Reflections on the Everyday

When longing becomes impatience, doubt is unveiled

2010-10-11T22:37:00.000-04:00

Longing: To have an earnest, heartfelt desire, especially for something beyond reach.

The intensity of desire to give myself freely to this work is at least as strong as before my 100-day experience. This is not something I can let go of because it has me rather than me having it. I am compelled onward to engage this work though I do not seem to be able to find the time to get the rest of life done.

Yet, I sensed a growing fear today that choices of the remote and near past will keep me from ever living this work, this calling, this ministry except as a part-time effort. Feeling desperate to make this happen, to be free to give myself full-time to the work, my lack of trust surfaced.

A call to be here in this time, to be quieted by Your presence, to hear Your voice that has not ceased to whisper in my ear Your truths since the conclusion of the 100-days.

"Deb, you need to settle back into Me, rest into Me. I've got this handled. Do what I have for you in this moment, in this day. Engage the incremental steps, use the time I provide, the bits and pieces as they happen. Do the routine, the mundane, the common things that need to be done to prepare for the next steps, I have for you."

It all has its place, its purpose, its need in the bigger, larger and influencing work that God is doing. Even cleaning and bringing order to my surroundings has a place in His ongoing work. And so, I will trust Him as I give myself to this "lesser" work while He continues to hold the "larger."

In awe

2010-10-09T21:30:00.000-04:00

Rob Bell in the third chapter of Velvet Elvis begins by describing times of being in awe of God. As I read his stories, the emotion overwhelmed me as only happens when the connection of a lived experience links you with an author.

Awe, when words fail --

the day I crossed the line of faith, when all the world changed, even the colors in the world became brighter, more visivd, more real
the day I graduated from medical school, I couldn't stop smiling even as I went to sleep that night
the time I tangibly felt the touch of God and His unbounded love for me
the morning of unexpected revelation when God placed that pivotal piece in the puzzle of my life that allowed me to see His artistry He had constructed to lead me to His life's work for me

Awe, not something you live in (tho' it seems like it would be cool to do so). It's the unexpected, one of those thin places where the glory on the other side leaks through.

Take the time to consider your own experiences of awe. Experience them again, see them afresh, be renewed by the gift of glory in the unexpected.

Rest, recover, and enjoy

2010-10-05T19:24:00.000-04:00

During the last days of my 100-day journey, two things of significance occurred. First, on the 1st of October, our nonprofit, Partners in Resilience, was incorporated. This idea of enhancing the care provided to cross-cultural workers was born. Although hidden, taking shape in many tangible ways, much in the same way that a baby is formed hidden in the womb, this organization is now visible to everyone. There will be many areas of continuing growth, development, missteps, and falls until it reaches maturity, but it is (we are) officially on our way.

The second thing that occurred was a shift in me. The structure of these days was coming to an end, and yet, I did not see where God was leading me next, and this led to uncertainty and an unexpected feeling of being distant from God. There was also a fear that the significance of these days would be forgotten. However, strangely, both issues were overshadowed with an unexplained Presence of love.

In this, the lessons of these days came back, namely, that of asking with expectancy God for my most basic needs and asking others for their involvement. In these askings, I heard God's voice whisper, "I'm still here."

With the help of a friend, I have come to see God's new invitation to rest, recover, and enjoy the gifts He has given me through this journey. To rest means this organization that has just been "birthed" needs to be placed into Your hands, Lord, to hold and to care for. To rest is not a laying down and walking away, but a trusting You to continue the work without my own effort for now.

To enjoy the gifts given takes two forms. First, this is taking the time to look at the organization noticing all that there was vision for, all that now exists, all of the nuances and characteristics that are present, and celebrate them. Secondly, this is to look at me and Our relationship noticing how these will never be the same again as a result of the journey of these days. With gratitude and awe, I now see that what these were before doesn't even compare to what they are now -- the depth of intimacy, trust, and love -- the reality of Your voice, touch, and presence.

To recover is to acknowledge the price (physical, emotional, and relational) that has been paid during this time of intensity. Previously, I had a tendency toward drivenness which sprung from many sources. Other than at the beginning, this journey has not functioned out of that but rather out of a resting dependency on Jesus. This was a journey that I could not engage on my own but could only be completed as He did the work through me. The experience was not easy, for at times it meant at the end of a long day my day was not over, but during these times to not continue became unthinkable because I didn't want to miss out on what Jesus was doing in and through me. Committing the time to Him and engaging in the process in whatever form it took for that day was lived, not out of my own strength, but in His Spirit empowering me.

To heed Your call to spend time with You apart from the work of the organization is to find rest, recovery and celebration. The ending of this journey has only intensified my longing for You, and therefore, the previous fear has dissipated as promised (1 John 4:18).

Concluding, yet somehow continuing (100/100)

2010-10-03T20:39:00.000-04:00

Repeatedly during the presentations by Dr. John Townsend at the Sandy Cove Singles Retreat this weekend, I have been encouraged to see his recommendations for doing life well as present in my own life, my development, and this ministry's development. Such affirmation juxtapositioned with the emotions of these days has been helpful.

This concluding day feels no different in expression than the previous 50. It is strange what has become routine. There is an unexpected sadness, however, present in this ending.

There is no staying in this place. Though I do not see the place for my foot as a next step, or at least do not see it clearly, staying here is not an option. I am trusting that reflection and rest are to be part of my next steps.

Jesus, cause me to know You are still here. You have not changed in character nor action, and therefore, You are still present, active, and good.

Confusing shift of emotion (99/100)

2010-10-02T20:18:00.002-04:00

Caught off guard today by a sense of fear that I will miss the significance of these previous days. It was a disconcerting moment filled with longing and the presence of Your love in the midst of the morning's song service. A confusing swirl of emotion. O, God, don't let me miss or forget all You have done.

Next steps? (98/100)

2010-10-01T23:55:00.049-04:00

My days of intentional movement toward calling will soon require a transition. But I can’t imagine just going back to the way I was doing life before this journey. Although I can’t fully express all that has changed, I am not the same; I will never be the same.

Do I really see all that has occurred during these days? There are the outward and inward things, but things have gone at such a pace that time to process hasn't been part of the process.

What do the next days look like? I never considered this before. I just figured that when the time was completed, the next steps would be clear. Not so much.

I’m feeling like I’ve been walking on a series of stones crossing a large body of deep, dark water. The pace has become routine, not easy, but routine. Step. Step. Step. The stride has varied at times. Short steps here. Long steps there. But I feel like now as I go to take the next step with my weight shifting to plant my foot on the next stone, I suddenly notice that there is nothing there and I struggle to re-orient my weight so I don’t fall. Where’s the stone?! Wasn’t it there? Have I been lulled into a routine that in the habit of it I missed something? Did I somehow go the wrong way although there never seemed to be a choice in each step?

No more stones means staying where I am until the next one surfaces, right? I’ve been here before, but I just didn’t see this coming. (Or because this is only day 98, I need to stop being so impatient and let this be okay. Certainly been impatient before, wanting information prior to God feeling the need to reveal it.)

I feel like I’ve come back from a mission trip and need the chance to de-brief, a slow incremental de-brief to understand where I’ve been, how the journey has impacted me, how it has influenced my future, and a chance to re-orient myself to the shift in terrain.

Lord, guide me as I am here with You in this place, in this time.

The upside-down way of wholeness in Jesus (97/100)

2010-09-30T23:13:00.000-04:00

The overwhelming testimony of the saints of the Christian faith is that the more they grew in sanctity the more they realized how little they knew God, how sinful they still were, and how far away the ultimate point of their journey was still. . . . The final witness is not our spiritual progress and sanctity, but the grace of God freely given and carrying us in the journey to wholeness. -- Ringma, Seek the Silences

This is one of the upside-down aspects of the Christian life. As long as I have it all together, living in strength, moving, progressing -- I have no need of grace and therefore little need for God. This contrast is just like that of Simon the Pharisee and the prostitute in Luke 7:36-50.

Clinging to Jesus for my very survival in ultimate desperation comes as I realize how little I know You, God; realize how sinful I still am; how far away I am from where I ought to be in this spiritual life.

Now this may all be a strange thing to read from one who is trying to help others pursue resilience in life and ministry. What we are seeking for ourselves and those we serve is integral wholeness which we understand as "being comprehensively whole in Christ; not perfect, but perfectly broken in Jesus for His use; displaying resilience in all areas of life thereby achieving continual relevance."

It is that very sense of desperate dependence when present that drives one, drives me, to the place of grace that Ringma speaks of and in this place my life finds its meaning and purpose.

My bias toward the Church (96/100)

2010-09-29T23:52:00.001-04:00

Today's time has been about resting into the completion of this assignment for school, and in it, the conclusion of processing this piece of my bias toward the Church in providing care for cross-cultural workers.

In reality my bias in all things is that God placed the Church here as His vehicle for conveying by word, deed, and example, His love and redemptive work in and to this broken and hurting world. O, that we would find a way to live this!

Through Him we both have our access in one Spirit to the Father. So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints, and are of God's household, having been built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus Himself being the corner stone, in whom the whole building, being fitted together, is growing into a holy temple in the Lord, in whom you also are being built together into a dwelling of God in the Spirit. -- Ephesian 2:18-22 (NASB)

A dwelling of God . . . wow! The God of the universe who made all that is, desires to dwell in us?! How could such a reality not change this world?!

Lord, keep me as Your unhindered-vessel near breaking, but held together by Your in dwelling presence, displaying Your glory. Keep us as Your people in this same way held together by the Super Glue of Your Spirit, aware of our frailty, but also of Your greatness.

Reference: A vessel He can use and day 63/100 of this blog (8/27/10)

The Spirit work in the soil (95/100)

2010-09-28T22:10:00.000-04:00

Until today, I have always interpreted the parable of the Sower and the Soils (Luke 8) in the context of salvation. Although this could be one way to see this passage, Jesus presents the Seed as the Word of God, not the Gospel. God's word includes more than the Good News of salvation. In fact, it includes the whole counsel and instruction of God.

When He speaks His word into my life (sows His Seed), am I soil that gladly receives it, holding it fast, allowing it to bear fruit in my life?

Lord, keep me as ready soil: honest and good in heart, understanding, hearing, really hearing.

Lord, make me responsive with: acceptance, holding fast to the word, allowing it to be planted deep, then driving its roots even deeper.

Lord, cause Your word to result in: bearing of fruit; much fruit; fruit that lasts, remains, perseveres, is steadfast, and enduring.

This class on policy serves as an example of this work.
In the beginning I was hard and resistant to this having any use for our ministry.
I softened enough to consider that there might be something of use and began to let the thought grow, but my resistance was still present. I could not see any lasting use.
The work of Your Spirit continued and eventually I was able to move into the work and in this the benefits of the investment began to grow as I had to develop my theology of policy particularly related to this ministry. But then the struggles and hardship of trying to get through the analysis, to teach myself how to do this, and to stay engaged despite the many distractions of work and ministry. Eventually this all choked out my motivation and interest.
Again, the Spirit tilled the soil of my heart. This time I was ready and the possibilities drove deep. The result is that I see now the benefit of this class for our ministry. I have a clearer understanding with a greater factual and Scriptural foundation for our work in advocating for the role of the Church in caring for the cross-cultural worker. I see clearly that our greatest role is not in directly caring for the worker ourselves, although we need to model this, our role is still that of calling out the Body into this work of caring for their own as they reach into the corners of this world with Your love. Loving care given with loving service extending in strength the loving reach of the Gospel of Grace.

Lord, cause me to soften sooner that I might be ready soil for all You desire to do in and through me.

Wake up to see and hear (94/100)

2010-09-27T22:55:00.000-04:00

He who has ears to hear, let him hear. -- Luke 8:8 (NASB)

Lord, cause me to be aware -- to see and hear You even this day -- cause me to be aware and responsive.

Unexpected work load --> unexpected grace to complete all that was needed
Difficult and confusing assignments --> mercy in grading and grace in extension
Limits of time and strength --> povision of information, unexpected, with clarity of mind to understand
Impatience to move --> the mercy of limits to slow me down
Longing for deepening of relationship --> rest and peace in the journey

The hour has come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. -- Romans 13:11 (NIV)

"Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you." Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity. -- Ephesians 5:14-15 (NIV)

A day of gratitude (93/100)

2010-09-26T22:15:00.000-04:00

Grateful for
good friends with whom I can be myself -- real, vulnerable, accepted.
family who love me and remind me that the hard stuff of life can transform us into God's image with time.
opportunities for ministry that allow me to speak into other's lives with meaning and purpose.
the privilege of watching God grant a vision and then step by step bring it into reality.
partners in the ministry to help carry the load, clarify the vision, and shine the flashlight so I can see the next footfall.
the gift of people who share with generosity their gifts thereby empowering us to live the vision.
the journey of discovery and growing intimacy with God that is just beginning.

Contrasting states? (92/100)

2010-09-25T23:55:00.001-04:00

Although I've never considered myself an activist in style or in faith tradition, I think this has become part of who I am. At least the trappings of an activist are certainly evident. I have had a tendency to celebrate doing while allowing intimacy to become more of a longing and a dream as mentioned by Ringma.

I have been learning however that to prioritize intimacy instead can cause my activity to have greater meaning and purpose. Being in Your presence enables and empowers all I do yet with a sense of rest.

Doing and rest -- these don't fit together well in my mind, but I sure like the way I am seeing them fit into the expression of my life.

The blessing of affirmation (91/100)

2010-09-24T23:55:00.001-04:00

Affirm: establish or strengthen as with new evidence or facts; confirm

This has been a week of repeated affirmation of God's presence and work in this journey and this ministry.

In a world that is broken and marred by sin with all the implications of this, we can live in the joy of God's grace and the power of His Spirit. -- Ringma, Seek the Silences

The easy and hard things (90/100)

2010-09-23T22:15:00.002-04:00

Sometimes the seemingly easiest things take SO much time and money.
Today's example has been that of completing the application process for incorporation: in addition to the three forms already sent (and $195), today saw another three forms for posting the needed "ads" for publication (and $230). Unbelievable!

The blessing in this has been that thanks to the voluntary time of my professor from my financial class, I was able to complete all of this myself without additional legal or accounting fees. Now onto the 501(c)3 application, woohoo!

On the other hand some things that appear hard, just are.
Today's example has been the papers for my current class.

Grateful for the Lord's provision in allowing me to do this work on the need for holistic member care. Because of this work, I continue to find resources and organizations that will help us live into this ministry. Thank You, Jesus, for helping me to hold these assignments although I would rather just drop them in frustration and fatigue.

Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives, do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful. -- John 14:27 (NASB)

Moving in rhythm (89/100)

2010-09-22T20:53:00.000-04:00

There is something deadenly ordinary about life. Caught in the cycle of birth and ageing, night and day, and work and play, we can live with monotonous regularity and without transcendent meaning. -- Ringma, Seek the Silences

Ordinary, sounds a bit appealing. Regularity, not really part of my world. I have no rhythms in my life. Well, that's not quite true. I do have a few: sleep, wake, eating. I long for a rhythm to my life. What would it be like to have the rhythms that Ringma speaks of?

Merton suggests to us that the person 'who loves God is playing on the doorstep of eternity.' . . . In the enlightening and transformative power of the Word, . . . God playfully enters our normal reality as the God of surprises. There is nothing frivolous about all of this. But it is playful. For God paints a different picture, creates a different melody, and dances a different rhythm from the ones with which we are familiar. -- Ringma, Seek the Silences

Could it be that my inability to see a rhythm in my life is because, though I can't hear it, I am moving to His rhythm? Could it be that my days are not as random and haphazard as they appear, but in fact, they fit well into this other melody? Could it be that as I am staying close to Jesus, I am moving to this other world's rhythm though I can't hear it? Because I am resting into Him and moving with Him, He who hears clearly this other beat is guiding me in concert with it? There is great comfort and contentment in this.

Signs of learning (88/100)

2010-09-21T23:45:00.000-04:00

Longing for space to be with Jesus -- a growing desire for time with Him to hear, to read, to delve deeper into Scripture, to pause, to be.

If I have learned nothing else from this journey, I have learned that anything important to me and for me to engage requires intentionality. Without planning, evidenced by designating time committed to that which I long for, it will NOT happen.

But the another thing I have learned is that I don't have to have everything settled and done in the rest of my life before I engage that which is most important.

And, I have learned that despite fatigue and distractions, You are gracious and bless my movement toward You and what You desire for me. Everything about these days screams that there is no way anything could be accomplished under such circumstances, and yet, . . .

Thank You Jesus for Your continuing grace and Your empowering and transforming work in and through me. You are amazing!

The transition (87/100)

2010-09-20T19:49:00.000-04:00

Today, completing the application for Partners in Resilience to become an official organization.

The end of the NNNP (No-Name Non-Profit) and moving fully into this next phase of the process caused me to pause. This brought to mind the last big transition I travelled and prompted me to review my posts from July of 2007.

So, much has transpired since that time.

Choosing to let go and to move fully into all You have created me to be, just to this point, has been an amazing journey. Now, we move on from here and in the moving challenging others in their own journeys. Wow!

My vision and dreams are big, but I know that they are no where close to all You have planned for us. Thank You for the privilege of being here, moving in step with You. Lead in this dance as You desire. Hold me close, in concert with Your movements. Learning along the journey. Growing in tune with You.

The real trust is in the details (86/100)

2010-09-19T20:10:00.000-04:00

As we move further in this work, the details emerge to finer and finer levels. Sometimes this is exhilarating, particularly, as we develop aspects of the services (programming) we envision providing. The details of the finances on the other hand touch places that trigger fear and challenge my ability to trust and rest.

I long to live fully into all You have given us vision for but really, how?

Even if we are only talking about the start up money, where will this come from?

Can I trust You to give vision, to place this desire in me, and then to provide the means of accomplishing it? The enormity of the task and the needed funding is overwhelming.

But, I don't need to know where the funding for all of this is going to come from. All I need to do is what you are asking me to do today to be ready. Then, I am to trust that when we have the need for applications, and legal fees, and accountants, and trips, and materials, and . . . Then, I need to ask You for what we need, specifically, and look for Your provision. Dollar by dollar, fee by fee, ticket by ticket.

Lord, help me. Cause me to trust the saying I have heard, "The Lord will not guide where He doesn't also provide." Trusting that in all of this that I cannot see, You remain present, active, and good.

Clarity of calling (85/100)

2010-09-18T23:44:00.002-04:00

Attending a prayer retreat for a Board on which I serve in the area, I was surprised by a word spoken to my heart during one of the prayer times. "This is to be your life's work."

Whoa! What does that mean?

William Wilberforce -- his life's work was working relentlessly within the political system of England until the slave trade was abolished. His life has long inspired me to live a life of meaning and influence guided by a discerning walk with God.

Hudson Taylor -- his life's work was bringing the gospel of Christ to China, allowing nothing to hinder that witness. His life has inspired me to be aware of the diversity and value of culture that can be embraced to open doors for the gospel witness.

Sir William Osler -- his life's work as a great clinical teacher was to reconcile the emerging new medical science with the old humanities. The lessons from his life are an inspiration to me in many ways.

I certainly can't imagine investing my remaining days, whether few or many, in anything but this work of promoting, enhancing, and facilitating the care of those working cross-culturally, specifically helping those in places isolated from a strong Christian witness.

Does that make it my life's work? I guess it does. Lord, make this work effective, influencing, and fruitful for Your Kingdom.

The practice of holding and releasing (84/100)

2010-09-17T06:44:00.000-04:00

There are many things I am asked to hold today, but I am not asked to hold them all at the same time.

O, Lord Jesus, place and remove each of these in my hand as we go through this day. When I am holding one, I trust You are holding the others. As I do hold one, cause me to rest into Your strength -- Your hand supporting mine. Resting in the progression of the day, holding and releasing, guided by Your providence and Your presence.

Beginning to live what I have learned (83/100)

2010-09-16T22:14:00.000-04:00

Planning for our Fall retreat now for the third year is a last minute thing. (Clearly our need for good administrative help is again showing itself.) The press to find a suitable place was on me yesterday, but taking notice of the lessons learned during these days, I stopped, asked Jesus to handle this, and asked Him to hold it all until I could spend time on it today.

Today, I received a phone call. The person on the other end asked, "We are wondering if you have a place for your Fall retreat?" I'm glad I was sitting down because I might have fallen over. Then later I received an email from another place about the availability of their new retreat cabins. Wow! Now granted, these are not everything we could hope for one day, but either is certainly adequate for our current needs. It was one of those times recently when I have sensed God's presence in this work.

Within this next week there are three significant opportunities for steps forward in this ministry. The reminder today that we are not alone in our own strength has been huge for me. To sense my need to rest is one thing, but to see how He handles things when I do . . .

I don't know why I am surprised when I see Him do things, but it does keep me grateful. He knows this is what I needed today, and he provided.

We are walking together into His plans for us.
Keep our eyes fixed on You, Lord, along the way.
Keep us aware of Your provision and Your delight in providing all of our needs.

The same issue, different trigger (82/100)

2010-09-15T21:26:00.000-04:00

Just never satisfied, I guess.

Waiting and watching and allowing God's timing to guide in this process has at times prompted the root of impatience and lack of trust to reveal itself.

Today after hearing that opportunities for sharing about this ministry and my heart for serving those going cross-culturally are not just possible but actually scheduled, I'm panicking that things are going too fast.

Though I don't see how the ministry will be ready to present or I will be ready to effectively share, it is the same words as before that I keep hearing whispered in my ear, "Trust Me. Rest into Me, and just trust Me."

My below-the-waterline issue is control. It reveals itself in impatience, fear, and anxiety, but the root is the same. Will I release control to You? Will I hold to the fact that You are present, active, and good, and therefore can be trusted no matter the situation or circumstance.

Holding this ministry in my hand, an open hand, in a place of peace, allowing You full access to shape it and its expression in Your timing. O, Jesus, give me Your abiding grace sufficient to live this.

The requirements of asking (81/100)

2010-09-14T21:46:00.002-04:00

Asking necessitates an awareness of personal inadequacy and a mindset of humble receptivity.

In order to choose to ask, I first must recognize that I am in need -- I am human and therefore limited in certain skills and powers, and I am willing to admit it to another. Accurately assessing my skills, gifts, abilities, and resources is also needed. Then there is the matter of knowing of whom to ask. This requires an awareness of others gifts, skills, abilities, and resources. I am placed in community and together we are to express the creative work of God in our lives through our integrated expression of all He has given us.

Therefore, when I reach the end of myself and allow others to make up for where I am lacking, we move toward the oneness for which Jesus prayed in John 17:22-23.

Asking necessitates a mindset of humble receptivity knowing that God will answer but the one being asked may not. I must come without expectation, holding my request, and my desire in which it is rooted, loosely. My vision is myopic all too often. Even when I am most clear as to my own path, there is still only one foot-fall of it that I can see and this still dimly. How can I expect to see what is best for another?

Again, a journey of trust, and asking when done in trust, can't help but be done in humility.

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. -- Mt. 7: 7

The experience of holding (80/100)

2010-09-13T23:29:00.000-04:00

Close your eyes. Feel your breathing. Settle into this place.

Hold out your hand, palm up, fingers out-stretched.

Picture that issue that you are currently holding, and place it in the palm of your hand .

Is it heavy? Is it light? Does it have texture? How does it feel?

As you hold it there, what naturally happens? Do you find your fingers closing around it, holding it tighter and tighter in your grip? Does your hand seem to fall under the weight of it letting it fall to the ground? Do you let it fall by intention or by accident?

Relax. Again return to feeling the movement of your breathing. Settle back into this place.

Hold out your hand, palm up, fingers out-stretched.

Picture God gently placing in the palm of your hand that which He wants you to hold.

Does the same issue feel differently? Is this a different issue?

Listen to His voice as He speaks to you as to how you should hold this thing He has placed there.

What is He saying to you in this holding? Where is He in this setting?

What desires are stirred in you?

What is He revealing to you about His desires? His presence? His love?

Be with Him in this place. Stay here until you sense He is moving and you with Him.

Congruence in life and desire? (79/100)

2010-09-12T20:58:00.000-04:00

congruence -- the quality or state of being, coinciding, or being congruent (in agreement or harmony)

My recent illness has caused me to pause and acknowledge the need for my own pursuit of wellness. Now it's not like I haven't been aware of this, particularly, during this journey where my margins have become almost nonexistent. However, seasons of increasing demands are part of life and ministry, but they are only to be seasons and not a habit of life. The ongoing neglect of the gifts God has given in health, relationships, time, and activities is what is becoming evident.

If I conclude these days of intentionality and fail to learn that space to work on this ministry and to live into all that God has made me to be, then I have missed one of the primary reasons for God's call into this journey. Only when I reach a state of congruence with what I am attempting to help others establish will I be effective.

With just over 20 days left, my need to consider the transition is important. What am I taking away from this experience (not just for the ministry but for me and my life with Jesus)? In the same way I prepared for this journey by designating the two-hours of time each day, how will I approach the days ahead? Is there space that has resulted from this experience that is meant for me to model a life of holistic wellness? Will this journey have fruit that is lasting?

Jesus, I don't have answers for these things. Guide me into them as You have guided me in these days. Remaining in Your embrace, cause me to continue to rest into Your movements step by step.

Growing in communicating (78/100)

2010-09-11T21:29:00.000-04:00

My bent is ideas and visioning. This is good for motivating and encouraging others. It is good for viewing the multiple interconnections that exist in a circumstance and pointing out those not previously noticed. It tends to be good for large group leading, but . . .

This bent becomes a detriment if I need to talk in concrete terms and details. I tend toward generalities and have ideas in my head that I can't effectively convey to others, particularly others who operate from a concrete, results oriented frame.

Starting a ministry requires me to learn how to communicate in new ways. All the ideas in the world will never change the world. It is the details of implementation that result in impact. Ideas and vision can motivate and maintain enthusiasm but only if the path I lay before people to follow is clear.

When learning a foreign language for me immersion is the key to success. Likewise, I suspect that being immersed in thinking in more concrete ways could help me communicate better. I will never, however, do it as well as someone who is made in this way, and therefore, I need the help of others to translate for me so that the nuances of what I am attempting to convey are not lost. Again, my need for community is essential.

However I was reminded today of another way to enhance communication; namely, that of bringing others along with me into my thought process. I too often leave out steps and expect others to make the jump from one point to another as I share an idea. I can't keep up when someone who does this to me; yet, I get careless and fail to leave a good trail of bread crumbs as well.

I am grateful for friends who are patient with me and love me despite my lack of sensitivity and skill in these areas. Lord, keep me aware of my influence on others, my need to learn and adapt, and my inability to have Kingdom influence on my own apart from community.

Gifts given though not sought (77/100)

2010-09-10T21:03:00.000-04:00

Tonight coming home later than anticipated, I had the privilege of seeing a beautiful picture of dark blue and black clouds outlined in fiery red. It was one of those beautiful pictures painted by God. When I see something so unexpected I have two reactions.

First, I am grateful for the chance to see it. The various aspects of my day that led to me coming home late in this way and down the road I was traveling were suddenly viewed from a different perspective. Because of all of them, though at the time irritating and a bit aggravating, I got to see this cool piece of artwork painted across the western sky.

Second, I notice the people driving down and walking along this same road. So many who are travelling my same path yet who are looking in the wrong direction preventing them from seeing what I see. Others moving along but seeming to not notice, or disregarding, what has struck me with awe.

How often even this week though in this journey of intention have I been just like these people. I'm reminded of my need to be aware, looking for God's masterpieces in the common places of my journey. How much am I missing that God is painting in plain view, right overhead, yet missed by me? I'm convicted of my sin of ingratitude that keeps me from pausing to soak in the glory and appreciate the beauty. O, God, forgive me.

Open my eyes to the wonder of You, to the beauty of Your creative works, to the lavishness of Your love poured out on those like me who fail to notice.

The gift of community (76/100)

2010-09-09T18:44:00.000-04:00

Grateful today for the opportunity to be part of a community doing this ministry and doing life.

. . . it is only by a gracious anticipation of the last things that Christians are privileged to live in visible fellowship with other Christians. It is by the grace of God that a congregation is permitted to gather visible in this world to share God's Word and sacrament. Not all Christians receive this blessing. -- Bonhoeffer, Life Together.

Alone my perspective seems broad and wise, but within community can I truly understand. Particularly in the area of discernment, the value of being with one another and seeking the mind of Jesus in a matter yields a confidence in hearing and therefore in living not otherwise known.

Additionally, alone my tendency is to wander off of God's path for me and for the ministry. Within the context of a loving community where there is safety, I can be vulnerable enough to be honest and receptive enough to be corrected that transformation can result.

Finally, knowing that I have this kind of community available to me gives me confidence to enter the world speaking truth and living a life conveying love. My acceptance and sense of belonging does not come from the world making me free to live and move as me. And this is good, yielding a confidence in my God working in and through me otherwise not known.

Thank you Jesus for this gift. Cause me to never take it for granted, and to always extend this gift to others as the opportunity is presented.

An open door (75/100)

2010-09-08T22:48:00.000-04:00

I see what you've done. Now see what I've done. I've opened a door before you that no one can slam shut. You don't have much strength, I know that; you used what you had to keep my Word. You didn't deny me when times were rough. Revelation 3:8 (The Message)

Each day this week is about openly owning the vision and longings You have placed in me.

Today with little skill of communication and greater ineptitude than I realized I had there was another conversation of sharing about this developing ministry. Despite all of my lack, the invitation and even challenge for moving forward was extended. Challenged to create greater clarity of services and processes. Invitation to continue doing the background research but going beyond literature reviews and engaging individuals and organizations in conversations of inquiry.

Where before those I looked to responded with resistance, opposition, and even discouragement, now these individuals are showing me a door that is being swung wide for continuing pursuit.

Thank You, Jesus, for the way that You have prepared. Hearing Your voice, sensing Your touch, leaning into You as You guide me in Your way unto Your purposes.

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." Isaiah 30:21 NIV

Evidence of impact, influence, and change (74/100)

2010-09-07T23:55:00.018-04:00

When it seems that the work I am doing is having little impact, God graciously gives me the opportunity to see things from His perspective.

Meeting with the mentors from SCORE was very encouraging. They advised me that much of what is needed to complete a business plan is already included in our strategic plan. It just needs to be re-ordered or appropriately expanded. Their advice was specific and confirmed our process for seeking counsel from those who have gone before us. They even offered the possibility for individual help if we can't arrange for making the training classes they offer.

Work today was over the top in volume to be accomplished. Yet, in the midst of the day, the gratitude of several of my patients, despite my tardiness in getting to them, displayed the influence I have had in their lives.

Finally, the influence of transformation was evident in me when time after time the schedule was too much, the tasks were too many, the computer equipment continued to fail, and yet, I remained calm taking things one after another. Keeping an attitude of presence -- both being present with all of my patients, even those who displayed their frustration, and the sense of Your presence as I moved through the day.

Thank You, Jesus, for peace and provision.

Learning to ask, learning to trust (73/100)

2010-09-06T23:55:00.004-04:00

Whether we like it or not, asking is the rule of the Kingdom. -- C. H. Spurgeon

Do you know why the mighty God of the universe chooses to answer prayer? It is because his children ask. God delights in our asking. He is pleased in our asking. His heart is warmed by our asking. -- R. Foster

I happen to be reading in Foster's book on prayer the section on petitionary prayer today as I prepare to meet with the mentors from SCORE tomorrow. Asking seems easier to do with God than other people. With God, He knows I am helpless and lacking. Other people? Well?

I like to look competent and asking reveals my incompetence and need. Sounds like the issue is pride, huh? I guess it is. Perhaps this is part of why asking is a rule of the Kingdom as Spurgeon states. It requires me to approach God in humility and need, but this rule doesn't just apply to my relationship with God. My need to display humility with others is even greater because it shows how well I understand my need for God. If I am to be a servant of God and others then I must be humble enough to ask for help. And this asking is of those who are Christ-followers and those who are not. For I am to be servant to all and therefore humble before all.

But there is more to asking others than just an issue of pride. I don't want to bother others, make them feel obligated to help, or guilty for not helping. If I cannot ask of others expecting God to answer through them, am I really trusting God? Again back to the issue of trust. I need to also trust God and others to determine when they help and when they don't, for whatever reason. I also need to give others a chance to live into all God has made them to be by allowing them the chance to live out their calling by helping me. And finally, as I've posted before, I need to not cheat them of an opportunity for them to join God in the work He is doing in and through me by failing to ask.

So, in humility, and trust, I ask you, if you are reading this post on 9/7, to pray as I ask for help. Pray that God will provide guidance and discernment and help as He sees is best in this ministry that He is creating..

Ordinary life (72/100)

2010-09-05T21:30:00.000-04:00

The ordinary -- the typical and unobtrusive aspects of life and ministry. In my current journey, this is reading books and articles seeking counsel for doing cross-cultural care and for organizational development, this is sending emails asking for help and corresponding with those providing it, this is praying, this writing, this is editing, this is . . .

. . . attempting in my small and unsophisticated way to do what the great artisans in the Middle Ages did when they carved the backside of a piece of art, knowing that God alone would see it. (Foster (1992), Prayer, p. 172)

Every aspect of this work is meant to honor You. Cause me to not forget this. Cause me to not neglect, disregard, or look down on the value and rhythm of the ordinary in my life and ministry.

Learning to extend grace to me (71/100)

2010-09-04T23:55:00.001-04:00

Continuing to struggle with my emotions. Unrealistic expectations for these times have surfaced today when my time is not my own and when I am physically not doing as well.

Trying to invest the time today eventually was possible when I began working on other less intense aspects. This feels like a lesson for the future. When this 100-day journey is through but I am still called to developing this ministry and living into Your calling on my life, I need to be gracious with myself. I need to recognize that everyday does not have to engage these things in the same way, and in fact, should not engage in the same way. There is, and will always be plenty to work on. As I am called to help others be to be gentle with themselves, so must I. There are rhythms of intensity in every work that must be lived in order to be most effective, most productive.

Lord, help me to set plans that are consistent with how You have made me -- realistic, real, grace-filled, resting into You.

Feelings of despondency, hints of Your hidden work (70/100)

2010-09-03T23:55:00.002-04:00

At the end of myself, what do I really have to offer? How can God use me? Will I trust Him? Though I see no strength or sufficiency in myself, can I hold onto His sufficiency and strength?

When fatigue and my need for rest and longing for You dims the normal brightness of my world, will I hold onto what I know is true?

Will I hold onto You?

In the midst of a lack of control over my schedule and as I try to be fully present to my family on this trip, these are my thoughts today as I engage this journey of intentionality. I remember that in the past when I have felt like this, You were in the midst of leading me into deeper experiences of You or greater revelation of my calling. It was almost as if the enemy knew this and was trying to get me to turn back just before the break of dawn. Could this be the case now?

Lord, I choose You, to hold onto You as You accomplish all that is needed. Give me the grace needed for these days.

Not so much (69/100)

2010-09-02T22:54:00.000-04:00

At times (really most of the time), just when I feel like I have an area of life down, something happens that reveals I may not have reached the level of growth anticipated. Has this happened to you?

Beginning to own my vision for cross-cultural worker care in a more public way, means laying everything out there for others to critique and even criticize. Choosing to engage this exercise first with those I trust today meant letting a friend I respect here what I have planned. His comments were both encouraging and a bit frustrating. Encouraging because he validated the need, my giftings, and the potential this has for influence. Frustrating because after so much time spent on choosing a name, he challenged whether this is the best fir for us and what we are doing. Specifically, he commented that it does not convey the level of professionalism that we possess or intend to apply to this issue of cross-cultural worker care. And I see where he is coming from and realizing that he may be right.

But the bigger point for me was the internal resistance to his comment. I thought I was holding this all loosely where God can take it and shape it as He wants. Not so much, huh?

My grip has tightened. My ownership has grown. Without me recognizing it, the work has been becoming mine; yet, it is not. This is Your work, Jesus. Every aspect of it, even the name. And through Your methods in the context of the community that is Your body You will accomplish all You desire for Your people.

And so, now after two years of waiting, am I willing to relax again into You with this issue of a name? To sit with this again in order to be sure that this is You I am hearing and not me pressing forward on my on?

Yes, in Your grace and power.

Rest.

Wait.

Listen.

Relax again into Your embrace.

Moving in the flow? (68/100)

2010-09-01T21:15:00.000-04:00

Where yesterday I felt Your hand in the small of my back pressing me forward, today has felt like I'm running in Your flow. Moving from one role to the next with ease and rest. Spending time today preparing for the next week of interactions you have created for me to continue to move this ministry forward.

I sit here in awe of You. Just a few days ago I was wondering what I was going to fill these hours with each day, but content with the progress made in this journey of discovery and in developing this organization. Look at all of this You are making possible, and all I have to do is walk with You. Amazing!

Help me, Lord, to rely on You and trust You as well in this class I am taking. Give me the focus and insight to prepare this advocacy piece that You have called us to while I engage this material. I know this is Your heart for those going cross-culturally; otherwise, I wouldn't be in this ministry. However, I really don't understand this class and how all of this fits together. Jesus, provide clarity of thought, understanding, and expression.

I find it so easy to work on the planning and programming development. But You have shown me that where these things are at is sufficient. I have done all that I need to do until I meet with the various people over these next two weeks.

My resistance in this case feels different than a few days ago. This feels like avoidance, maybe, even rebellion.

I see myself acting like a spoiled brat of a child who is defiantly saying, "Enough! I'm ready for summer, and I don't care that there are still weeks of school left."

O, God, give me the grace needed to connect with Your heart beat in these assignments. Cause me to continue to grow in trust in this process as well, to trust that through and in this class (that has become so frustrating to me), You are present. You are active. You are good.

Are we still moving? (67/100)

2010-08-31T23:55:00.001-04:00

Over these last days, I have sensed a hand in my back pressing me forward as I lean back. Moving forward but with hesitancy not really resistance.

This has come as the work has seemed to slow and even stall. Having essentially finished the strategic plan, I've been trying to move into getting the business plan done. This has happened with an internal resistance.

This has cause me to consider whether when I am resistant to working on something, it is not about me being unfocused, unintentional, or lazy. Maybe it is an internal check that is there to remind me that the area is something in which I don't excel, something I need to involve others, or the timing is not right.

I was considering this in my time this morning as I decided to set this aside and work on other things. Although I had easily 2-3 hours of space in my morning schedule fatigue (and maybe a bit of discouragement) won out. And so, after a morning nap I headed to work.

Three responses to emails I sent yesterday, and an additional resource sent to me from a friend, has demonstrated that although I thought activity was slowing, God has been at work, and we have actually been moving though I could not perceive it.

Unexpectedly various contacts have been made or re-established to keep things moving. That which I am not as skilled as has now several potential points of assistance established. More evidence of the trust walk this journey is.

Thank you Jesus for Your guiding touch that compels me onward with You.

Learning in the small things (66/100)

2010-08-30T21:18:00.001-04:00

Today has been about the little things. I'm reminded of the following verse:
The phone calls, emails, schedules, Google searches, and the like.

Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. -- Mt 25:23

Inputting appointments and schedules in the trusted BB and having them disappear within the next hour when I go back to add another appointment.

Looking all over the SCORE website for the York area group and finding nothing on non-profits despite hearing from others that this is one of the best organizations to find reasonable help.

Reading the materials again from my current class and still not understanding how this can help me develop a presentation or plan to advocate for cross-cultural workers.

The little things that ought to work but don't serve to test my growth edge of trust. Am I willing to trust Jesus when it feels like I'm just spinning my wheels and making no progress? Will I allow these kinds of things to frustrate me to the point of anger?

Will I choose to pray when I feel these things begin to grow inside of me? Will I choose to release all of this though I do not understand Your ways but know Your heart? Thankfully for this last one the answer is an absolute, "Yes." Thankfully, I am learning to turn to you sooner and that this is another aspect of resting in You in this journey and in life.

A continuing need (65/100)

2010-08-29T22:17:00.000-04:00

On my Sabbath days during this 100-day journey, I have tried to engage in activities that are less like work (though seldom does any of this feel like work). The strategic plans, business development, and even programming are laid down for a day. Leaving with intention these things are placed in the hands of Jesus to hold for a day.

Today this has taken the form of starting a new book to read for fun. I have been wanting to read more about and stuff from Amy Carmichael. She seems like an amazing woman who served as a missionary at the turn of the last century in Asia. In searching Google Books (My favorite new source for reading materials because its FREE.), I ran across her book, Things as They Are (1906).

In this book, Carmichael depicts the reality of the response of the people of southern India to the Gospel. Commentators on her book state similar things as the following:

This book... meets a real need -- it depicts a phase of mission work of which, as a rule, very little is heard. Every missionary can tell of cases where people have been won for Christ, and mention incidents of more than passing interest.... the danger is... the impression should be given that they represent the normal state of things, the reverse being the case. (p. vi)

At the beginning of the first chapter a missionary to India and Arabia states, "There is too little desire to know what is the actual state of mission work in India, and a regard to the showy and attractive rather than to the solid and practical" (p.1).

And so, if this is how it was in the early 1900s, how is it now? How pressured do our current cross-cultural workers feel obliged to share the good and diminish the struggles both in the work and in their own lives? This speaks to the motivation for our ministry of Resilience. Our goals include individualized care because each person is unique with their own story that needs space and safety to be told, and unique pains and struggles that merit a personal response.

Will any of these personal aspects be revealed in this book? Only continued reading will show this. However, the generalized support from the mission community of the time when this book was first published certainly testifies to a very human state that is likely still present today as captured by another commentator:

That [Amy Carmichael] has painted a dark picture... cannot be denied, but... I rejoice that she had the courage to do what was so much needed, and yet, what so many of us shrank from doing. (p. v)

Lord, cause us to not deny the truth pushing it to either side, but cause us to create a place of safety for our brothers and sisters to be real in the context of a loving community interested in God's work being accomplished in and through them as unique gifts to this world.

Considering the structure and the heart (64/100)

2010-08-28T23:55:00.001-04:00

Considering today the issues surrounding governance. Sensing (but not really knowing) that this needs to look one way at an organization’s founding and another after it is established I find myself continuously trying to see things through these two perspectives.

Order and structure, accountability and faithfulness, these are our goals. These are also the case as board structure, strategic plans, business plans, and other such administrative structures are considered. These feel like framing of a building or the skeleton of the body, but the heart, the life is discernment. The following is from our current plan for practicing discernment as a community.

Our intention as a community is to respond from a place of discerning and distinguishing God’s will and leading. Moving forward “on the basis of discernment rather than human planning” is accomplished in our life together as leaders, by being grounded in prayer and the other spiritual practices. We therefore maintain our commitment to scripture, silence, solitude, listening to God and each other, worship, intercession, self-examination, and confession as the underpinning for the discernment process.

We see discernment as a core value of our community. Because we long to have a shared sense of God’s desire and leading, this process is for those decisions that shape our identity, values, policies and direction as a community. Therefore having an attitude of discernment continually is our intent individually, but as a practice, discernment is to be engage only for these types of significant decisions.

One of the defining characteristics of spiritual community is a shared commitment to move forward on the basis of discernment rather than human planning and strategic maneuvering.

-- Ruth Haley Barton, Strengthen the Soul of Your Leadership

Broken to be useful (63/100)

2010-08-27T23:55:00.002-04:00

Laying this work and this journey into Jesus' hands to hold this evening at the first Contemplative Coffee Bar, I moved more deeply into my desire for You in the context of community.

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. -- 2 Cor 4:7 (NLT)

Melody Hogan's A vessel He can use

Fragile clay jar = that which is near breaking, nearly shattered, yet, still held together

You have chosen to not destroy me but to hold me together -- why? Why not let it be all of You? Why not remove me completely so that Your glory might shine unhindered?

But You have chosen not to remove me, instead You hold me ever so delicately together tho' near shattering, collapsing, falling into a heap of dust.

Displaying Your glory so that others can see You -- the contrast of my darkness making greater Your glory appear.

This great treasure, this marvelous light,

shining in me, shining past me,

others looking in my direction, but seeing You,

only You in Your blinding glory.

Fragile, even broken in spots, spilling out its contents. This jar, unable to hold it in, but in Your economy, the most useful, not the least. I am meant to spill out You as I am carried along in Your work.

Made to be who I am -- fragile, easily broken, dependent on the glue of You holding me together -- every flaw existing with purpose, great purpose in contrast and in releasing.

This is us, all of us, not just me.

Living, existing with purpose that the world cannot see. For a pot or a jar is to hold its contents, but we are made to spill out our contents lavishly onto all we touch and all we meet.

Still growing (62/100)

2010-08-26T22:31:00.000-04:00

Too often, I start when praying out in a cry for help, "O, God, I can't do this without You. . . "

The fact is that I can't do anything without You. I can't even take a single breath without You filling my lungs with Your breath of life. Am I reminding myself of this when I start a prayer in this way? I think so. This prayer surfaces like a geyser from deep inside of me in times of overwhelming struggle and feelings of powerlessness. When I am spent, when I have exhausted myself in trying to make everything work, when all I want to do is quit, it is then that this cry bursts forth.

When am I going to get it? This is not my work, it is Yours. None of it. Not my job situation, school, finances, ministry, family, friends, or even me.

This 100-day journey is about growing in trust, and again today, I am reminded of my need to do just that. I am challenged by the following song from Relient K to not underestimate the work You are doing in me through all of this.

For the Moments I Feel Faint

Am I at the point of no improvement? What of the death I still dwell in?

I try to excel, but I feel no movement. Can I be free of this unreleasable sin?

Never underestimate my Jesus. You're telling me that there's no hope.

I'm telling you you're wrong. Never underestimate my Jesus

When the world around you crumbles He will be strong, He will be strong

I throw up my hands, "Oh, the impossibilities!"

Frustrated and tired. Where do I go from here?

Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly

Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fear

Never underestimate my Jesus. You're telling me that there's no hope.

I'm telling you you're wrong. Never underestimate my Jesus

When the world around you crumbles He will be strong, He will be strong

I think I can't, I think I can't, but I think you can. I think you can.

Gather my insufficiencies and place them in your hands, place them in your hands, place them in your hands.

For the Moments I Feel Faint -- Relient K

What if (61/100)

2010-08-25T22:54:00.001-04:00

Feeling a bit overwhelmed this evening. It seems like with every layer of development written I find multiple other ones surfacing that need more detail. It feels like peeling away the layers of an onion but from the inside rather than the outside. (Hard to imagine, I know, but hang with me in this.) Its like taking out the core and then trying to remove each successive layer toward the outside. Each layer is bigger and denser and more likely to spray that tear-inducing fluid into the air and my eyes. More and more to be developed, considered, and lived into.

With each line of increasing detail of this plan that I am writing, the magnitude of this vision seems to grow. The potential comments of others reading this can't help but be to say that this is impossible. Deb, no one can do all of this.

Maybe the voice of discouragement in my head is right? This is too big, too much for us, to much for me.

The vision is for individualized care. Maybe we can't do this for a business or agency, maybe not even for a church. Maybe all that we can do is provide this for one single cross-cultural worker. And if that is the case, is that enough? Will I, will we, have invested our time and talents well if only one worker is influenced to live and minister with resilience?

Would all this work be worth it?

Would God be pleased?

I am compelled to say, "Yes!"

I cannot know the end from the beginning of this thing. Perhaps God will grant us influence with many, fulfilling the breadth of my vision, but perhaps there will only be one. But if there is only one, then in this too God knows His purposes beyond what I understand.

What if no one is influenced, no one is helped, none of this materializes?
I will need more time to pray and consider this, but I feel that even in this I can hold onto God's character that is present, active and still good. I will know that He is still intimately involved in my life, in our lives, and in the lives of all of those serving across this world. Even in this case, we are not abandoned, we are not forsaken.

And so, although overwhelmed with all that I have vision for and all of the details still to be expressed, I can rest. Although living into all of this may appear to be far beyond mine and our abilities, none of this is beyond You. All I am to do is lean and rest into You allowing You to guide and direct, love and nurture each of us in our journeys.

Reminded of purpose (60/100)

2010-08-24T23:26:00.000-04:00

Fatigue in general and frustration with my current class on Advocacy is resulting in poor engagement into this learning opportunity. To pursue this as a class that needs to be completed is where I have been today as I have been forcing myself to just do the work.

Frustrated and irritated. Reminded to pray. Crying out for help to get the work done. Crying out for meaning and purpose in this.

Gently reminded that advocacy is part of my bent. Speaking for the voiceless was my role in my family. All through medical school and residency I engaged the process of crafting public policy and advocating for patients and for change in the healthcare system. My intent was to work within the system to make things better. Then faced with the overwhelming reality of being in practice, I lost hope of anything ever changing.

But even prior to this, I began to sense that my role as an advocate in the future would be within a different setting. As I previously posted, I unexpectedly found my voice again as an advocate in my final assignment I will be doing for this class. (Somehow I had forgotten about this until I offered this situation in prayer today.)

I remembered that I need to learn this material (as best I can) for the sake of living out not only my own calling but also leading our ministry in expressing our fifth core strategy.

We will enhance awareness to the needs of the cross-cultural worker within their church, agency, and/or business. As we promote awareness of the needs of cross-cultural workers, we will take opportunities to engage supporting churches, agencies, and businesses in the work of individualized, holistic care of their personnel. Our hope is that with time, there will develop an increasingly contagious commitment to caring for our brothers and sisters who are stepping out into the hard places of the world displaying the glory of Christ regardless of their financial supporting mechanism.

Lord, grant that I might learn well those aspects of this class that have meaning and purpose for Your work through me though I don't see all the connections. Give me clarity of mind and renew in me a teachable spirit. As with this journey, so also in this class, I don't want to miss being with You, experiencing You, moving through this place of struggle leaning into You, Your presence, Your movements.

When there is nothing left (59/100)

2010-08-23T23:20:00.000-04:00

Trying to do the reading in anticipation for my class tonight, listening to the discussion, seeing a powerpoint presentation -- fatigue, the influence of a long day, recently consumed coffee found to be less than effective. "I just want this to be over so I can sleep."

Knowing that I still had another hour to give to this journey and absolutely unable to imagine how I will do it.

And then, . . .

prayer. asking. gracious provision.

Suddenly, my mind is fresh. Continuing to consider revisions of the strategic plan. Continuing programming development. Consideration of the many details I previously laid out and now trying to stay aware of how they fit into the programming and organizational development as currently outlined. Not exactly easy things to consider much less do when so tired.

When I can't go on, You provide. When I can't think straight, You think for me. When there is nothing left, You are there. How can I not trust a God so intimately responsive to my needs and honoring of my heart to live all He has for me?

Desire reassured (58/100)

2010-08-22T22:31:00.000-04:00

Today helping another organization as its leaders are establishing their ministry gave me the chance to briefly share how I feel our organization can support their work. After explaining just a small point of our programming plans, the person I was speaking to commented, "It's obvious that this is your passion."

I can't help it. When I speak about this work, my passion bleeds through in every word.
And everywhere I look, especially within my church, I see the potential for integrating resources in this area.

Engaging in this activity and then in this daily journey of intentionality, my impatience again surfaced. I want to spend all my time doing this. O, God, when will this be possible!

Immediately there was an internal check, and a prayer of desire surfaced, "Lord, help me rest into you as I wait."

Faithfully preparing,
living daily into calling,
continuing to grow in awareness of You,
hearing Your reassuring voice speaking with calmness,
"Just wait. My timing is best. Your vision will be realized for I gave it to you."

Freedom to release (57/100)

2010-08-21T23:29:00.001-04:00

Reminded of the cost of the freedoms I enjoy as I visited the Liberty Bell, Independence Hall, and the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier in Philly with some friends who were visiting from Texas.
Reminded also that although rest and peace and holding myself and others without expectations has become a part of my life, there are significant friends for whom this kind of walk doesn't make sense. At the minimum, they see me not making sense, at the worst as captured by heresy.

I so easily forget the privilege it is to engage in the level of community I do these days. The freedom to live fully into all God has made me to be flows out of this community dynamic. This confirms the need for us in this ministry to cross-cultural workers to do what we can to create such a community of safety for them so that they can live into their calling as God has meant for them.

There is so much freedom in a life of trust in God's love and goodness. I don't have to fix every one's lives or ministries or doctrines. I can trust God to be God and join Him in His work as He gives opportunity, but He is the one doing the fixing. Lord, grow my friends and family in the experience of Your love and the freedom it brings to dwell in this place of confident intimacy with You.

Being me (56/100)

2010-08-20T22:24:00.000-04:00

A continuing sense of rest and anticipation is energizing my work on the organization and awareness in my journey. There is also a growing contentment with who I am and how God has made me. In my time this morning I took noteof my role as a nuturer -- one who promotes and sustains the growth and development of another.
In the MBTI, this is a description of an ISFJ; however, I am an INTP/INFP, a mix between the Thinker and the Idealist. Yet, in function as a sister, daughter, physician, mentor, and now developer of a member care organization, I am a nurturer.

This is not a role I previously embraced, but I think this had (and still sometimes still has) to do with the platforms I was being boxed into. Now in this place of living into my calling as God has meant for me to live, I am comfortable wearing this and other roles with a freedom and sense of space I have not previously known.

My experiences along this journey of intentionality and calling are growing my passion for everyone to have the privilege of living fully into all God has made them to be.

There is nothing better! Everyone should do this!

Yet, I also know from my own experience that this was not possible for me until I moved into an ongoing love relationship with Jesus. I was a Christian who had been changed by the Gospel; yet, it was not until five years ago that I finally got it. God, the God of the universe, loves me!

The reality of this radically transformed everything for me. Now, the more I am convinced in the moment by moment of my life that he loves me, I grow to trust his presence that will never leave, his character of goodness that will never change, and his ongoing activity that is orchestrating mine and each person's experiences to manifest his glory. Because of all of this I can engage this journey and long for this for every person that exists.

O, Jesus, continue to love us unto the freedom of being who you have made us to be.

Feeling loved (55/100)

2010-08-19T23:03:00.000-04:00

There are just some days when you feel a bit more loved than others (and because of this more lovely). This has been one of those for me. What made this the case today is multifaceted.

Some of it is being engaged in places of influence for the Kingdom.

I began my day with a group of people committed to seeing God change the city of York by influencing the lives of children and their families through education and the power of a loving, spiritual community. What a privilege to serve with them.

Moving from this setting to caring for patients from ages five to 86 demonstrated to me the potential within my profession to influence across the span of life. Encouraging the development of a child into all God has called him to be despite any apparent obstacles or providing counsel for living life to the end with dignity, strength, and personal influence.

Some of it is the love of others in their gifts of provision and themselves.

Receiving a gift of care from some of my friends was an additional place unique to today. This demonstrated to me the way my friends see me and that caring for the external can reduce the hindrances of expressing the internal work of God in my life.

Continuing my day having the chance to see members of my adopted family from Texas who have come to visit. This reminded me of the value I add to others lives not just now as I am living more fully into my calling but through the years as well.

And some of it is the privilege of calling and expression.

Finally, being here concluding this days work on this journey into calling and specifically refining the presentation of our strategic plan for launching Relevant Resilience. That God would give me this vision and then grant me the privilege of living into it is amazing.

And then there is now. Posting to this blog where others engaging in their own journeys perhaps are finding encouragement from mine.

Grateful in love. Satisfied in His embrace.

Holding on (54/100)

2010-08-18T22:19:00.000-04:00

I am sensing a gentle press to get ready. I'm not sure what God is up to, but there is something He's preparing.

This evening I'm returning to previous work to update and enhance the various presentations of our history, strategic plan, structure, governance, programming, etc. The level of increasing detail and clarity I have now compared to a year ago when I first wrote this material is amazing.

This exercise prompts me to pause and reflect on the journey since August of 2008 when God spoke to my heart unifying a vision for holistic care of the cross-cultural worker in the context of community. Joining with two friends with expertise in psychology and spiritual formation, we began with a day of discernment seeking God's direction for us individually and as an organization. Continuing in this rhythm of bi-annual retreat and regular meetings, we have steadily progressed. Along the way, God has steadily added skills and details through various people and through my classes as I have pursued a program in organizational leadership. However, by May of this year I was feeling frustrated and distracted by all of the other responsibilities of life, work, family, and ministry.

Within this context I engaged by faith this journey of 100-days. The result has been a huge leap forward in the development of this ministry and organization and in my own trust relationship with Jesus.

On some days in fatigue, I come home ready to fall into bed at 7pm. Ready to let this go.

But in the same way I cannot walk away from the vision God has given me for missionary care; I cannot walk away from this journey. To walk away and stop now would mean missing something God has for me. I want His best for me in everyway. I want more of Him. O, God, continue to give me the grace needed for all you have for me yet to be unveiled.

Together we grow (53/100)

2010-08-17T21:17:00.000-04:00

The value of community is increasingly evident. Today particularly, I was reminded of this in spiritual direction and in a time of seeking counsel from those who have gone before us in this realm of starting a ministry.

This has occurred after being challenged this weekend by my professor that doing community at the leadership level is not an easy prospect. Yet, I am absolutely convinced that this is God's intention, at least for us. Because of this, we have begun and will continue to function out of this context. It is part of who we are as an organization and ministry. Our community covenant captures this in the following statements:

Our intention is to gather as an authentic spiritual community around the person of Jesus, growing together in love, being intentional about spiritual transformation and committed to discerning the will of God in our lives and as a community. We make a commitment to the following community activities:

deepening personal intimacy with Jesus through consistent and intentional practice of such disciplines as prayer, silence, solitude, lectio divina, study, and seeking spiritual guidance as ways of keeping us open and surrendered to the work of the Spirit
growing self-awareness in our giftedness, callings, longings with God, frailties, and dark-side issues
nurturing relationships with each other by increasing intimacy through vulnerability and transparency, creating a place of safety in which to share, and speaking the truth with love and grace
helping protect our limits by establishing healthy boundaries and growing awareness of when to say, “No."
continuously seeking God’s will together by growing in our understanding and practice of discernment as a community
creating a rhythm of rest, retreat, and renewal through biannual weekend retreat as a community (1/2 time for personal retreat and ½ time being attentive to God’s voice for the community)

It is our desire and conviction that although the ministry is important, the purpose for us is to grow in intimacy with Jesus, and as we do so, the ministry will flow out of that relationship. Those who then have a desire for this will be drawn to join us, and God will manifest to them (and us) how they will contribute to the fulfilling of the ministry.

O. Lord, gather together those of us who will fulfill Your heart's desire of caring for Your people serving unto Your glory in the harder places of this world.

Another aspect of trust (52/100)

2010-08-16T21:53:00.000-04:00

Surprised to find that lessons from my policy class apply to our work. In the same way that good public policy involves developing outcomes rooted in the needs of the people, I believe that good member care involves identifying and providing for the self-professed and objective needs of the cross-cultural worker.

Perhaps this is my bias toward our methodology, but it seems that the Church or agency or anyone can only presume to know the needs of a person. If programming is not individualized, how can we expect to be as effective as needed or as God has equipped us to be in the care of people.

Although this is my bias toward individualization of care, I daily struggle to release what I think is best for another person based on my experience or knowledge as a physician (or mentor or spiritual director). My contributions are possible, and sometimes even helpful, when I operate from this habit. However, if I desire the best for others and not just good or better then I need to continue to learn to offer my help, advice, and counsel humbly remembering that the person I am attempting to minister to can hear from God for their own needs better than I will ever be able to.

Likewise, I need to remember that God is God and I am not. He is more than capable to get his message through, and sometimes he evens chooses to use me.

This knowing when to speak and when to be silent feels like this journey of calling that I have recently been living. Presumption results when I move on my own. Influencing counsel occurs when I am resting into You, Lord. It is Your subtle movements, Your soft words, the gentle nudge of Your touch that guide me best in my own walk and in helping others. This habit of presuming I know what is best in a given circumstance for a given person, or presuming I know the best path for achieving the desired outcome, is rooted in my own self-centeredness.

Jesus, keep me out of the way with my gaze fixed on You thereby available as an unhindering conduit for Your influence in the lives of others.

Willing to ask; willing to wait (51/100)

2010-08-15T22:12:00.000-04:00

Wow! More than halfway through these days already!!

Presenting my proposal for advocacy work in promoting holistic care of cross-cultural workers today for my cohort and professor was sufficient to cause me to pause in amazement of God's gracious provision. Sharing with them the work you have done over the last year was totally cool! A name, mission and vision statements, details of programming plans, my growing passion for advocating and serving the greater work of reaching this world with the Gospel by equipping those caring for the worker on the frontlines.

Then on top of this today You demonstrated that You are working to create connections that I could have never imagined. It appears that through my professor's church there may be an opportunity to implement our concepts of care for their short-term teams.

My desire to give myself fully to this work contiues to grow.

The hindrances (primarily fiscal) that keep me from this tear at my heart. Am I willing to ask here also? Lord, would You set me free? Is this too much to ask? Am I asking too soon? Can I trust You that it is okay to ask? Can I trust You to answer?

O, Lord, You know my desires for You have placed them there. Show me how to hold these with open hands trusting Your ways. Cause me to rest into You in the waiting.

Asking (50/100)

2010-08-14T22:12:00.000-04:00

Being led lately to ask, trust, and see what God does. So, yesterday when faced with the assignment for my new class (Advocacy and Human Rights), I decided to ask the seemingly impossible. "Lord, could you work it out for me to do something for this advocacy policy development assignment that fits with what we are doing for this ministry?"

Then in trust, I asked my professor, and today, he said that he clearly sees how my concern for cross-cultural workers represents advocacy for an under-represented group, and certainly fits the parameters of the assignment.

Huh? How about that? The class that seemed to fit the least with what you have called me to in this program has been made to fit.

It's really not that hard. You say you tell me to ask. I ask. You answer. I live into what you have planned for me.

Lord, continue to give me the grace to trust, to follow your lead knowing that you have planned the way before me.

Engaging the common (49/100)

2010-08-13T21:01:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I have to just do the ordinary stuff, and that is what today has been in this journey. Making such recent progress and ready to expand on the themes developed in these areas makes it hard to divert my attention to the more routine tasks. Necessity today forced this to happen.

Frustration at such basic things reminded me of the lessons from yesterday. I soon found myself grateful for the time and provision of the appropriate and working equipment to handle such routine things. I was also reminded that it is being faithful in these small, basic things that keep us moving toward the goal.

Steady, step-by-step movement is really all that is required at this point in this ministry, and in the larger work God is doing in me to transform me into his image. There are days obviously in this, like yesterday, where I wonder if I am moving at all since the progress is so incremental. The issue is not what I see, but the fact that You are doing a work and from your perspective everything is progressing on schedule. Hold me close during these times, Jesus, continuing in responsive awareness of you.

Learning to ask (48/100)

2010-08-12T22:37:00.000-04:00

Anger. Violence. A fist pounding into the desk in front of me. . . . my fist. So, much frustration over a computer not working, AGAIN! I'm just trying to get done at work so I can do the stuff that really matters. And over and again stuff doesn't work. But this is not how it should be. I am not how I should be.

Again and again you have been speaking to me to pray. And again, I don't. Why?

Considering this on my 2-hour drive to Philly for my class today. Reminded that you want me to ask, to ask you, to ask you specifically. I couldn't remember the place I'm going to in order to Mapquest it. Silly as it is this comes to mind, and so I take you at your word,. I pray, and immediately the name is in my mind. Simple prayers like this have been scattered through this week, each with a specific answer. Yet, when I should have most been praying, it never crossed my mind to even go there. Lord, change me. Prompt me to pray for your help and intervention at the first sign of frustration, before I explode.

For this ministry, increasingly, I sense the need to pray. And so, as I consider this on my drive, I ask myself, "Why don't I?" When I do pray, my prayers tend to be general, not at all specific; again, why?

Trying to spend part of the time praying for this developing ministry, I found it difficult to be specific. Eventually, I asked Jesus to tell me what to pray for. And He answered:

"Where does this hesitancy come from; you know what you need, what you want? Deb, ask. Why are you afraid to ask, Me?"

"Lord, what if I'm wrong and ask for the wrong thing?"

"Can you not trust Me to handle that?"

"But then how do I pray expectantly with faith if I am doubting that what I am praying for is right?"

"Don't doubt, trust, and pray. Know that what I am putting on your heart is right and true. Ask. Remember James 4:2, 'You do not have because you do not ask.' and Matthew 7:7, 'Ask, and it will be given to you.' Don't let fear stop you. I want to give you your requests. Trust Me to answer specifically, rightly. Lay it all before Me. Be specific. Know that I hear and am waiting in anticipation, in giddy expectancy to answer you. I want to show Myself strong and real in and through you and in all you dream of."

"Wow! You really want me to ask like that? You're waiting for me to ask already with everything in place to answer? O, how extravagant is Your love for me. How can I not give You the chance to be You? How can I not ask? And so, Lord, give me . . . .

Rest, peace, love (47/100)

2010-08-11T23:13:00.000-04:00

Beginning this day holding these same things in open hands -- holding not releasing nor grasping -- Rest and peace.

Your love for me reaches further than I can imagine and without wavering. I can depend on you -- your goodness is without shadow and is extended graciously to me. You are my protector from all harm. You take pleasure in me and give me good things, all good things. You are the source, my source of all of life and illumination. I know you will not cease to love me. -- Psalm 36:5-10

A holy indifference that is freeing of mind and emotions resulting in steady progress in this journey, in programming development for Resilience, and in the completion of my class assignments (a day before they're due, for the first time in more than 14 months of this program).

When you think your life is shattered
And there's no way to be fixed again
Love heals your heart
At a time you least expected
You're alive like you have never been
Love heals your heart

"Love heals your heart" -- Third day

http://www.google.com/search?q=love+heals+your+heart&rls=com.microsoft:en-us:IE-SearchBox&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&sourceid=ie7&rlz=1I7GGLL_en

Contrasting ways of indifference (46/100)

2010-08-10T23:25:00.000-04:00

A breakthrough today in organizational and ministry development for Resilience:
Out of my desire to focus on being rather than doing and to maintain an integral approach while staying aware of the sub-themes of wholeness, the programming for the care of short-term cross-cultural workers came together. But in this, knowing that I cannot give myself fully to this work, I found frustration and impatience. Thus, progress from an idea to reality is contrasted with my continuing need to grow in trust, to wait with patience, to hold the timing of this in an open hand without grasping onto my own expectations.

Difficulty in preparation for my next class as the deadlines for the papers and presentation are now within two days:
Fatigue, dullness of mind, and lack of understanding the assignments have combined today to create anxiety and apathy. A paralyzing combination that brought to mind the lesson from two days ago of pausing to pray. As I did so, I sensed God saying to me:
I want you to hold this, too, in an open hand. In the same way you cannot grasp the ministry I have given you and force it to come sooner; you cannot release this program, class, or assignments, and make them go away sooner. I have placed this in your hand to hold in this time for reasons that are good. I am present with you in this, trust me here, too. Know that I am actively working; though you don't see the connections, the reasons, or the purposes I have in mind.

In both circumstances, know that my ways are not your ways, but still in both of these, I am present, active, and good.

Remaining at your pace (45/100)

2010-08-09T21:36:00.000-04:00

Reminded today that step by step this organization will be established. Repeatedly reminded to wait rather than running ahead just for the sake of movement. Pressing into things rather than walking the path laid before me will only result in frustration.

Learning to be as I try to help others identify how they can learn to be. Not really an expert, huh? Although this is congruent with our core value of Integral wholeness -- comprehensively whole in Christ; not perfect, but perfectly broken in Jesus for His use; displaying resilience in all areas of life achieving continual relevance.

Again it is about trust and about walking into my desires. A quote of A.W. Tozer from The Pursuit of God was significant today --

Come near to the holy men and women of the past and you will soon feel the heat of their desire after God. They mourned for Him, they prayed and wrestled and sought for Him day and night, in season and out, and when they had found Him the finding was all the sweeter for the long seeking.

And then the following song set things in perspective as well.

Whatever you're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving into something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
Whatever you're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly. . . . Sanctus Real

Jesus, continue your work, keep me at your side, moving at your pace, my attention fixed on you.

http://s0.ilike.com/play#Sanctus+Real:Whatever+You're+Doing+(Something+Heavenly):69045431:s26876828.9630967.3788994.0.2.38%2Cstd_5ccd595820864351b2fb70ec7c0a16d4

Being, doing, and resilience (44/100)

2010-08-08T23:20:00.000-04:00

As I continue to review the literature regarding member care, I find myself struggling again with the issues of doing and being.

My tendency to be performance driven flows naturally from my personality. Meeting expectations (my own and others) is a long habit, or should I say trying to meet those expectations because typically I would and could never measure up to the standard (perfection).

As I grew to understand that God accepts me regardless of my performance, I have grown to trust that it is not what I do that matters. I have learned to pursue excellence but to allow my best to be sufficient.

I have also learned that my expectations of myself, others, and circumstances can be just as crippling to my ability to function and relate to others, including God, as my drivenness for perfection used to be. This is where my journey into Ignatian Indifference has influenced me the most. I am learning to hold things in an open hand allowing God to establish my expectations in setting after setting.

As I am doing the current work to establish targets for care in the themes of holistic care, I find that I am creating lists of things that the missionary does or needs to do rather than areas of being. I see the most important thing as being not doing, and that doing ought to flow out of being.

But how does this express itself practically, particularly in this area of resilience? What does resilience in the cross-cultural worker look like? Or what are aspects of being, within each theme, make one resilient?

And more to the point on this Sabbath day, where am I still more concerned about what I do? Where in my life am I still displaying drivenness and am ruled by my own expectations of how things are to be? Where am I not resting in God's expectations and God's workmanship as expressed in me?

For we are God's [own] handiwork (His workmanship), recreated in Christ Jesus, [born anew] that we may do those good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for us [taking paths which He prepared ahead of time], that we should walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us to live]. Ephesians 2:10 (Amplified)

Even in pieces there is movement (43/100)

2010-08-07T23:44:00.001-04:00

On this day of the journey, it took the form of broken times of engagement.

fresh ideas

continuing clarity regarding our service to those who are working cross-culturally for the sake of the Gospel

the priority of the people we serve

death, loss, grief -- the reality that motivates

family, friends, belonging -- hints of future restoration

rest, hope, anticipation

grateful in Jesus

An equation of influence (42/100)

2010-08-06T22:21:00.000-04:00

Driving home today, the thought crossed my mind as I was passing a Rutter's, "I should just pull in here, grab a movie, and relax tonight." Perfectly appropriate thoughts after a long week and a 12-hour work day. The words of a friend came to mind from this week as he shared how when he gets home, he just wants to chill in front of the TV.

Perhaps this is what I will do in a few months when this journey is completed, but not this day. This is where I am, this is what I need to be doing. If I let it go now, I know I will miss something good.

Arriving home, after a meal that renewed my energy and clarity of thought, I sat down in front of my computer to continue processing some of the previous research I had found during my recent class. Although sufficient for the class, synthesizing the information into a usable form for us still needed to be done. Much to my amazement before I knew it, two-and-half hours had passed.

My friend asked me how I do it (not even knowing about my current journey). At the time, I didn't have an answer. Maybe I do now. A knowledge of God and of what He has made me for coupled with intentionality yields responsive actions to God's promptings. Another way to look at this is:

God is Good + God has made me for His purposes + intentionality = responsive choices + empowered actions

Priority moments (41/100)

2010-08-05T22:10:00.000-04:00

I heard a radio spot in the last few days that suggested frustrated, overwhelmed parents leave the chores and evening dishes to instead spend some time with their kids, investing in what really matters. The story prompted me to remember how frustrated I get trying to get everything done so I can invest in the things I care about. Actually, frustrated is an understatement because typically when I'm in this mode something doesn't work, or the Internet or my computer crashes, or . . . lots of not so spiritually transformed parts of my life reveal themselves.

What if I do more than I have done to this point to designate time each day for this journey, more than just scheduling the time in my BB calendar? What if I place this investment first in priority rather than after everything else is done? Practically speaking though, how will this work?

Looking at my typical work days this means getting up at 2:30 in order to engage my ultimate priority (relational investment with God) and then spend the planned two hours before being at work at 6:30. Not really feasible. So, until God grants me the freedom to do what I'm made for while generating an income, there must be a better way.

Perhaps the issue is prioritizing the incremental slices of time in each day. Choosing to invest the 30 minutes here and the 45 minutes there when it would seem easier and more efficient to work on the small doable projects on my list.

This feels like another aspect to being intentional where I look for the smaller opportunities to invest and not just the larger chunks. I hope that one day I will have more space in my schedule or that I will learn to create the needed space. However, as I was told a few days ago, there will never be enough time to do everything.

Lord, give me discernment in the moments of my days to choose to invest first in that which matters most to you and then to trust you (same theme) with the rest.

Reminders from the past (40/100)

2010-08-04T23:00:00.000-04:00

There have been plenty of times in the past where I have felt like I was blazing a trail ahead of Jesus until I was so entangled in all of the briers and underbrush that he had to come rescue me to get me back on the path he was cutting. There were other times when I was lagging so far behind that he kept looking back to see if I was still following and at times having to retrace his steps to bring me along the way. In both instances, he gave me what I needed to learn to trust him such that today I sense that I am walking with him.

The process to get me to this place most recently was influenced through a Shalem retreat where they were introducing their spiritual directors program. One of the women leading the processes they were modeling that day made a statement characterizing Jesus that settled deep into my soul like an acorn of a mighty oak tree planted deep in the soil, growing to influence not only my relationship with him but also how I view everything about him and even how I share him with those I influence. This was more than four years ago.

She stated that God is "present, active, and good." There is little else I remember from that day than those words.

This statement added perspective to the journey I had experienced the year prior to that day. That journey brought me from a love that was distant to an intimacy I never thought possible. I came to experience the goodness of God demonstrated even through the struggles and traumas of my past. The year-and-a-half following that retreat, demonstrated that God's presence takes many forms eventually leading me into a place often referred to as a dark night of the soul. In that place where senses became useless and the darkness so intense I was left without the ability to even move, my type-A personality was left with no other option than to be still, and to become quiet, until I could hear nothing but my own breathing in the intensity of the darkness. I could not see God or sense his presence in any respect, yet there was a deep knowing that he was there with me although everything spoke of his absence. In those days, the above statement carried me, actually cradled me as it became the only centering prayer that I could find solace in.

I mention these experiences, because today I am in a season of God's manifest activity. Because of these prior experiences, I have learned to rest into the feel of Jesus as we move. At times the pace is steady and comfortable, but ever moving onward. At other times, our pace would seem to make me panic at the speed were I to recognize it, but the fact is that I am quite oblivious to this. All I see is the next footfall, all I sense is his touch, my Jesus, my Lover-God, the One who is always present, always active, and always good.

God's ongoing work (39/100)

2010-08-03T23:16:00.000-04:00

Began reading again: Ministering Cross-Culturally: An incarnational model for personal relationship by Ligenfelter and Mayers.Coming back to books the way I have been doing lately makes the transformational changes in my life more evident.

The authors describe cross-cultural ministry as "any ministry in which one interacts with people who have grown up learning values and lifestyle patterns that are different from one's own." They go onto explain different aspects of culture and how we each become unique cultural beings. As ministers in a cross-cultural setting we need to do what Jesus did and be incarnational (i.e., displaying a willingness to begin to learn as if we are helpless children). They propose that this begins by recognizing our own cultural context (biases). They provide an assessment for determining this that gives an approximate representation of the motivations behind an individual's actions within his or her culture. The results are presented as contrasting traits with concurrent forces pulling in different but not necessarily opposite directions.

The traits presented are:

time orientation versus event orientation
task orientation versus person orientation
dichotomistic thinking versus holistic thinking
status focus versus achievement focus
crisis orientation versus non-crisis orientation
concealment of vulnerability versus willingness to expose vulnerability

Unfortunately, I do not have my previous results, but looking at my current ones makes me aware of the changes God has been at work performing in my life. Tendencies that were most likely present before are now woven deeply into who I am. Since my current journey is about living into who God has made me to be, these results bring greater clarity in understanding. But they also reveal why I struggle in some of my current circumstances where those with opposing traits try to press me into their orientations. Likewise, I think, when I am sensing internal tension it may be due to one of these opposing traits resisting my natural tendencies.

These thoughts cause me to pause and realize how as God is continually at work transforming me into the image of Christ; he is also in the process of developing and refining the expression of that transformation .

For now, this expression occurs in the context of one who is strongly person oriented, emphatically non-crisis oriented, absolutely willing to expose vulnerability, and completely holistic in thinking. This one however lives daily in the tension of status focus versus achievement focus while struggling also with the priority of time versus event. I'm sure none of these are surprises to my friends, but to me the strong presence of my dominate traits knowing the way I used to function serves as testimony to God's continuing grace at work in my life for this is how he has made me to be. (As I type this I realize to my dismay my bias.)

This internal check reminds me, however, that is not how he has made everyone. My reflexive response of viewing person orientation, vulnerability, and holistic thinking as THE way to be reveals my biases. The traits are neither good nor bad, they just are.The person who is task oriented, dichotomistic, and concealing by nature who is pursuing Jesus and expressing who he has made them to be is equally displaying God's glory and grace. It's just harder for me to see this through my own cultural lenses, but by God's grace and continuing work I will grow in this as well, displaying love to my brothers and sisters who operate from these differing traits.

On going lessons (38/100)

2010-08-02T23:56:00.000-04:00

Reminded that this was never meant to be a 100-day journey of exhaustion -- this is to be an opportunity to choose better and plan better and to be reasonable with my expectations of life -- I think?

O, God, teach me how to live into my calling but still get everything done without killing myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually!

"Deb, you won't. You won't get it all done -- ever."

This is about choices; yes, that is true.

choosing best over good and better
choosing to start my days and planning my schedule with this expressed focus of calling (and all that means) in view
choosing to release the things that I am not to be doing
choosing to keep, but in proper order, those things that are mine to do

This is not a lesson just for this 100-day journey but for the journey of life, and particularly, for the development of Relevant Resilience. Not all of the work to start and maintain this ministry is for me to do. I need to grow in practical discernment as to what is mine, and what needs to be released to others. This is a ministry birthed in the context of community which is to be lived out in community -- both the directly engaged and extended community of the Body of Christ.

This ministry and my own spiritual formation are Your works that are to be done Your way in your timing unto Your greater purposes. Again, my level of fatigue is directly proportional to my lack of trust. O, Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.

Sharing the journey (37/100)

2010-08-01T21:37:00.000-04:00

When is it right to share with others when God is leading you into something like this journey?

At the begining, I knew that I could not do this without prayer support. So, no matter how foolish my plans appeared or self-seeking my request, I shared with a friend. I had intended on telling other key people in my world, but the opportunity never presented itself (or so it seemed). I didn't need nor did I want a cheering team to keep me in this. Either I was going to puruse this journey because I was called into a deeper walk with Jesus along this path or not. And if so, then that was enough.

Later, I found it difficult to know how to share or even attempt to explain what I'm doing, much less why. Conversations with a friend who has her own struggle with asking for support (especially financial support) for the work God has called her to live has prompted me to consider my own silence. Why have I kept quiet?

More than ever, I need prayer to hold me, to keep me attentive to Your voice, to discern the path for our organization, to choose wisely each day. Should I not ask those who know me to pray for me and just trust that explanations if needed will make sense.

Is my silence because I don't want to appear prideful or self-centered? Or is it fear that others will perceive me in this way?

Or do I just not trust You enough?

Over these last 36 days as I have sensed a prompting from you to share about this journey and this blog, the responses remind me of being a spiritual director. In direction at times I am prompted to share something. When I share, and it is truly me responding to Your voice, the words have influence either then or later with the directee. When the words are not of You but of me, they roll off the directee as if I never spoke them. Similarly, when I have shared about this journey and blog, some have connected with my heart in this and are continuing to engage along the way. For others, it is as if I never mentioned it. I find rest in the direction setting with the way this goes, can I not here also and therefore speak?

I think this issue has deeper implications, for in the equivalent setting of asking others to join with us in living out this vision for Resilience, can I do the same? Can I offer them the opportunity to join us in financial ways, in prayer, or in volunteering and trust You to guide them to engage with us as You lead? Will I trust them to hear Your voice and respond, or will I cheat them of the opportunity to join You in Your work by keeping silent?

You reminded me today through Pastor Brian's message that this is a journey of intention unto my chief end -- knowing You and living out the expression of You in my life in service to others. This was never meant to be a journey in isolation but in community congruent with my/our roles as image bearers in this world.

By Your grace, growing in trust, I will speak.

Holding on with indifference (36/100)

2010-07-31T23:59:00.001-04:00

Today, still tired and ready to move on, but called to not compromise.

To hold this proposal work in an open hand ready for you to take it from me was easy to consider. Dropping it onto the ground in a crash was even something I was willing to do. But as this day began, I sensed you calling me to be indifferent in this circumstance. To engage Ignatian Indifference does not mean lack of caring but instead choosing to care more about what God cares about than what I do. In this particular case, therefore, this meant to grasp rather than release. To hold on until it is done, done well, done fully to the extent I am currently able. And to grasp this work fully in your presence was clearly your call to me for this day.

I wish I could say that I lived this day fully present to you. Although this was my longing, my impatience at times, particularly, when the Internet connection was misfiring and my computer was locking up was far from Godly. Shortcuts and easy roads in the process were appealing, particularly, as the clock was ticking down. Thank you for not letting me settle or convince myself that I was not compromising my integrity when I knew that to yield would be just that.

The work is now done and submitted. None of this was about the grade or the comments of my professor. This today was all about my walk with you. To pursue a work unto completion without compromise, to be present with you when I'm ready to quit or cheat, to be indifferent to all else but you no matter the cost.

With you in the stuff of life, here is where I want to be.

For the sake of my calling (35/100)

2010-07-30T22:15:00.000-04:00

ready to be done....!!

working on this research proposal has been good during these initial days of my 100-day journey, but now I'm tired of doing this! I want to work on other stuff! I'm sounding like a 3-year-old.

Staying focused unto completion is hard. I could walk away. The grade is good enough, not that grades motivate me anymore. (Kinda like money.) They had their use at some point but lasting motivation has to come from some place deeper. What motivates me to finish this proposal with excellence? Maybe I'll need to present it to someone for that purpose? Maybe someone will fund it? The process continues to refine and clarify my thoughts regarding why and how we are to use previous research and the work done by others as we follow God's leading for us in this work.

My struggle these last two days with impatience has not occurred without me noticing. I'm a visionary. My first strength is Ideation. No surprise that completing projects is hard work.

Following God into living who He has made me to be means I am faced with times like these where I am not naturally equipped. Recognizing the goodness of Jesus: carrying me through, providing others to hold me in the midst, granting the giftings of those who are skilled in these areas where I by design am lacking, creating opportunities for rest and empowerment when I need to live outside of my giftings for the sake of my calling.

For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable. Romans 1:29

Therefore I will give thanks to You among the nations, O LORD,
And I will sing praises to Your name. Psalm 18:49

Thank you for stretching me into places I don't prefer unto purposes I don't understand but into arms that I have learned to trust.

Some days are hard (34/100)

2010-07-29T23:12:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, was so good. Today was so hard.

To give myself to this work of ministry and the revelations of God in the midst of it for an entire day is so cool! I just want to be in this place all the time. But for now, this is not possible. The ache of this sometimes brings tears, as at this moment, and other times provides opportunities for frustration and impatience to take root.

I long to be at peace and rest in the waiting, and at times I live this and enjoy it to the full even in the context of other responsibilities. But there are days like today, when it is so hard. I miss you in these times where I become distracted from the present moment, from what you are doing right now in front of me, because I am mentally pressing ahead of you. O, God, forgive me! Turn my gaze back to you. Restore me to a place of indifference in all else but the pursuit of you.

He looks at the earth, and it trembles; He touches the mountains, and they smoke. Psalm 104:32

But when You look at me I am cleansed, I am renewed; when You touch me I am empowered, I am filled. It is for this reason that I have hope. It is why

I will sing to the LORD as long as I live; I will sing praise to my God while I have my being. Psalm 104:33

In step with God (33/100)

2010-07-28T21:58:00.000-04:00

I had the privilege today of hearing the story of a friend who has gone before us in this experience of following God's prompting and seeing an idea become a functioning organization of service to the community. She sees her journey as a demonstration of the grace of God because although they didn't know what they were doing You led them step by step. She mentioned how through circumstances and people You kept her moving onward rather than immobilized in uncertainty. I see hers as a journey of transformation that has grown her into who she is today and influenced hundreds along the way.

It was affirming to hear her story knowing where you have brought us from and the way you have led us. In this current place of activity with rest, I can see You and I walking together into this ministry. Your gentle nudge, Your soft voice, each step firmly leaning into You but neither lagging behind nor pressing ahead. Grace in action.

Our lives get in step with God and all others by letting him set the pace. Romans 3:27 (The Message)

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly. Matthew 11:28 (The Message)

Unexpected anticipation (32/100)

2010-07-27T23:15:00.001-04:00

Awoke with the song by Josh Wilson in my head in the context of my sister --> "Would you dare, would you dare to believe that you still have a reason to sing 'cause the pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming? C'mon, you gotta wait for the light. Press on, just fight the good fight, because the pain that you've been feeling, it's just the hurt before the healing. The pain that you've been feeling, is just the dark before the morning."
What does intercession look like? Could it be holding a truth for another when they can't?

Engaging the Exercises with the material from Brian Rice and finding this --> "Integration is when things hold together in wholeness, balance, and order, all seamlessly contributing toward the great purposes of God." Sounds like our desire with our organization.

Distracted as I tried to continue work on the research proposal, and eventually, turning to preparation for tomorrow's meeting where we are seeking the counsel of those who have taken an idea and witnessed it become a reality. Grateful for those who have gone before us in similar works being willing to help us along this journey.

Considering the name again. I'm beginning to think that trying on a name is like shopping for new clothes. You put it on and consider how it looks, how it feels. You ask the advice of those you trust. You consider your gut response to these and then either put it back on the rack or buy it. (I think we're about to make a purchase.)

After this diverse morning, I was heading out the door for work giddy with excitement with a smile on my face I couldn't control. Not for work (trust me on that one) but for the future, even beyond tomorrow. Not sure exactly why, but content in the moment to just experience the joy and excitement of anticipation in God's presence. This feeling continued during my shift returning with each pause and then fully present again as I left for home. I feel like a kid the week before Christmas who sees all of the presents wrapped and just waiting to be torn open and enjoyed. I don't know when the day will come to open any of them or why the anticipation has become so strong. But what I do know is that we are closer to living into the reality of this ministry than ever before.

Motivating remembrance (31/100)

2010-07-26T22:22:00.000-04:00

As I am attempting to complete the research proposal (just 5 days left), one of the templates for the final product suggested "beginning with something interesting like a quote or story to capture the reader's interest." Although I've read allot of stories recently and through the years have heard various ones, nothing seemed right until this evening.

Tonight, I began as usual during my focused time each day. Prayer, and in particular, establishing an openness to God's work for this evening was my expressed desire. After an hour, fatigue was setting in and my mind was wandering. At the conclusion of a short break, I committed my need for focus and the ability to concentrate to Jesus. My thoughts shifted from my previous work to the introduction again. I remembered the contrasting stories I used during my first class in this program over a year ago.

These stories demonstrate the contrast in results when there is and there is not a community of integral care in place supporting the cross-cultural worker. In the first case, one who is apparently strong in the Faith but inadequately supported in the areas of spiritual, psychological, and relational care soon falters on the field to his shame and the shame of the ministry. In the second case, one who is wounded and living with hidden shame finds the support of a caring community that sets her free from her past and from fear as she grows unto spiritual and psychological strength discovering as she ministers on the field a resilience and power that otherwise would have been missed.

Remembering these stories today keeps me at the task. God's love for them and the people they are attempting to serve is the reason for our vision, our plans, our efforts. I ache for them to experience that love.

Restored (30/100)

2010-07-25T22:53:00.000-04:00

In the time of worship this morning the name that has come together today for our organization was filling my mind. Could this be real? Could this be it? The implications of moving along the next steps of the path from an idea to reality, caught me by surprise.

He will wipe away your tears and return your wasted years. This is our God. (Chris Tomlin)

These words shook me back into the moment and out of my reflections. Is this not what God is doing with my life? Overwhelmed with emotion. The tears flowed. I could not stand. The words of C.S. Lewis in reference to his life came to mind: Surprised by joy.

O, Lord, I celebrate you. O, Jesus, I praise you. Bless the Lord, O, my soul and all that is within me bless his holy name. Bless the Lord, O, my soul and forget none of his benefits. . . Bless the Lord, all you works of his, in all the places of his dominion; bless the Lord, O, my soul! Psalm 103: 1-2, 22

A theme of goodness (29/100)

2010-07-24T21:36:00.000-04:00

You're good Lord. You're wonderful to me.
You're good Lord, so wonderful to me.

Your mercy overwhelms me more amazing every day.
This kindness straight from heaven is relentless like the waves.

You're good Lord. You're wonderful to me.
You're good Lord, so wonderful to me.

Your mercy overtakes me even when my feet have strayed.
And though I don't deserve it, you surround me with your grace.

You're good Lord. You're wonderful to me.
You're good Lord, so wonderful to me.

Kathryn Scott: You're Good Lord

A continuing walk of trust (28/100)

2010-07-23T21:37:00.000-04:00

This research proposal continues to take on a life of its own these days. Now that may be good since it is due to my professor in 8 days, but its growth is making me wonder if God means for me to actually do this project. It involves soliciting the help of 10 organizations (five with a formal member care department and five without) who will provide workers to interview on site in an extended fashion. As a learner in the world of the career cross-cultural worker, I will be asking for their help in a collaborative learning project to determine the key components for training, enhancement, development, and provision within each of the themes that comprise holistic care resulting in resilience on the field.

In addition to typical qualitative research analysis with results meant to inform our developing member care organization's programming and service activities, I can see a book resulting from the work.

It would be a summative presentation of the interviews with points of counsel from the experienced worker to the one in preparation for their first field assignment. Inclusive in this presentation would be pictures and a life and work overview for each of the interviewees. Like an "if I knew then what I know now" kind of book of counsel.

This sounds and feels so cool to consider. But I don't know how to get myself in a financial place to be free to do the work I already have to do in developing this ministry. Where in the world will I find the resources in time and money to do this kind of project?

I know. God has that part figured out.
All I need to do is to continue to step on the next stone in the path as it is revealed. This is a walk of faith and trust. Again, this is about many things but key in purpose is growing intimacy with Jesus along the journey.

Visioning consistent with the bigness of God (27/100)

2010-07-22T19:42:00.000-04:00

Now to Him who is able to do exceeding abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us. -- Ephesians 3:20

When I feel overwhelmed by the vast possibilities of all God is doing, when I see potential beyond what others see, when fear and anxiety intrude on my heart as reality begins to form from theory, this verse, my life verse, comes to mind.

O, Lord, I do not want to press into places you do not want me to go, nor lag behind as you are leading. Thank you for calling me to walk with you. For in this journey by your side, I grow in understanding and responsiveness to your ways, and this is my heart's desire.

Taking the time to not presume (26/100)

2010-07-21T21:45:00.000-04:00

Presumption: an assumption that is taken for granted; audacious (even arrogant) behavior that you have no right to; a kind of discourtesy in the form of an act of presuming

Reading some of the research out there (whole dissertations!) that presumes to know what a misionary needs angers me.

But how often do I presume I know what another peron is going through everyday as I see people and try to find ways in a limited amount of time to help them. Much of what I determine is based on presumption. Sure, I hope I am right, but at times, I am wrong. Because I do not have the privilege of time to learn more than limited information, I am forced to make the best decision I can, and I always state the qualifier that "if you're not getting better, let me know."

But when purported experts develop whole theories for providing care for missionaries without taking the time to ask the missionary what they need, this is wrong. This is reckless presumption.

O, God, keep me from doing this. Any plan we develop MUST be theory until validated by the individual to whom we are trying to minister. We will begin with generalities as a starting place, but the details of content and methods have to individualized. I can hear some ask, "But who can take that kind of time or have such resources to individualize member care like that?"

We can. We must. People's lives are at stake.

The lack of customization is what makes good medicines and good treatment plans deadly. All the more true when attempting to provide holistic care in hard places with eternal impact.

Developing plans and theories is good and necessary. But then taking the time to be present, to ask questions with sensitivity, to listen with discernment, and then in collaboration develop a plan for lasting resilience in the context of cross-cultural ministry is what we need to do. By God's grace, this is what we will do in his timing.

Reflecting brings confirmation (25/100)

2010-07-20T21:27:00.000-04:00

One of the values of the discipline of spiritual direction is the opportunity it affords to pause and reflect on the work of God since the last session. For various reasons, the last time before today that I had the privilege of meeting with my director was almost two months ago. When reviewing my journal entries in the interim I noticed the following:

5/30 ~ Rob Tucker spoke on "Dangerous Opportunities" => As he spoke I wondered, are we willing to move toward pain, toward struggle, even choose these? My response to this is that it depends. If I know that the struggle will make me stronger, will transform me, then will I choose it? Is this not what Jesus has promised me? He will work all things to the good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. So, again, it is a matter of trust. Will I trust You enough to move toward, even choose and make room for pain and struggle? And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit. -- Romans 5:5 This is all about my love relationship with God. Am I willing to lean into the struggle rather than push it away?

(Later that day) . . . I heard you say even more clearly, "Trust Me. These days will be hard and you will not understand, but trust Me."

6/3 ~ Don't rush. Wait. Wait for Me. Wait for My timing. Trust Me.

6/4 ~ Reminded of the life of Jeremiah and Your call of him to embrace and move toward struggle and suffering.

6/7 ~ I know that I cannot do any of this work on my own -- but do I want to? My need, my dependency should also be a choice not only born out of desperation and powerlessness but also out of confidence, strength, and power that chooses helplessness, weakness, and dependency -- but why choose this? For the sake of relationship, for the sake of avoiding error, out of my recognition of my lack and inability to see clearly. Lord, help me to choose dependency when things are going well and not just when circumstances push me to in desperation cry out for your help.

6/17 ~ It comes back again and again. Trust Me. Just wait and trust Me. Live today awake, aware, but for the moment today this is where you need to be. I know what you long for, but for now be here. Don't miss now. Deb, see Me in today.

6/18 ~ at Encounter => Gal 5:25, Matt. 11:28-30 => This is my desire, to live the unforced rhythms of grace, to live freely and lightly. Is there any way this is truly possible?? Will it always be "one day"? Can it not be now? How am I keeping this from being in my life or is there nothing more I can do? => Trust Me. Wait.

Within the hour I was having that pivotal conversation with Melody Hogan that would lead to this journey.

Now still waiting but waiting with activity. Today, my director commented that in the context of activity, I am at rest. I sense being in step with Jesus. Though demanding of strength beyond myself, the experience is growing in me an attentiveness to his voice and a responsiveness to his touch.

Of the writing of books (or research) there is no end (24/100)

2010-07-19T23:48:00.000-04:00

The more I read, the more I learn that my ideas may not be so original. The more I read the more I find to read. The more statistics and definitions and models I find regarding this issue of member care.

Yet, . . . 3.1% or 12,000 people are prematurely lost annually from the mission field.

AND in the business world there are the same issues related to cross-culturally mobile personnel where research in 2000 by Grant-allone and Ensher highlight these losses: 10-20% premature return home (some as high as 40%), extra financial loss to the company ($100,000 - $500,000), 20% of employees leave their company within three years of returning. [How many of these were Christians who lost opportunities to convey the grace of the Gospel in their work setting in otherwise unreachable places?]

Both professional missionaries and lay ministers of the Gospel working in cross-cultural settings are being lost annually in staggering numbers despite everything I am reading about definitions, models, and assessments. Researh is good, but if it does not impact these numbers and the lives lost without a Christ-honoring witness, what good is it?

Maybe I have nothing new to offer, who cares? All I care about is taking what I can learn and apply it to meeting these needs to promote resilience on the field for the sake of both the cross-cultural worker and the one(s) to whom he is ministering.

I can't not do this! I don't know what I have to really offer, but I am willing to try. I have to try.

Keeping me out of the way (23/100)

2010-07-18T14:27:00.001-04:00

Engaging in this journey of intentionality related to calling has caused me to see calling addressed in almost everything I read, hear, and do. Realizing this, I try to guard against my bias when I am trying to find a reading or passage for another person.

During spiritual direction (and peer support), the time is for the other not for me. Yet, God graciously does work through those times for me and with me as well as the one I meet with. But this is not the point, and therefore, I am careful to remind myself that the time is not about me but about her.

Today, as I was preparing to facilitate peer support, I was repeatedly led to a reading addressing calling, specifically, a section in Nouwen's book, The Inner Voice of Love, "Follow your deepest calling." I kept attributing this to my own walk and struggles, and the experiences of another one who was to be present in the group today. But out of time, and knowing that it might be helpful to the one scheduled to present today, I grabbed the book and headed out the door. On the way, the use of a piece of scripture in conjunction with this came to mind, specifically, Psalm 23:1-3 in NAS and MSG versions. Thanks to my trusty Blackberry, I was ready.

As we began, I read the passages and piece as I planned, trusting that this was from God and not from me. The sobs and deep groaning of one touched in a way only You can touch and minister was the result. The theme for her time was established uniquely and specifically preparing her for the work You desired to do in our midst. The process testified to the value and purpose of peer support and demonstrated Your presence among us.

Typically, me getting out of the way so that you can work in another's life means me creating separation from my biases and themes. So, my initial reaction as I read the piece during my time of preparation was that this was all about me and therefore there must be something else you have specifically for her for this time, and so, I kept looking. This time, me getting out of your way meant being responsive to your gentle promptings and trusting that although the piece had meaning for me, it also had purpose and meaning that I could not understand for this woman presenting today.

It was truly not about me. It was about her. It was about you, Lord.

Acceptance (22/100)

2010-07-17T19:53:00.000-04:00

Sometimes the greatest insight is realizing your own frailty.

Nothing surprising about this fact except my response.

I sense my need to embrace it without resistance.

Welcoming my own lack.

Overwhelmed with His sufficiency.

release

rest

an open hand

a soft pillow

settled in

sleep

Trusting the process (21/100)

2010-07-16T23:30:00.026-04:00

At this point, I feel like I just need to trust the process. Fatigue is present but so is a determination not from me. When I don't feel like I can go on, there is a strength present that empowers me to stay at the journey.

Each day looks a bit different from the rest as do the insights. Thank you Jesus for the adventure

Although for months, I have been chomping at the bit just waiting for God to set me free to live fully into all he has for me, this journey has showed me that although full of desire, I wasn't ready. In fact, I'm not ready even now, but I will be.

No matter what has occurred before or is occurring now, by the end of this 100-day journey, my way of ordering my days will be quite different, and I will be trained unto the level of preparation needed for the next steps in the longer journey of calling God has for me.

A wake up call (20/100)

2010-07-15T21:38:00.000-04:00

Carving out just two hours a day to live more fully into God's call on my life has served to awaken me from my complacency like a bucket of icy Atlantic seawater from my nephew awakens me from an afternoon nap on the beach. I am shocked at the reality check this 100-day journey of intentionality has been.

To think that I don't have two hours a day to give to what I really care about without being so depleted I can't function is amazing. There is something wrong with me that I could not see this before. I know my friends saw it and tried to enlighten me, but I would not, or could not, receive their counsel. The hidden impact of my lifelong habit of drivenness has clouded my vision. It is not that I didn't see that I was too busy or that I didn't long for more margin. What I have been blinded to is the result of this way of living.

The issue is NOT that I have given my time to things that don't matter or that I really don't care about, but that I have given away the best inexchange for good and better. Now choosing the best and finding there is no room for pursuing this without significant sacrifices of sleep, sabbath moments, and space for physical and mental rest has been the result.

O, God, I want your best for me! I desperately want to honor all of the creative time and energy you have invested in me. I want to know you in the experiences of all you have created me to be as your image bearer and intimate companion. To live as the manifest presence of your love to your servants as you pursue this world through them is my desire.

Grant me the grace to release the good and even the better in order to grasp the best in each day.

Maintaining contact (19/100)

2010-07-14T21:38:00.000-04:00

Leaning into you today, Lord. No strength left, none but yours.

Continuing to learn, vision, and dream.

Growing awareness of a life of intentionality, living into all God has for me, daily choosing to release the good and sometimes the better for the best. Yet, this is a life of trust. Full knowledge and confidence in all God has for me is hidden by my vision that is clouded by sin and brokenness. But it is also hidden out of grace and God's desire for intimacy with me. In order to take each step without knowing fully my path, I must lean into him, not just for strength, but for guidance, as well. The shifting of his form supporting me as I walk guides my direction only as I trust what I feel in his movements. Losing contact with him means losing my ability to stay on the path he has for me. If I were to clearly know the way, I would depend on me, soon falling off the path for lack of strength and ability. It is in the not knowing, in the mystery, and the unknown that I am joined to him not just for direction but in awareness of all the other areas where I can't but he more than can. And in this, an experiential knowledge is revealed that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Learning to trust (18/100)

2010-07-13T22:45:00.002-04:00

Trust in the context of personal mistakes, poor decisions, or failures is more than difficult, it's seemingly impossible compared to trusting God when I have done the best I can. The latter setting feels like I am doing my part and then trusting him to do his. In reality, is this really trust?

The former circumstance seems to be where REAL trust is required; in my frailty and lack rather than in my strength. When I must face the end of myself, the place where I have to admit I can't make something work, and when in the worst cases, I have to accept that my inadequacy has resulted in others being hurt or experiencing greater struggles, I most need to be able to trust, and today I most lack that ability.

Trusting a God who is all powerful, full of mercy, abounding in love, what is so hard about that? Apparently, this is beyond my ability when I know I deserve the opposite. This struggle seems to reveal a hidden point of self-deception, that when I do well, contributing all I can, I expect God to look on me with favor, and therefore, I trust. But when I or others are suffering because of my lack? How do I trust in this setting?

Anticipating the consequences of my own sin that I deserve to face leaves no room for trusting God's provision or goodness. Penance looks so appealing in such settings. Receiving my due stripes. Seeing how things can work out is not possible as my racing thoughts of guilt and shame cannot settle long enough to hear differently. How can things work out for me for this is not what I deserve? How can I trust the goodness of God when I know my due is punishment? How can I not be punished? How do I receive this kind of grace?

More to the point, when will I accept that Jesus loves me, desires his best for me, longs for intimacy with me apart from what I do?

It is all about him, and not me. Again my self-focus is revealed.
O, my God, thank you for the forgiveness of the cross that demonstrates your grace given to me.
Thank you that you have chosen to act out of your character and not my effort.
Thank you that you take the time to transform this self-centered heart that I might walk in trust.

Rooted in the fact that Jesus is present, active, and good, trust freely flows through grace into me and through me to others.

Lessons in presence (17/100)

2010-07-12T22:56:00.000-04:00

God has made me to be and meant me to exercise the discipline of being present with others. This gift makes me a good physician and a good spiritual director. I once had a patient tell me "I know you have many patients that you care for, but when you are here with me, I feel like I am your only patient."

The position of priority of focus adds more worth to a person in most instances than the gift of a year's salary. To be present with someone is more than being in the same physical environment. As noted by Charles Ringma (Seek the Silences), to be present to another person can only flow out of love which results in the ability to communicate, listen, join, and share.

To be present means I must set aside my cares and concerns, and in order to do this, I must have a place to leave these important things. This is where my own journey of faith and trust meets with ministry. I cannot be fully engaged in the present moment with another person unless the distractions of my world have been released. I cannot hear another's story with openness to them and to God unless I have quieted the noise of my own internal voice that tends to be filled with self-centered and self-focused chatter. I cannot feel the pain and hurt of another. In fact, I am not even given access to these deeper places of another until I allow my self-protecting walls to be destroyed by sufficient love making me willing to enter in with vulnerability to places of pain and need.

Being present also means that I release my agendas for both my own and the other person's transformation. Only by surrendering this larger work that really only God can do am I free to be in the moment, and it is in the present moment that I allow the other person to be who they are without rushed intrusion. In love, I honor them and the level of unveiling that they offer but also the level of remaining hidden that preserves the sacred place of the other person's being.

Being present is important to me living my calling here and now, but it is essential for any future ministry particularly in the context of community. Additionally, it is only by being present to Jesus that any of the above can happen recognizing his choice by the Spirit to be fully present to me (and to you) with each breath I take.

Today's 3R's (16/100)

2010-07-11T23:30:00.001-04:00

Returning -- Reading -- Resting

grateful for the time and space of a closed cabin door at 30,000 feet eliminating the necessity of keeping up with emails and assignments giving me space to spend time in reflection and reading on this Sabbath day.

Without control (15/100)

2010-07-10T23:42:00.000-04:00

Traveling to spend time with family when engaged in this kind of journey has been as hard as I anticipated, particularly today.

Why is it easier to release control to God but not to other people? Or is this self-deception?

If I can't trust God to work through others to influence my world, then am I truly able to trust Him in anything?

Trusting
the unknown,
the mystery,
the hard places,
the good.

As Brennan Manning has presented before, this is a quality of ruthless trust. O, Lord, give me the grace necessary to live into this kind of grace on this journey and in life in general.

What's with the name? (14/100)

2010-07-09T22:36:00.012-04:00

I don't know how many other other people do this, but I named my first car. It was a Pontiac Le Mans, two-door, white with maroon top. My mom wanted to be sure I was safe so this thing was a tank. As I began driving it, I felt it needed a name. I spent the next couple of weeks driving it in conversation about the name that would fit the best. The use of a small book of baby names assisted me in my effort. I can't remember fully why I chose the name I did, except that it represented strength, heritage and power.

For me, names have always been important. A name has significance in representing a person when nothing else is known about them. This is why I hate that it is with remembering names that I most struggle. Choosing a name for a child, or in our case for an organization, has a weight of responsibility for which I was unprepared as I began following the Lord on this path of living into my calling almost two years ago.

Today I returned to considering the official name for our organization that we now affectionately refer to as the No-Name Non-Profit (or the NNNP). Although we have an increasingly detailed strategic plan, a mission statement, a vision statement, core values, and the growing details for programming, we still do not have a name.

My impatience at times with God in this matter has served to remind me that I still have much to learn about trust. However, I am grateful that in more than one context over the last three years, I have learned to sit in the stillness and deepest darkness prior to the coming of dawn. In these moments, though not seen nor felt, your presence is most known. My ability to not just trust but rest in these times of mystery and the "not-knowing" is nothing other than testimony to the grace of God at work in this control-preferring, push-ahead-no-matter-what child.

No, at the conclusion of my time today, we still do not have a name, but I sense the light of dawn approaching. I know that whatever it is will fit us in uniqueness and expression; therefore, I am convinced that when we see it (hear it) we will know that it is right.

Oh, the name of my car?

Demetrius Alexander (I am so weird.)

A continuing struggle (13/100)

2010-07-08T22:34:00.007-04:00

The internal struggle with the words of Pope John Paul overflow into today.

Story after story (from Daughters of Islam by Miriam Adeney) of God's broken people extending His love in the context of frailty and even sin, but extending none-the-less --> the heritage of the cross lived in the light of Easter. The cross is not just about sacrifice and death but also a lifespring of love that is meant to flow through the conduit of God's people to a lost and hurting world.

My attitude toward this group of Christians who have created this website (and chosen to share it freely) is nothing less than prejudice --> judging and condemning a group of people due to an outward characteristic or association.

ADVOCACY -- giving a voice to those without one

To live as God has made me as an advocate yields motivation, commitment, boldness, but the hazard is being susceptible in the absence of grace to judgementalism and prejudice.

Lord, help me to extend grace and assume we are as your children seeking the same goal of seeing the world redeemed. As I encounter those who missrepresent your gospel like I described yesterday, make me bold to speak, but cause me to extend grace and love even as I represent the one without a voice and stand against injustice.

So, which is worse, teaching that relationship with God requires keeping a set of rules

-- or --

using advocacy as a covering to conceal pride and arrogance?

Which can Jesus most easily overwhelm with his love, and despite it, guide those that are His into His waiting embrace?

Thankfully, both.

Being used by God is not a matter of our value or righteousness but a matter of His great love for the one He is pursuing. This is all the heritage of the cross in the light of Easter.

The challenge of living convictions (12/100)

2010-07-07T23:00:00.010-04:00

Yesterday, I read a speech from Pope John Paul II challenging the community of the Faith with the lives of the martyrs. “A heritage which speaks more powerfully than all the causes of division” has been given to us by those who have gone before us. “The ecumenism of the martyrs and the witnesses to the faith is the most convincing of all; to the Christians of the 21^st century it shows the path to unity. It is the heritage of the cross lived in the light of Easter.”

Indeed, when laid side by side, the witnesses of the past in all the churches and ecclesial communities and the current schisms and divisions do not compare but instead reveal in contrast the breadth of boundless love with the narrow pettiness of self-righteous declaration. O, Lord, will they know that we are your disciples or will our lives speak louder than our words? (John 13:35).

And today, I found myself wondering if I was dwelling in love as I responded to an extensive website and program that promotes wholeness among college students. The materials looked so good that I wondered if there could be a way to work with the designers of the program.

But then, I discovered that the site was developed through a university sponsored by a particular church that I have problems accepting because of the way their members function on the mission field. In fact, what I have seen is the very opposite of the grace and love that is the gospel. Preaching Jesus they lay heavy burdens of legalism on the backs of the new believers. (My life filled with legalism prior to crossing the line of faith makes me particularly sensitive to this issue.) Examples of their actions that I have seen include requiring abandonment of the home culture, giving up the primary food source for the sake of dietary practices, and strict clothing and meeting practices outside of reason and cultural norms.

And so, what do I do with Pope John Paul's challenge and observation? Can I link arms with this group?

I don't see this as pettiness or self-righteousness. I think my convictions hang on the essence of the Pope's message; namely, the place of unity is the cross (the place of death and sacrifice) and the deliverance from the bondage of sin and law as expressed in the resurrection on Easter (new life, freedom, deliverance). Can I (we) learn from them? Absolutely, and we will.

Maybe, I'm wrong. Or maybe, particularly as I see the larger application of this ministry to cross-cultural workers of all categories (missionaries, development workers, business people), Pope John Paul has given me a filter that can serve to determine with whom to partner and with whom to only learn from.

The Pope's homily was delivered during a special ecumenical gathering to honor all those Christians killed for their faith in the 20^th century held at the Coliseum in Rome.

In whose strength? (11/100)

2010-07-06T23:15:00.003-04:00

Following 84 hours filled with work responsibilities, I was tired and ready for some sleep. As I was driving home the thought crossed my mind to eat and head to bed followed quickly by the thought, "Give up now? No way!!"

Sometimes simple determination is the difference between success and failure in an endeavor. In fact, determination may be the only thing that keeps you going.

Whoa! What did I say?

If this were a journey in my own strength, my own power, perhaps I could declare that. But I know my OWN strength, non-existent in times like these. If I were operating out of my own strength this journey certainly would have ended in the last 3+ days of being on call.

This is a journey dependent on you, Jesus. Only in such dependence can I take the next step into the next moment. Dependence on your strength and not my own will get me through today and the next 89 as well.

This is a journey of abandoned trust that you will carry me not just when I am exhausted but even more so when I am feelig strong and self-assured. It is only as you empower my every moment will I complete what you have called me to in this journey of 100 days and the continuing journey of my life.

The wall (10/100)

2010-07-05T16:28:00.003-04:00

I heard in Melody Hogan's story how about two weeks into her 100 day experience that she "hit a wall." At the time I didn't really know what she meant, I do now.

Even when you are doing what you are made for and love doing, the journey can become hard. Despite the previous days of successes and insights, today I'm tired. I just don't want to do this anymore. This is silly to be doing this. What's the point?
In silence, I sit. In silence I am reminded:

the value of this journey? abundantly clear
the work itself? important not just to me but invaluable to those with whom I am ministering and for whom we serve
the time each day? useful
worth it? yep
silly? maybe, but still what I am to be doing

Thank you, Jesus, for the grace to begin the time today at the end of myself and in total dependence on you. Thank you for restoring my strength in the midst of the time, and then giving me the wisdom to walk away at the end of the two hours into a time of rest.

Today is a good reminder how even when living into all God has made me for means that there will be days when effort is required to stay at it. I am also reminded of my need for rest and how easily even doing a good thing can result in burnout.

Longing for and living freedom (9/100)

2010-07-04T19:08:00.003-04:00

This jorney is bleeding into the other areas of my life (or is it the other way around?).

Today being Independence Day prompted my gratitude for societal freedom while reminding me that freedom comes with difficulty and struggle. I was thinking specifically at the time of my desire for financial freedom and challenged to stay at the task until this freedom is realized.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery" (Galatians 5:1).

Within the book I am reading on Muslim women, the liberating freedom of Christ's love that enables us to pursue service of power and influence was highlighted. I found myself again grateful but this time for the freedom of time these last several days to read, reflect, and invest in this journey.

One day I will be free to spend the time I am given fully invested in this work, but even now, I am free because of the work of Jesus in and through me.

Free
to listen & to hear
to watch & to see
to wait & to respond
to rest & to engage
to be & to follow hard after You.

"If the Son sets you free, you will be free in deed" (John 8:36).

Powerful, transforming words.

Where's the target? (8/100)

2010-07-03T21:48:00.008-04:00

How can you hit a target unless you see the target? Whether using a gun, a bow & arrow, a sling shot, or a strong arm, if the target is not visible then hitting it is just a lucky shot.

Deciding I want to be healthy and live to be 90 like my grandmother is not sufficient. Only by first establishing what healthy looks like, considering my current strengths and motivations, and recognizing my underlying physical make up can I then develop a plan for taking me from where I am to where I want to be when I am 90.

Knowing that I want to grow in my relationship with Jesus is not sufficient. I need to have a vision of what that relationship is meant to be, an understanding of how I am created to connect with God, and clarity regarding the desires that motivate me before I can choose the most appropriate things to pursue.

Likewise in the context of member care, developing a lecture, a program, or even an organization does not mean the needs of the worker will be met. Additionally, prevention in any area of care requires seeing the potential harm (the result) of a given path before it has been travelled and then intervening in order to change paths. The conversation last night and my reading today has caused me to realize that perhaps the greatest contribution we can make is developing a means of self awareness whereby the unique targets for care are identified enabling a community of care to then meet those needs for each individual.

In other words, finding a way to identify the target before throwing the pitch is the key. Whether the pitch is a curve, a slider or a fast ball, only the pitch that lands in the strike zone will count. Everything else are balls and will never win the game.

Remembering the other side of this experience (7/100)

2010-07-02T21:55:00.005-04:00

I am loving this journey of visioning and living into (even in small ways) my calling. Repeatedly, I am reminded that this ministry is something I cannot let go. I must live into it, and you are allowing me to do so even with my limited resources. I was reminded that not everyone has this same opportunity.

I met a woman today who feels that she has been set on the shelf and her "greatest fear is that this is where I will be left." She has in the past tasted the goodness of living into the unique ways God has made her, but for now she has had to release all of this and instead be in this hard place of longing without apparent hope of fulfillment. She knows what you have made her for and the possible vision for expressing her uniqueness. However, she sees no path linking her current state with her longing or vision. She almost can't even say it anymore because it seems like such an impossibility.

I have a taste of these feelings. There was a time when I knew I was made for something more, but all was too dark to see what that might be. Then once the light of God began to reveal my calling, I could not fathom that I would not one day live it to its fullest. Almost daily, however, I now struggle with the length of the path to get there. I am grateful that I live knowing I am moving though unlike my new friend who is unsure if she will ever take another step forward.

Lord, continue to loosen our grips of control allowing us to relax into you,

the One

who in all

circumstances

present,

active,

and good.

Space to invest (6/100)

2010-07-01T21:36:00.002-04:00

Much of today was available for this work, and I was excited by this prospect. Despite this with fatigue being the context of the day, I thought I would struggle more to engage. In fact, I had trouble turning it off. I knew I needed to sleep and detach a bit in order to recover my energy and be ready for ministry responsibilities planned for the evening. However, I found myself repeatedly saying, "Let me just do this, and then I'll take a break." After this internal conversation for more than an hour, I forced myself to stop to eat lunch and rest.

It amazes me how lost I can become in this. Thank you, Jesus, for granting me an area of ministry that so captures my interest and imagination that I can't stop. How I long for the freedom to participate with you in this full time.

Yet, I see the potential hazard in my ability to become so engrossed in this kind of influential work. Lord, keep me in balance so that the ministry does not become more important than you or more engaging than the people you place in my path each day to whom I am to express your call to live into all you have made them to be.

It's all about choices (5/100)

2010-06-30T23:29:00.002-04:00

The reality of living into all God has for me as a journey of choices became apparent today -- a day stuffed full with commitments to work, teaching, and friendship. The lessons have been powerful and unexpected.

It's a matter of priority --> awake often overnight while on call, up early but not as early as hoped, notes and tasks from yesterday needing to be finished; it's 5 a.m. and a choice needs to be made. Will I head into work to try and get things done before my next office session starts at 7, or will I instead give an hour to learning unto this call God has placed on my life? A choice to be made to live out of the priorities of who God has made me to be and what he has called me to live.

It's a matter of redeeming the time --> done with work this afternoon, spiritual friends meeting scheduled at 6:15; it's 5:25 p.m. and another choice now is faced. It's not much time, certainly not the planned two hours, but it is time that could be used for additional reading and reflection. How will I choose?

It's a matter of commitment --> I'm home now; it's 10:30 p.m. and another choice is faced. I feel the fatigue setting in and could let things go for today. Two days ago I released the tendency to "log the time" out of legalism, but that's not what this is. I really want to finish the chapter I started reading earlier this evening. This is important to give myself to this learning and the journey.

The steps necessary for journeying into calling are evident in my experiences this day:

the priority of what I am doing
my ability to notice and then redeem the time that is provided no matter how apparently insufficient
my continual need for a life of commitment to the greater work God is doing as I respond to my heart-desires

Lord, thank you for the grace to remain in this journey of 100 days and cause me to remember these essential lessons as I continue to follow your unveiling path.

An ordinary day (4/100)

2010-06-29T21:18:00.002-04:00

Nothing special, just an ordinary day.

The focus today was preparation for the interview I will be doing with a missionary Friday. Each paragraph I read gave me more and more insight into how to more effectively ask questions. (I wonder if this could help me in doing spiritual direction.) It was good to have the focused time to work on this.

Anticipating tomorrow and the fullness of the schedule. I'm not sure how I will find the time to not just log the minutes but to truly be present to the process. Lord, you know my desire since you have placed it there. I ask for your grace to live into it.

Looking back on the morning after a hard afternoon and evening at work causes me to pause in gratitude. Thank you, Jesus, for the time of mental and spiritual clarity this morning to engage this journey. Cause me to lean into you for all I need tomorrow.