When God is MIA

Why is it easier to sense God's love and caring in the midst of circumstances beyond our influence -- a natural disaster, cancer, economic disaster -- than we find ourselves in places caused by our own poor decisions? During these times God seems so far away, so distant. It is in this place that I have been dwelling.

I tell myself that God is the same no matter the cause of my circumstance; yet, here I am; yet, this is what I feel.

It's almost like when things come upon me outside of my control then I rest in the fact that God must have allowed this into my life; therefore, he is present and at work through these circumstances. BUT when MY lack of margin, MY lack of planning, MY wrong decisions, or MY lack of obedience place me in the midst of pain and struggle, I feel so alone. I feel like I deserve what I am experiencing, and I am ashamed. And in my shame, I turn away from God, from his grace, from his presence. Now this doesn't happen intentionally, mind you; for in my struggles I am seeking him and his wisdom and his direction -- and yet, things feel different, even false. My innate knowing, my confidence in his presence even when I can't see him fades. I know the truth of his presence in my head, but in the deep place of honesty in me, in my heart, I'm not quite sure.

I see this picture of me surrounded by bright, white light, but its source is behind me as I am kneeling, slumped on the hard, cold concrete surface. My gaze is cast downward into the shadow created by my own small shape, a shadow that is quite dark, isolated from the surrounding brightness. Overcome by this scene, I begin crying out in desperation to the small figure I see.

"Turn around! Do you not see the blinding light of his love? Why are you gazing fixed on the shadow and darkness of your own lack? Do you not feel him kneeling with you surrounding you with his arms of love? How could he not be, you are his beloved. Why do you hold onto what you think you deserve -- darkness, shadow, isolation, rejection?" (The tone of my cry softens as the presence of his love penetrates the scene.) "You don't even have to move. Just look up and you will see how the light of his love is penetrating the darkness of your disobedience and the consequences of your sin. You are loved. He is here with you in this place of your own making, but he IS here, and together you will rise and walk out of this mess."

Lord, I hold the results of my lack and of my sin, but I hold them WITH you until with you and by you the work of restoration is completed.