One of the values of the discipline of spiritual direction is the opportunity it affords to pause and reflect on the work of God since the last session. For various reasons, the last time before today that I had the privilege of meeting with my director was almost two months ago. When reviewing my journal entries in the interim I noticed the following:
5/30 ~ Rob Tucker spoke on "Dangerous Opportunities" => As he spoke I wondered, are we willing to move toward pain, toward struggle, even choose these? My response to this is that it depends. If I know that the struggle will make me stronger, will transform me, then will I choose it? Is this not what Jesus has promised me? He will work all things to the good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. So, again, it is a matter of trust. Will I trust You enough to move toward, even choose and make room for pain and struggle? And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit. -- Romans 5:5 This is all about my love relationship with God. Am I willing to lean into the struggle rather than push it away?
(Later that day) . . . I heard you say even more clearly, "Trust Me. These days will be hard and you will not understand, but trust Me."
6/3 ~ Don't rush. Wait. Wait for Me. Wait for My timing. Trust Me.
6/4 ~ Reminded of the life of Jeremiah and Your call of him to embrace and move toward struggle and suffering.
6/7 ~ I know that I cannot do any of this work on my own -- but do I want to? My need, my dependency should also be a choice not only born out of desperation and powerlessness but also out of confidence, strength, and power that chooses helplessness, weakness, and dependency -- but why choose this? For the sake of relationship, for the sake of avoiding error, out of my recognition of my lack and inability to see clearly. Lord, help me to choose dependency when things are going well and not just when circumstances push me to in desperation cry out for your help.
6/17 ~ It comes back again and again. Trust Me. Just wait and trust Me. Live today awake, aware, but for the moment today this is where you need to be. I know what you long for, but for now be here. Don't miss now. Deb, see Me in today.
6/18 ~ at Encounter => Gal 5:25, Matt. 11:28-30 => This is my desire, to live the unforced rhythms of grace, to live freely and lightly. Is there any way this is truly possible?? Will it always be "one day"? Can it not be now? How am I keeping this from being in my life or is there nothing more I can do? => Trust Me. Wait.
Within the hour I was having that pivotal conversation with Melody Hogan that would lead to this journey.
Now still waiting but waiting with activity. Today, my director commented that in the context of activity, I am at rest. I sense being in step with Jesus. Though demanding of strength beyond myself, the experience is growing in me an attentiveness to his voice and a responsiveness to his touch.
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