When longing becomes impatience, doubt is unveiled

Longing: To have an earnest, heartfelt desire, especially for something beyond reach.

The intensity of desire to give myself freely to this work is at least as strong as before my 100-day experience. This is not something I can let go of because it has me rather than me having it. I am compelled onward to engage this work though I do not seem to be able to find the time to get the rest of life done.

Yet, I sensed a growing fear today that choices of the remote and near past will keep me from ever living this work, this calling, this ministry except as a part-time effort. Feeling desperate to make this happen, to be free to give myself full-time to the work, my lack of trust surfaced.

A call to be here in this time, to be quieted by Your presence, to hear Your voice that has not ceased to whisper in my ear Your truths since the conclusion of the 100-days.

"Deb, you need to settle back into Me, rest into Me. I've got this handled. Do what I have for you in this moment, in this day. Engage the incremental steps, use the time I provide, the bits and pieces as they happen. Do the routine, the mundane, the common things that need to be done to prepare for the next steps, I have for you."

It all has its place, its purpose, its need in the bigger, larger and influencing work that God is doing. Even cleaning and bringing order to my surroundings has a place in His ongoing work. And so, I will trust Him as I give myself to this "lesser" work while He continues to hold the "larger."

In awe

Rob Bell in the third chapter of Velvet Elvis begins by describing times of being in awe of God. As I read his stories, the emotion overwhelmed me as only happens when the connection of a lived experience links you with an author.

Awe, when words fail --

• the day I crossed the line of faith, when all the world changed, even the colors in the world became brighter, more visivd, more real
• the day I graduated from medical school, I couldn't stop smiling even as I went to sleep that night
• the time I tangibly felt the touch of God and His unbounded love for me
• the morning of unexpected revelation when God placed that pivotal piece in the puzzle of my life that allowed me to see His artistry He had constructed to lead me to His life's work for me

Awe, not something you live in (tho' it seems like it would be cool to do so). It's the unexpected, one of those thin places where the glory on the other side leaks through.

Take the time to consider your own experiences of awe. Experience them again, see them afresh, be renewed by the gift of glory in the unexpected.

Rest, recover, and enjoy

During the last days of my 100-day journey, two things of significance occurred. First, on the 1st of October, our nonprofit, Partners in Resilience, was incorporated. This idea of enhancing the care provided to cross-cultural workers was born. Although hidden, taking shape in many tangible ways, much in the same way that a baby is formed hidden in the womb, this organization is now visible to everyone. There will be many areas of continuing growth, development, missteps, and falls until it reaches maturity, but it is (we are) officially on our way.

The second thing that occurred was a shift in me. The structure of these days was coming to an end, and yet, I did not see where God was leading me next, and this led to uncertainty and an unexpected feeling of being  distant from God. There was also a fear that the significance of these days would be forgotten. However, strangely, both issues were overshadowed with an unexplained Presence of love.

In this, the lessons of these days came back, namely, that of asking with expectancy God for my most basic needs and asking others for their involvement. In these askings, I heard God's voice whisper, "I'm still here."

With the help of a friend, I have come to see God's new invitation to rest, recover, and enjoy the gifts He has given me through this journey. To rest means this organization that has just been "birthed" needs to be placed into Your hands, Lord, to hold and to care for. To rest is not a laying down and walking away, but a trusting You to continue the work without my own effort for now.

To enjoy the gifts given takes two forms. First, this is taking the time to look at the organization noticing all that there was vision for, all that now exists, all of the nuances and characteristics that are present, and celebrate them. Secondly, this is to look at me and Our relationship noticing how these will never be the same again as a result of the journey of these days. With gratitude and awe, I now see that what these were before doesn't even compare to what they are now -- the depth of intimacy, trust, and love -- the reality of Your voice, touch, and presence.

To recover is to acknowledge the price (physical, emotional, and relational) that has been paid during this time of intensity. Previously, I had a tendency toward drivenness which sprung from many sources. Other than at the beginning, this journey has not functioned out of that but rather out of a resting dependency on Jesus. This was a journey that I could not engage on my own but could only be completed as He did the work through me. The experience was not easy, for at times it meant at the end of a long day my day was not over, but during these times to not continue became unthinkable because I didn't want to miss out on what Jesus was doing in and through me. Committing the time to Him and engaging in the process in whatever form it took for that day was lived, not out of my own strength, but in His Spirit empowering me.

To heed Your call to spend time with You apart from the work of the organization is to find rest, recovery and celebration. The ending of this journey has only intensified my longing for You, and therefore, the previous fear has dissipated as promised (1 John 4:18).

Concluding, yet somehow continuing (100/100)

Repeatedly during the presentations by Dr. John Townsend at the Sandy Cove Singles Retreat this weekend, I have been encouraged to see his recommendations for doing life well as present in my own life, my development, and this ministry's development. Such affirmation juxtapositioned with the emotions of these days has been helpful.

This concluding day feels no different in expression than the previous 50. It is strange what has become routine. There is an unexpected sadness, however, present in this ending.

There is no staying in this place. Though I do not see the place for my foot as a next step, or at least do not see it clearly, staying here is not an option. I am trusting that reflection and rest are to be part of my next steps. 

Jesus, cause me to know You are still here. You have not changed in character nor action, and therefore, You are still present, active, and good.

Confusing shift of emotion (99/100)

Caught off guard today by a sense of fear that I will miss the significance of these previous days.  It was a disconcerting moment filled with longing and the presence of Your love in the midst of the morning's song service. A confusing swirl of emotion. O, God, don't let me miss or forget all You have done.

Next steps? (98/100)

My days of intentional movement toward calling will soon require a transition. But I can’t imagine just going back to the way I was doing life before this journey. Although I can’t fully express all that has changed, I am not the same; I will never be the same.

Do I really see all that has occurred during these days? There are the outward and inward things, but things have gone at such a pace that time to process hasn't been part of the process.

What do the next days look like? I never considered this before. I just figured that when the time was completed, the next steps would be clear. Not so much.

I’m feeling like I’ve been walking on a series of stones crossing a large body of deep, dark water. The pace has become routine, not easy, but routine. Step. Step. Step. The stride has varied at times. Short steps here. Long steps there. But I feel like now as I go to take the next step with my weight shifting to plant my foot on the next stone, I suddenly notice that there is nothing there and I struggle to re-orient my weight so I don’t fall. Where’s the stone?! Wasn’t it there? Have I been lulled into a routine that in the habit of it I missed something? Did I somehow go the wrong way although there never seemed to be a choice in each step?

No more stones means staying where I am until the next one surfaces, right? I’ve been here before, but I just didn’t see this coming. (Or because this is only day 98, I need to stop being so impatient and let this be okay. Certainly been impatient before, wanting information prior to God feeling the need to reveal it.)

I feel like I’ve come back from a mission trip and need the chance to de-brief, a slow incremental de-brief to understand where I’ve been, how the journey has impacted me, how it has influenced my future, and a chance to re-orient myself to the shift in terrain.

Lord, guide me as I am here with You in this place, in this time.

The upside-down way of wholeness in Jesus (97/100)

The overwhelming testimony of the saints of the Christian faith is that the more they grew in sanctity the more they realized how little they knew God, how sinful they still were, and how far away the ultimate point of their journey was still. . . . The final witness is not our spiritual progress and sanctity, but the grace of God freely given and carrying us in the journey to wholeness. -- Ringma, Seek the Silences

This is one of the upside-down aspects of the Christian life. As long as I have it all together, living in strength, moving, progressing -- I have no need of grace and therefore little need for God. This contrast is just like that of Simon the Pharisee and the prostitute in Luke 7:36-50.

Clinging to Jesus for my very survival in ultimate desperation comes as I realize how little I know You, God; realize how sinful I still am; how far away I am from where I ought to be in this spiritual life.

Now this may all be a strange thing to read from one who is trying to help others pursue resilience in life and ministry. What we are seeking for ourselves and those we serve is integral wholeness which we understand as "being comprehensively whole in Christ; not perfect, but perfectly broken in Jesus for His use; displaying resilience in all areas of life thereby achieving continual relevance." 

It is that very sense of desperate dependence when present that drives one, drives me, to the place of grace that Ringma speaks of and in this place my life finds its meaning and purpose.

My bias toward the Church (96/100)

Today's time has been about resting into the completion of this assignment for school, and in it, the conclusion of processing this piece of my bias toward the Church in providing care for cross-cultural workers.

In reality my bias in all things is that God placed the Church here as His vehicle for conveying by word, deed, and example, His love and redemptive work in and to this broken and hurting world. O, that we would find a way to live this!

Through Him we both have our access in one Spirit to the Father. So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints, and are of God's household, having been built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus Himself being the corner stone, in whom the whole building, being fitted together, is growing into a holy temple in the Lord, in whom you also are being built together into a dwelling of God in the Spirit. -- Ephesian 2:18-22 (NASB)

A dwelling of God . . . wow! The God of the universe who made all that is, desires to dwell in us?! How could such a reality not change this world?!

Lord, keep me as Your unhindered-vessel near breaking, but held together by Your in dwelling presence, displaying Your glory. Keep us as Your people in this same way held together by the Super Glue of Your Spirit, aware of our frailty, but also of Your greatness.

Reference: A vessel He can use and day 63/100 of this blog (8/27/10)

The Spirit work in the soil (95/100)

Until today, I have always interpreted the parable of the Sower and the Soils (Luke 8) in the context of salvation. Although this could be one way to see this passage, Jesus presents the Seed as the Word of God, not the Gospel. God's word includes more than the Good News of salvation. In fact, it includes the whole counsel and instruction of God.

When He speaks His word into my life (sows His Seed), am I soil that gladly receives it, holding it fast, allowing it to bear fruit in my life?

Lord, keep me as ready soil: honest and good in heart, understanding, hearing, really hearing.

Lord, make me responsive with: acceptance, holding fast to the word, allowing it to be planted deep, then  driving its roots even deeper.

Lord, cause Your word to result in: bearing of fruit; much fruit; fruit that lasts, remains, perseveres, is steadfast, and enduring.

This class on policy serves as an example of this work.
In the beginning I was hard and resistant to this having any use for our ministry.
I softened enough to consider that there might be something of use and began to let the thought grow, but my resistance was still present. I could not see any lasting use.
The work of Your Spirit continued and eventually I was able to move into the work and in this the benefits of the investment began to grow as I had to develop my theology of policy particularly related to this ministry. But then the struggles and hardship of trying to get through the analysis, to teach myself how to do this, and to stay engaged despite the many distractions of work and ministry. Eventually this all choked out my motivation and interest.
Again, the Spirit tilled the soil of my heart. This time I was ready and the possibilities drove deep. The result is that I see now the benefit of this class for our ministry. I have a clearer understanding with a greater factual and Scriptural foundation for our work in advocating for the role of the Church in caring for the cross-cultural worker. I see clearly that our greatest role is not in directly caring for the worker ourselves, although we need to model this, our role is still that of calling out the Body into this work of caring for their own as they reach into the corners of this world with Your love. Loving care given with loving service extending in strength the loving reach of the Gospel of Grace.

Lord, cause me to soften sooner that I might be ready soil for all You desire to do in and through me.

Wake up to see and hear (94/100)

He who has ears to hear, let him hear. -- Luke 8:8 (NASB)

Lord, cause me to be aware -- to see and hear You even this day -- cause me to be aware and responsive.

Unexpected work load --> unexpected grace to complete all that was needed
Difficult and confusing assignments --> mercy in grading and grace in extension
Limits of time and strength --> povision of information, unexpected, with clarity of mind to understand
Impatience to move --> the mercy of limits to slow me down
Longing for deepening of relationship --> rest and peace in the journey

The hour has come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. -- Romans 13:11 (NIV)



"Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you." Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity. -- Ephesians 5:14-15 (NIV)

A day of gratitude (93/100)

Grateful for
good friends with whom I can be myself -- real, vulnerable, accepted.
family who love me and remind me that the hard stuff of life can transform us into God's image with time.
opportunities for ministry that allow me to speak into other's lives with meaning and purpose.
the privilege of watching God grant a vision and then step by step bring it into reality.
partners in the ministry to help carry the load, clarify the vision, and shine the flashlight so I can see the next footfall.
the gift of people who share with generosity their gifts thereby empowering us to live the vision.
the journey of discovery and growing intimacy with God that is just beginning.

Contrasting states? (92/100)

Although I've never considered myself an activist in style or in faith tradition, I think this has become part of who I am. At least the trappings of an activist are certainly evident. I have had a tendency to celebrate doing while allowing intimacy to become more of a longing and a dream as mentioned by Ringma.

I have been learning however that to prioritize intimacy instead can cause my activity to have greater meaning and purpose. Being in Your presence enables and empowers all I do yet with a sense of rest.

Doing and rest -- these don't fit together well in my mind, but I sure like the way I am seeing them fit into the expression of my life.

The blessing of affirmation (91/100)

Affirm: establish or strengthen as with new evidence or facts; confirm

This has been a week of repeated affirmation of God's presence and work in this journey and this ministry.

In a world that is broken and marred by sin with all the implications of this, we can live in the joy of God's grace and the power of His Spirit. -- Ringma, Seek the Silences

The easy and hard things (90/100)

Sometimes the seemingly easiest things take SO much time and money.
Today's example has been that of completing the application process for incorporation: in addition to the three forms already sent (and $195), today saw another three forms for posting the needed "ads" for publication (and $230). Unbelievable!

The blessing in this has been that thanks to the voluntary time of my professor from my financial class, I was able to complete all of this myself without additional legal or accounting fees. Now onto the 501(c)3 application, woohoo!

On the other hand some things that appear hard, just are.
Today's example has been the papers for my current class.

Grateful for the Lord's provision in allowing me to do this work on the need for holistic member care. Because of this work, I continue to find resources and organizations that will help us live into this ministry. Thank You, Jesus, for helping me to hold these assignments although I would rather just drop them in frustration and fatigue.

Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives, do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful. -- John 14:27 (NASB)

Moving in rhythm (89/100)

There is something deadenly ordinary about life. Caught in the cycle of birth and ageing, night and day, and work and play, we can live with monotonous regularity and without transcendent meaning. -- Ringma, Seek the Silences

Ordinary, sounds a bit appealing. Regularity, not really part of my world. I have no rhythms in my life. Well, that's not quite true. I do have a few: sleep, wake, eating. I long for a rhythm to my life. What would it be like to have the rhythms that Ringma speaks of?

Merton suggests to us that the person 'who loves God is playing on the doorstep of eternity.' . . . In the enlightening and transformative power of the Word, . . . God playfully enters our normal reality as the God of surprises. There is nothing frivolous about all of this. But it is playful. For God paints a different picture, creates a different melody, and dances a different rhythm from the ones with which we are familiar. -- Ringma, Seek the Silences

Could it be that my inability to see a rhythm in my life is because, though I can't hear it, I am moving to His rhythm? Could it be that my days are not as random and haphazard as they appear, but in fact, they fit well into this other melody? Could it be that as I am staying close to Jesus, I am moving to this other world's rhythm though I can't hear it? Because I am resting into Him and moving with Him, He who hears clearly this other beat is guiding me in concert with it? There is great comfort and contentment in this.