you live in (tho' it seems like it would be cool to do so). It's the unexpected, one of those thin places where the glory on the other side leaks through.

Take the time to consider your own experiences of awe. Experience them again, see them afresh, be renewed by the gift of glory in the unexpected.

October 5, 2010

Rest, recover, and enjoy

During the last days of my 100-day journey, two things of significance occurred. First, on the 1st of October, our nonprofit, Partners in Resilience, was incorporated. This idea of enhancing the care provided to cross-cultural workers was born. Although hidden, taking shape in many tangible ways, much in the same way that a baby is formed hidden in the womb, this organization is now visible to everyone. There will be many areas of continuing growth, development, missteps, and falls until it reaches maturity, but it is (we are) officially on our way.

The second thing that occurred was a shift in me. The structure of these days was coming to an end, and yet, I did not see where God was leading me next, and this led to uncertainty and an unexpected feeling of being  distant from God. There was also a fear that the significance of these days would be forgotten. However, strangely, both issues were overshadowed with an unexplained Presence of love.

In this, the lessons of these days came back, namely, that of asking with expectancy God for my most basic needs and asking others for their involvement. In these askings, I heard God's voice whisper, "I'm still here."

With the help of a friend, I have come to see God's new invitation to rest, recover, and enjoy the gifts He has given me through this journey. To rest means this organization that has just been "birthed" needs to be placed into Your hands, Lord, to hold and to care for. To rest is not a laying down and walking away, but a trusting You to continue the work without my own effort for now.

To enjoy the gifts given takes two forms. First, this is taking the time to look at the organization noticing all that there was vision for, all that now exists, all of the nuances and characteristics that are present, and celebrate them. Secondly, this is to look at me and Our relationship noticing how these will never be the same again as a result of the journey of these days. With gratitude and awe, I now see that what these were before doesn't even compare to what they are now -- the depth of intimacy, trust, and love -- the reality of Your voice, touch, and presence.

To recover is to acknowledge the price (physical, emotional, and relational) that has been paid during this time of intensity. Previously, I had a tendency toward drivenness which sprung from many sources. Other than at the beginning, this journey has not functioned out of that but rather out of a resting dependency on Jesus. This was a journey that I could not engage on my own but could only be completed as He did the work through me. The experience was not easy, for at times it meant at the end of a long day my day was not over, but during these times to not continue became unthinkable because I didn't want to miss out on what Jesus was doing in and through me. Committing the time to Him and engaging in the process in whatever form it took for that day was lived, not out of my own strength, but in His Spirit empowering me.

To heed Your call to spend time with You apart from the work of the organization is to find rest, recovery and celebration. The ending of this journey has only intensified my longing for You, and therefore, the previous fear has dissipated as promised (1 John 4:18).

October 3, 2010

Concluding, yet somehow continuing (100/100)

Repeatedly during the presentations by Dr. John Townsend at the Sandy Cove Singles Retreat this weekend, I have been encouraged to see his recommendations for doing life well as present in my own life, my development, and this ministry's development. Such affirmation juxtapositioned with the emotions of these days has been helpful.

This concluding day feels no different in expression than the previous 50. It is strange what has become routine. There is an unexpected sadness, however, present in this ending.

There is no staying in this place. Though I do not see the place for my foot as a next step, or at least do not see it clearly, staying here is not an option. I am trusting that reflection and rest are to be part of my next steps. 

Jesus, cause me to know You are still here. You have not changed in character nor action, and therefore, You are still present, active, and good.

October 2, 2010

Confusing shift of emotion (99/100)

Caught off guard today by a sense of fear that I will miss the significance of these previous days.  It was a disconcerting moment filled with longing and the presence of Your love in the midst of the morning's song service. A confusing swirl of emotion. O, God, don't let me miss or forget all You have done.

October 1, 2010

Next steps? (98/100)

My days of intentional movement toward calling will soon require a transition. But I can’t imagine just going back to the way I was doing life before this journey. Although I can’t fully express all that has changed, I am not the same; I will never be the same.

Do I really see all that has occurred during these days? There are the outward and inward things, but things have gone at such a pace that time to process hasn't been part of the process.

What do the next days look like? I never considered this before. I just figured that when the time was completed, the next steps would be clear. Not so much.

I’m feeling like I’ve been walking on a series of stones crossing a large body of deep, dark water. The pace has become routine, not easy, but routine. Step. Step. Step. The stride has varied at times. Short steps here. Long steps there. But I feel like now as I go to take the next step with my weight shifting to plant my foot on the next stone, I suddenly notice that there is nothing there and I struggle to re-orient my weight so I don’t fall. Where’s the stone?! Wasn’t it there? Have I been lulled into a routine that in the habit of it I missed something? Did I somehow go the wrong way although there never seemed to be a choice in each step?

No more stones means staying where I am until the next one surfaces, right? I’ve been here before, but I just didn’t see this coming. (Or because this is only day 98, I need to stop being so impatient and let this be okay. Certainly been impatient before, wanting information prior to God feeling the need to reveal it.)

I feel like I’ve come back from a mission trip and need the chance to de-brief, a slow incremental de-brief to understand where I’ve been, how the journey has impacted me, how it has influenced my future, and a chance to re-orient myself to the shift in terrain.

Lord, guide me as I am here with You in this place, in this time.