Trust in the context of personal mistakes, poor decisions, or failures is more than difficult, it's seemingly impossible compared to trusting God when I have done the best I can. The latter setting feels like I am doing my part and then trusting him to do his. In reality, is this really trust?
The former circumstance seems to be where REAL trust is required; in my frailty and lack rather than in my strength. When I must face the end of myself, the place where I have to admit I can't make something work, and when in the worst cases, I have to accept that my inadequacy has resulted in others being hurt or experiencing greater struggles, I most need to be able to trust, and today I most lack that ability.
Trusting a God who is all powerful, full of mercy, abounding in love, what is so hard about that? Apparently, this is beyond my ability when I know I deserve the opposite. This struggle seems to reveal a hidden point of self-deception, that when I do well, contributing all I can, I expect God to look on me with favor, and therefore, I trust. But when I or others are suffering because of my lack? How do I trust in this setting?
Anticipating the consequences of my own sin that I deserve to face leaves no room for trusting God's provision or goodness. Penance looks so appealing in such settings. Receiving my due stripes. Seeing how things can work out is not possible as my racing thoughts of guilt and shame cannot settle long enough to hear differently. How can things work out for me for this is not what I deserve? How can I trust the goodness of God when I know my due is punishment? How can I not be punished? How do I receive this kind of grace?
More to the point, when will I accept that Jesus loves me, desires his best for me, longs for intimacy with me apart from what I do?
It is all about him, and not me. Again my self-focus is revealed.
O, my God, thank you for the forgiveness of the cross that demonstrates your grace given to me.
Thank you that you have chosen to act out of your character and not my effort.
Thank you that you take the time to transform this self-centered heart that I might walk in trust.
Rooted in the fact that Jesus is present, active, and good, trust freely flows through grace into me and through me to others.
No comments:
Post a Comment